Long Time Coming

Hello once again. It has been far too long and things have gotten a bit too far. I sometimes can't believe I live where I do. That I live where I dreamt of being so many years ago. I can't believe that I forgot the old adage- wherever you go- there you are. Well, here I am. Perhaps deeper in it.

Somehow I managed to land a gig that is so unreal, I wait for the bottom to drop. I hope it doesn't, I hope about that a lot.

I fell in love, only to have my heart ruined. This time, I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone. Not that I ever really did before. This latest just shows me I was right not to do so, and that breaks me even more.

This one, I thought he was the one I was waiting for. Really, he was just another one. This one though, this one, well- he broke me. Perhaps I had thought this was something I felt before. But, I never woke up from a nightmare calling for someone out loud before. This time I did. This time I know it is a deeper cut than any before him. Now I worry. I worry there will be none after him.

The year is ending and instead of looking to the future with bright eyes, I look with dread. What will this one do to me? Who will get to me this time? Why and how is it that this is what has come of me?

It is hard when you understand that the men who ruined you have run off with girls with beautiful lives. And these men just make their lives more beautiful. It's hard to understand that their lives are better than mine. They will know happiness I will never know, love I will never know. A life I know nothing of. I'm not quite sure why they decided to destroy me. Or why I let them. Why I didn't see it coming. Why this is how it is. But it is hard, has been hard. Has been something I didn't want to write about. Something I didn't want to document.

For some reason you still haunt me. Still taunt me. Still hate me.

I feel like crying a lot lately. I tear up sometimes. Then my chest sinks all over again. I'm fearful of the New Year. And that hasn't happened before. That scares me. So does more of this. This uphill battle with no end, no rope, no help, nothing but this in sight.

Photo Birthday Friday

Another year- hello 33. Looking forward to a wonderful year of you.

 

Photo Friday

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Last Photo Friday of 2011 & Catch Up

So, 2011 has come to an end. I'm not happy or sad about it- because it has been a year of MAJOR change. Interestingly- my movement had little to do with my resolutions, and more to do with my Mondo. This year I dug down deep and made my dreams become my reality. Now, palm trees don't always make perfect- but they sure are lovely.

This year couldn't just go without one more 2 week romance, but hopefully he was the last. Hopefully. I'm grateful he showed his face- and his cards early. He reminded me that love is possible- even for me.

 

I hope that the New Year brings new adventure in this New place that I call home. I hope that my new job brings me joy. And that my special someone finally shows himself. 

I resolve to.... keep trying to see beauty in all things- even the things that break my heart. I resolve to begin to take better care of myself- inside and out. I resolve to LET GO- most of all- let go to all things that are not helpful to me. And hold on to all that is.

Happy New Year- and many more to come. 

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Radio Silence

I know, it has been a terribly long time since I have written here. Which is just terrible! I not only promised myself  that I would write here lots and lots, but that I would be more present in all. I don't know if it has been a total fail or what, but I have been swimming in this sea of sad and sorrow and longing and loss and wishing and wondering and blind hope. Which has made writing here difficult. Because, well, I didn't like that all of that was my life. And maybe it would be all too real if I wrote it down, realer if anyone out there ever read it. But it is my life, and it really has got to change.

Happiness to me has been a far reaching concept. Life for me is something I have had to get through, certainly not enjoy. And I hate that- seriously hate it. I've noticed myself wishing west for the past year, and being held back to what I have here in the east. My friends and family. But in the back of my mind I wonder if something better is out there waiting for me. And if it waits to long, maybe someone else will come and find it and claim it for their own. Maybe I will never find what I am looking for here, and maybe it will never find me.

I'm now 31 right? Right. And I don't have much to show for it in terms of what I thought I would have by now. Sure, I am a published author, been on national TV, asked to help people in their businesses. In other terms- I work a lot. But still have very few dollars to show for it. I thought at least by now I would be engaged,. married, kids, vacation, car, happy. But my pockets and my heart are empty and gathering dust.

Now, what to do what to do? I wish I could get a one way ticket and GO. But in all reality, I can barely even afford that. And what to do when I get THERE? Sit by myself in a one bedroom? Walk totally alone because I know nobody? Can't that something or someone find me?

So, yes, I have been absent from my writing here, and that needs to change. So, at the very least, I can change that in my life. In the time in between that, I can try to make my life something worth writing about. Something worth wishing about, and something worth admitting is me.

Let Go.

I think I am keeping most of my New Year's resolutions. Or maybe, they are keeping me. The past few weeks have been a whirl. And as I move forward in work and trying to better my career, I have noticed people falling by the wasteside. Men, I should say. And that is kinda fine with me. I promised to do away with my two week romances. And so far, they have gone away. Which in all honesty is tough at times. But healthy I hope in the end. 

I have come to an understanding that sometimes, even when someone has the best intentions for you and about you, they should not be in your life. I am afraid that I broke a heart this week. Someone from many years ago who still holds that candle. But I do not. I had to tell him that it was not there for me anymore, and that I had to let him go. It is terribly hard to do that, but then again, at the same time- terribly easy. Which, to be honest- is a bit more unsettling.

Being with him was a forced exercise. I knew he wanted more, and I played dumb. But I felt a bit gross doing do. I knew it wasn't fair. I had to let go.

I'm letting go a lot lately. Letting go of the things I can't control and the people that aren't the best fit for me. I got tired of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole I guess. And now I find myself clearing space. I would like this year to be a new way of life for me. To detach from people places and things that just don't work for me anymore. And the trick, is to do it respectfully and with love and care. Which again- is tough.

The taste of my own medicine comes of course when others feel they need to clear me- just like this one little romance has recently done. But, I should respect it- right? That who I am and where I am is not a fit for him. Easy as that right? Neh- not so much. What I have to remember, of course, is that I let him go too. I am letting go, and freeing up space for the new.

The First Photo Friday of 2011

The first photo Friday of the year. Wishing  i believe in santa clause.  and all of you a beautiful New Year. 

Movement

It's the beginning of the New Year and I already feel a bit stuck. My body has been recovering from back surgery for almost one year now, and it is just now beginning to notice that it hasn't moved in three years. I feel the need to move, swing, MOVE. I just feel this great momentum in the past few days to get going. I had forgotten that feeling since all I have been feeling for the past years is mind numbing pain. Now my body, that had been tortured by nerve pain, morphine, and self-induced isolation, is beginning to break out of this shell. It wants to bend and stretch and jump. I had forgotten what that had felt like, to want to tone, strengthen and move instead of numb, curse and despise.

Personally, I have also been craving some movement. In perfect Bonita fashion, a ghost from Christmas past has been haunting me. Another boy from long ago creeping back in, doing all of the lame 8th grade boy moves I hated in the 8th grade. I am now 31 years old, and you want me to anticipate a text message? Seriously? I should get excited when you return a call? And totally expect it when you don't? Um,,,, no.

This year I made a resolution to get rid of my two week romances. And yes, skipper, this does mean you. I am completely sick of little boy games and those games making me feel like a chump for just trying to be open and kind. I simply refuse to let you change who I am, but can I change who I am... for the better? Can I move into a better head space and into a new pattern that better suits me? That, is quite difficult.

I began to quit smoking... again. And the best way I can equate this break up from these little romances is like trying to quit smoking. I know it is bad for me, I know it hurts me, I know it is ridiculous. But I still really like it. I crave it. And that is the hardest part to say out loud, let alone to myself. That I get something out of all of this. No, not the drama. But the rejection, that fucking sinking in my chest that I felt at three years old. The wanting to prove that I am worthy to someone who is not even worth while.

But I have got to MOVE. Maybe my body is speaking for my mind, maybe my mind is trying to tell my body something. Maybe I am now just 31 and have to get this life going where I want it to go. It is very difficult, not to get in touch with this person let alone go buy a pack of Camels, but I am doing my very best. It is day 4 without smoking, if I can keep my cigarette count as low as the no bullshit boy count, I think I am moving in the right direction indeed.

New Years Wish

This year, I should love to tame and be tamed.

My Two Week Love Romance(s)

My dear little romances, you  have been lovely. But you really have got to go. You've given me heart flitters, rosy cheeks, and someone to sleep next to- occasionally. I was grateful for your little reminder- that love is out there for me. And that I m still capable to feel it. Feel gitty, feel girly, feel that excitement when a telephone rings. But really, you got to go.

It's coming up on a New Year you see- and if you follow me well, that would just be redundant. We can both agree on that now can't we?  I've got to get rid of you in order to make room for something bigger, grander, greater. Sure, you've been fun. But I need more than fun. You've really been lovely- but I'm looking for love. 

It's been quite a ride my little romances. But the ride is now over. I've got to make a break from you before I become broken. You've begun to get on my nerves and you are waring on me. You were useful for a time, and I do ever so thank you for that. But now you are just useless. 

I'll remember you fondly romances- you helped me pass the time away I guess. You taught me a thing or two about love and lust. And after all of your two weeks dances, I really prefer love. So you see, you gotta go. You can't follow me into this New Year, or the year after. I'm leaving you my two week romance- you can keep the bric-a-brac, I'll keep your memories with me always and my passion for something, well- longer.