Independent

It's July 5th, a day after the 4th, here in New York City. Firework Central for all far and wide. Large scale photos of Lady Liberty. Many grill Smells. And Much Much Much RED WHITE BLUE. It's kinda a lot. For me, I've always felt a bit out of step during this time of year. Feeling pressure to be something patriotic, maybe, but feeling this pressure to be SUPER FUN!! Best EVER! Totally Awesome!!! 

But, I'm kinda... whatever.

Summer is my favorite time of year. Not for school being off (I skipped it anyway), camp in session (I really was not a fan), or the 4th (see above). But for the sunshine. Winter, is not my thing. I honestly long for sun. I live for it, and cry when it goes away for many months on end. I made a promise to myself that last winter would be my last. And that promise may still be kept.

I'm thinking about Dreaming Mondo Big. Since my usual way of thinking doesn't seem to bring me any great results. I am thinking of throwing all the cards in the air, and just seeing what happens. During this Independence Week... How Independent can I get myself to be.... I wonder.

I continue to look for Messages from the Universe, and wonder.... Where are these Signs pointing me to? Who are they pointing me to? Are they pointing us to the same place, to find them one day together? I wonder.

Thaw

It is that time of year- just when the air doesn't sting you when you walk outside. But certainly not warm. It's a bit like Stockholm Syndrome- when it is 40 degrees and it feels like an Island Tropic Day. You feel like you have been in a prison, and let out in the yard for your weekly run. 

It's not spring yet. Not yet. But there are small signs of warm times coming. It makes you feel a bit stronger, getting through another brutal winter. It makes you feel jumpy and antsy and ready for a new phase to begin.

It's moments like these that remind you that there is a warm light at the end of this winter tunnel.

Frozen... In Reverse.

It could be that it is winter. Or it could be something greater.

Yes, I hate cold and winter and all that comes with it. But I think there is something else to it.

My body, one year after surgery has a renewed disdain for the cold and ice. It makes me well, freeze. Freeze in ways I never did before. I can't move body parts or my mind at times. More times than not as of late. But there are other things too.

Just this past weekend I had a mind racing back to the boys I have known over the past year. All of them exactly the same. Same behaviors. Same results. Same builds even. Just the same. I had an urge to reach out to any of them. They are all the same really. Like a little devil on my shoulder urging me to put my hand on the fire. To be burnt. To be in pain. To feel something. But I didn't. 

Then, after a year, one of them got in touch with me. About 5 hours after I heard myself craving this kind of attention. Maybe he heard it too.  This person can't be considered a Two Week Romance. He would be more of a lagging connection to a part of me that surprises me exists. Does that make sense? He has a distorted version of me that I fit into instantly. It is aggravating and infuriating and weighs on my patience. But it is very much there. For some reason, he unlocks it instantly. And I don't know how or why. I didn't even know it was there until he showed it to me. The fact that I knew him as a child perplexes me more. Did he see something in the five year old me that leads him to behave this way with me now? If I thought he would honestly tell me I would ask, but that is useless.

The fact that I am totally drawn to him and his pull over me is crazy. It's worse than my nicotine cravings. Worse than the stab of cold air in the morning. Worse than I would like to admit out loud.

With this person creeping back into my mind and my day comes a big back slide. A slide back into old habits I wished never existed nevertheless were broken. It makes me feel well, frozen. Forever frozen in a place I never wanted to be to begin with. Which, makes me feel like being outside in this weather. I'm totally comfortable in the discomfort.  I'm used to the painful body and numb fingers. It's hard to think back to a time when I wasn't this way. And, seeing that this person knew me my whole life, I think I was always this way.

But maybe not. There were times in my life when I had moments like this

A time when I was free, warm, surrounded by light and feeling that I was near a place I was meant to be.

But now, and more and more lately, I am surrounded by this

What's worse, is that what surrounds me now is starting to get inside my skin and into my bones. I'm sliding backwards into frozen.

Winter.

It is Winter here in Brooklyn. A very Snowy Winter. Days and weeks and months like this have me missing my short but sunny filled time in Southern California. Even though Palm Trees Don't Make Perfect, they certainly don't have you mopping up your floor and slipping along the way. The older I get the more I know Winter isn't for me. It has me really thinking about making a move to somewhere less slick. But, when I look back, even later in the day, I see just how beautiful Winter can be. Even if it does tend to leave puddles.