Sacred Places. Tender Hearts.

Writing for me comes in waves. It always has. Perhaps it always will. Life comes in waves. Happiness. Luck. Fear. Love. Ebb. Flow. Knowing this, it makes sense that writing follows suit and waves over me. This is one of the magic parts of life along with one of the curses. Blessed with inner dialogue cursed with sudden silence. This is one of the moments in my life when words wash over me. This is one of the moments I hold on and listen to the voice in my mind. The voice that whispers secrets of where I have been and where I crave to go in the future.

The waves lately come with new ideas and old feelings. Feelings of seeking and being found. Of being broken. Being healed. In these moments I find myself. Hidden on shelves tucked away under dust holding what I loved as a child. My chin, my cheek, my very true and simple belief in love. 

Seekers look around. Seekers look for one another. A seeker told me this once. I look to find him again. In this world or the next. I could really use his voice here. His Direction. Seeker- I'm seeking you out here. I only have one of your notes, one of your shoes, and a few prayer matches left from your time here on this planet. It isn't much to hang on to.

I have you here in my heart, here talking to me as I write. I see my fingers go as fast as they can to keep up with you. I could use some wisdom of yours in this heart of mine. Door wide open, heart shakey with anticipation. Next move, yours. My move- waiting. 

Sacred places on this planet seem abundant to many. But scarce for me. I look with want and wait and patience. I try to see the sacred moments through the shadows of the lucky. I grasp for what I know- seek when I am able. And love you more each day. I hope my life makes you proud. Maybe you can see some of the ways you molded me, even though I was just a child when you left. Even though I didn't recognize you the last time I told you standing. Even though I voted to turn off the machines. I hope you know that I love and miss you. Even if I didn't say it much when you were living. You should have heard it more from my voice. For this, I am eternally sorry.

It would be so wonderful to feel your hand on my shoulder. Just a little push in the direction that is right. Because I am walking in a circle of lefts. I'll keep my small box of things you touched close to my bed and hope I see you again in my dreams. I hope I hear your voice telling me I am doing alright. That I make you proud. Because I have nowhere to talk with you but here. Nowhere but here can I find you. And I miss you so terribly. Tell me what you think of this life of mine, please. Tell me I am still precious to you and that this heart and yours are still linked. Even where you are now- everywhere all at once. 

Goodbye Takes Me To Hello

Dear New Love,

I think I have not been quite fair to you, so not only do I need to apologize, but tell you that I'm ready now. I'm clear and cleared out my cob webs and I'm ready for you. I've said goodbye to all of them and I promise to never let them back. Never. 

I've decided that these boys have been taking up too much of my time and my life and my mind and they have left me no space for you to come in. And I am sorry to both of us for that. But I promise, I am ready for real love- our love. Ready.

This time in my life is about movement- not only across states, but a movement to something new. Something ours. And I am so ready for that. I'm excited really. Really really excited. 

It may seem crazy, but I can feel it in the air. Something exciting and fresh and new. Yes, I am a bit nervous, but I will take nervous over nothing. And it has been nothing for far too long now.

Dear new love, I'd like to tell you how fond I am of you already. That I am eager and ready to go. Go anywhere. Anywhere you want to go. I'll meet you in the middle- just meet me.

I'm here, door and heart and eyes wide open. Ready for you, for us, for it.

Nor Cal

I decided to take a leap. A jump. A test run into Northern California. A Mondo Beyondo Dream come to life. My life, to be exact. For quite some time I have been playing with the idea of moving to Northern California. And it would be swell if one of my east coast buddies would come with me. But alas, that does not seem to be the case. So- off I went- all by myself- into the great west.


I love the west. Love the way it looks, love the way it feels on my skin. Love the way my broken body mends faster here. I love the way people dress like me- and act like me too. It confirms that I don't belong in New York City. Which makes me a bit sad- that my hometown is not my home. Never felt like home. Never, really.


So- I took a big leap- and went on this trip on my own. And it wasn't scary or sad- it is great. It is wonderful. And exciting and beautiful. First- for a few days I lollied around Santa Cruz. Met with some lovely people I would love to work with. And did a bunch of looking. Lucky lucky me- I got to see this every day....

Admittedly, I got a little teary eyed when I had to go. But I know I will be back soon. I know that. And- I get to see some long ago friends in San Francisco. Which has been super. Now- they are trying to pull me into their section of the Bay Area. Ah- who knows. It's nice to be wanted- I'll tell ya that for sure.


In the past week- I have had three people call me brave. I've never considered myself brave, but looking back on it all- I guess I am. Nice! Doing this trip on my own- meeting up with people I never met before- thinking about making a big move away all on my own. Yea- brave I guess. But, the way I see it, there is no other way for me right now. New York hasn't given me what I need. So, I gotta go somewhere else. Somewhere new. And like everything else in my life thus far, I gotta do it on my own. Which doesn't register to me as brave at first, it's just the way it has been for me. Maybe I need a new way to see myself. See myself as brave, as opposed to being on my own. 


But, I'm not on my own. I have friends where I am right now. And friends to be made. Now all I have to do is look around and decide when to take the bigger leap and stay longer than a week. Take a big leap and trust that I know I am in good hands, in good company, and finally in a good place.

Photo Fridays....One Day Late With Good Reason

Yes Yes. I know- I'm late. And no, I will not be blaming jet lag, the earthquake, or hurricane. It has been such an amazing few days, I've been out living them. Hard! I'm on my own little Nor Cal Road trip- and will write all about it. Until then- here's a photo from today to keep you going.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Dear Old Love.....

No matter how many years have past, and it has been years, I see you and it is the same. The same excitement. The same smile. The same old feeling. 

Nobody smiles at me like you. Nobody talks to me like you. Nobody looks at me like you, when you think I am not looking. But I am. Looking.

There are some things that I would love to say to you, some things I long for you to hear. Some things that I think you haven't heard for years. Probably the last time you heard from me. And probably, never in the way I feel I need to say it now. With urgency, with kindness, with love.

I'm going back and forth, forth and back, and back once again wondering. Do I say these things? Do I tell you all I feel I need to share? Would it save you in saving yourself? Or would it make it worse? Make you feel worse than I see that you feel? Because I can tell. I can still feel it, even when you swear that you don't. But that's alright. 


I understand why you shut it down, shut me down, shut yourself out. I understand why you say what you say and why you say it. And so I understand, it doesn't hurt me in the way you think that it would. It hurts somewhere else. Somewhere new. Something else. This is something else all together. And now, I'm thinking about what to do next. Because to do nothing, just may be the greatest harm of all.

There are some things that I can not believe you still do not hear. Still can not believe you have silenced the voice in your head that screams for life. That you have turned down your chin and your outlook. Have shut it all down and perhaps given up. But I can't give up on you. I won't, even if it hurts me in the end. 

My dear old love. I need to talk with you. Need to tell you some very important things. Because life is short and small and I think I am leaving. I have to tell you because I owe you, even though I know you have no idea that I am in forever in your debt. But I am.

Dear love, you were the one who took away my shame. Who showed me that the shame was not mine, that it belonged to someone else. You showed me that even though I had been used and broken as a child, that you saw me as me. As a together person worthy of love, your love. Our love. And for that, my dear old love, I will love you forever. For loving me with the purest heart I have ever known, for giving me the gift of knowing that I could love and be loved, I owe you forever. I will eternally remember how it felt to walk in your love, sleep in your arms, and hear your key unlock my door. I will always remember your beauty. I will always remember how you cherished mine. So you see old love, for all of this and a lifetime of gratitude more, I owe you the truth. I owe you moons and planets and shooting stars. So, please, please accept these words into your lovely heart. Please hear me in your soul and know, please know my dear old love, that this is all true. All true.


You are wonderful. You are wonderment. You are amazing.

Dear old love, you are stunning and beautiful. Your beauty can be blinding. Your laughter makes me smile, long after the joke is over. You are kind and gentle and tender and special. After all these years, you still make me feel safe in your arms. So safe that my eyes water. 

I want you to know that you can be anything, because you are everything. You are the sweetest man I have met, even when you try to be cold. My dear old love I need to tell you something. Need to tell you that life is short and happiness is not guaranteed. But you know that. But I need to tell you that happiness is possible. Yes, dear old love, possible and waiting- quietly waiting- for you. 

Please dear old love, please live your life in the sunlight. Please love the life that you live. Please love, do it quickly. Because time slips away and eats away at you. Please live it before it's over, or that you wish it were. 


You see old love, you are rare. Rarer than you can imagine. Which is why, you see, you feel the way you do. In between, one way or the other, any way it goes. Not everyone is like you, which is why you may be feeling alone. Dear old love I owe you more than these words, owe you more than an apology for taking so long to say all this- especially since even now- I have yet to say it to your face. 

You see old love, I fear these words may not meet you kindly. Not meet you in the way which they are intended. Please old love, please know I mean you no harm. I mean you no judgment or negativity. No ill will. I mean for these words to provide you with comfort, with heart, with old love. Love old and wise and aged with years of knowing you. Love created during one a.m talks and early morning emails from years and years ago. Dear love, my dear old love, know that I see you- still see you after all of these years and wish and want and pray for your happiness, perhaps more than my own. My dear old love, I love you in ways not known to me then, in ways that I hope reach you in the night and whisper to your silenced mind's voice- whispering that you can, you should, you are able, to take your life and live it for your own. To spread your love far and wide enough to meet you back around again to loving yourself. 

Dear old love, please hear my whisper and follow your beautiful heart. Follow your heart and find yourself. Find your beauty, find what you are looking for. And try to look for me along the way. I'll be there, somewhere deep in the back. With water filled eyes proud- proud to see you become who you know you are.

Dear old love I owe you more than these writings, more than a visit, more than a reminder of someone out there loving who you are. I owe you more because of moments like these and because of you loving me in ways I had wished for and continue to wish for, because old love you have shown me- it is all possible.