It's Been a Year.

One year ago I decided to JUMP. I was in a place where I decided to make a life change- to get a life. A life I wanted to live, instead of the drudge I was living. I took a trip alone. A trip to a place looked at in dreams and through dark alleys. A place I wanted to go. I went.

A year ago I was here. It was pretty brave. I never say that about myself. But it was. I was. I went alone and decided to shake up my life. To move west. I rambled a bit about it here. That's alright, everone gets to ramble now and again.

To look at some of the pictures from that trip- I smile. I now have friends that live on those blocks. I live on one of them. 

A year ago I wandered around this town and wondered if I could live here. If I could live here happily. I thought I could. I remember the Farmers Market. The music. The people. The beautiful produce and flowers. The salad in bags with edible flowers. I fell in love. I dreamt of those flowers in vases on my table. A lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

Talk about a dream come true. I wondered what it would be like to shop there each week for groceries. To make dishes with that produce. Let me tell ya- it's wonderful. It's a lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

It has been a year. Exactly a year when I decided to do this. I can't believe it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like everything has. You could say the same about me. I will always be proud that I did this. That I took a fantasy and made it my reality. 

A year ago I stood right here and wished I lived here....

(photo taken a year ago)

I live on the other side of that peak-a-boo. Mondo Beyondo, indeed. 

Photo Fridays.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Hoops

The past few days have greeted me with a lot of garbage. A lot of bureaucracy. A lot of HOOPS. Jump here. Do this. Bend this way. Accommodate us. Screw You!

Phew... that feels better to get that out. Thank You.

It seems that my positivity has been tested lately. Even thought I know things have ended up (long run speaking) for the better- the short term has been getting me down. Mainly because nothing has been on my terms. I always bend to others, even when it doesn't work well for me. And yet, I still end up in this stagnant angry angry angry place making me want to scream: I don't deserve this! What have I ever done to you!

But, as I remind myself more and more these days:

Even though every day may not be Rosy, every day is still a day in my life. I'm reminded that my life is what I make of it. I hope it to be something beautiful, peaceful, and proud to be mine.

Photo Fridays.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Signs

The past few weeks I have been focused more and more on staying positive and listening very carefully to my heart, my mind, and the Universe. I've felt happier than I have ever felt, lighter, more stable. More like ME. I like that.

I've decided to listen to the wind to tell me which way to go. Throw my cards in the air. Be open. Open heart, open mind, open.....

Since I have decided to pay close attention to Message from the Universe, I have had quite an education of what surrounds me, and hopeful for good things to come. I have to say, I like where I am being pointed, and not just happy to get where I am going, but happy to be just where I am.

Independent

It's July 5th, a day after the 4th, here in New York City. Firework Central for all far and wide. Large scale photos of Lady Liberty. Many grill Smells. And Much Much Much RED WHITE BLUE. It's kinda a lot. For me, I've always felt a bit out of step during this time of year. Feeling pressure to be something patriotic, maybe, but feeling this pressure to be SUPER FUN!! Best EVER! Totally Awesome!!! 

But, I'm kinda... whatever.

Summer is my favorite time of year. Not for school being off (I skipped it anyway), camp in session (I really was not a fan), or the 4th (see above). But for the sunshine. Winter, is not my thing. I honestly long for sun. I live for it, and cry when it goes away for many months on end. I made a promise to myself that last winter would be my last. And that promise may still be kept.

I'm thinking about Dreaming Mondo Big. Since my usual way of thinking doesn't seem to bring me any great results. I am thinking of throwing all the cards in the air, and just seeing what happens. During this Independence Week... How Independent can I get myself to be.... I wonder.

I continue to look for Messages from the Universe, and wonder.... Where are these Signs pointing me to? Who are they pointing me to? Are they pointing us to the same place, to find them one day together? I wonder.

Crazy Heart

Dear Universe,

Ah, you do it every time.... as Mondo is coming to a close, I feel I need it more than ever. Which may just be the point- I guess. I didn't do many lessons, but I will... promise.

My life... hmmm... well........ I try to see the positives in life, even if they turn out to be negatives. I still try to see the sunlight through the rain. Even though sometimes- I gotta squint. Take Rex for example, the man promised to another, who said the most amazing things I have ever heard before (directed to me that is). I just had to know... did ya mean it?

And yea- he said- he did. And left it there. Now, sure, I could get sad on it. But like I said before- I just don't wanna. I really do prefer to see the positive in it. And so it is- Mondo in action. He said he could not believe that nobody ever said such things to me before.... and he's right. He's right!  

Beyondo Mondo- he's right. 

The positive in this, if you dare to dream of positive, is that here is this person- saying very loudly that I am all of these wonderful things. And maybe that, just that, is the gift of him in my life. Someone walking in and saying- jeez- you never hear these things- who do you hang around with?!

Exactly friend- Exactly.

So thank you Universe, thank you for bringing this person into my world, for even a very short while. He's right- I need to hear these lovely things, from someone free to say them (to me).

Photo Fridays.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

365+7

One year ago I was attacked. I was assaulted at my door step. Beaten and nearly raped. Nearly. I fought myself out of it, most of it. And home as never felt the same. I tried to heal, still try to heal, and open myself up to The Universe for where my place should be. But still, when I come home I don't feel at home. I feel challenged and uncomfortable. Every time I am here

So 7 days ago was the 1 year anniversary of my assault. I just didn't want to be here, be there. Be in the same place where someone treated me like nothing. Treated me with brutality. Didn't see me as someone at all. So- I went away to see my friend. Several states away to feel accepted and loved and living again. It felt wonderful to be with my friend ago and to be around these- they always make me feel at home

Now, a week later, I have traveled across the country and back. Still feeling the west pulling me and wondering if I throw my chips in the air and gamble it all and get there. Get there. Get there...

To Beyondo!

I believe in Messages from the Universe. I believe that life is something to be renewed. I believe that I need a Message to Renew. Last year, I fell into Mondo Beyond and was invited into something called Dreaming. I believed that I really needed that.

It is coming up on one year of my attack. It will be a year two weeks from now, but who's counting, right? I'm still trying to get used to living again, trying to not to be frightened about everything. And trying to see this attack as a positive. Crazy perhaps, but maybe have it serve as a sign that I was on the wrong road. That I need to go somewhere else, perhaps.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about children, and how much I would like to have my own. It only occurred to me yesterday that some of this is linked to my sadness of having to give up my pregnancy last year. After undergoing major surgery and being heavily medicated for three weeks, I got ill. Only I found out weeks later, I was not ill. I was pregnant. And there was no way that I would keep it. My body would not be able to hold the pregnancy after the surgery. And of course, the baby could have some major complications due to the sedation and medication. The sadness was unbearable. So much so, that I only really began to think about it yesterday. That I not only wanted children, but that I miss the one I had to give up, because it was best for the both of us. I'm not sure if the loss will ever go away.

So, I thought of Mondo. After my attack and losing the baby, I needed some light. Some joy. Some thing. And Mondo and the dreamers were there. Bless them. I thought about joining up again. Still, money is tight and time with work is tighter. So, I threw it to the Universe. Looking at Andrea's Blog, I found a little clue- a two for one buddy deal. I threw my hat in the ring and thought- let the stars decide. And this morning, I was matched. And so it is. Thank you for being a sign Andrea, thank you.

I am happy to begin to dream again. I believe I need it. As I try to clear out the cobwebs of my life, I am hopeful that Mondo will help me to plant some new seeds that will somehow make my life beautiful.

You Can Learn A Lot Of Things From The Flowers

Do you remember Alice in Wonderland? I love it.

There is a very special scene that lives in that movie. Where she is lost and frightened and stumbles into a bed of flowers. And even when I was young, and I knew the flowers teased her, I still wanted to live in there. And be one of them. Because they were Beautiful. Simple. Together.

There is a song they sing to (at?) Alice- you can learn a lot of things from the flowers. And today, as I walked the pup in Brooklyn Spring, that song replayed in my head.

What can I learn from the flowers?

To be Beautiful. Simple. Together.

Instant Karma

My last few entries have troubled me. It is tough to admit that you may kinda like things that are bad for you. That you get a rush from it even. But it is true, and that is the point of my writing this. To have some Bravery.

I've had a slew of boys from Christmas past in my mind this week. Two in particular. Maybe it is because they are so much alike. Or maybe they both make me feel the same empty way. Probably a mixture of all of that really. One of them jumped back into my world this week completely at random. And I jumped too. The lameness of it all is even too much to get into, but let's say I fell back in a cat and mouse pattern of stupidity. 

The other has been skating around my brain for days. I heard a random song very closely associated with him twice this week- a never played barely known song. Twice. This is a person who very much took advantage of me. In a time of great sorrow and loss in my life, he used my hopelessness to his advantage. He used me in ways I thought impossible, then turned it all around on me in a perfectly crafted manner. It was quite a job he did. I'll never understand how you can know that the person in your arms is a victim and then go out of your way yo victimize them. My brain doesn't work that way I guess. 

Then there it was- his face in the newspaper. He had become a victim of violent crime. Just like me. His assault was not as vicious as mine, but it left him on the ground and bleeding. I immediately called him. And there he was. This person living in my mind as a bad memory on the other end of the phone. I told him that I read about what happened, and wanted to make sure he was alright. It was as natural to me as breathing. But I am not sure if that is so great. Do you treat people with kindness who have gone out of their way to hurt you? I just don't know.

The fact that he has been on my mind during the time of his attack is not lost on me. That it occurred a few blocks from my house, where my attack occurred also sat with me for a bit. What does that mean Universe? Is that a breathing Message? Am I beginning to unlock something of great importance or, am I locking myself into bad and dangerous habit? Do I hold the key to the answer? Or is something or someone else unlocking me?

The Last Photo Friday of 2010

For my last photo of 2010, here's a Message from the Universe I will take with me into next year. Thank you i believe in santa clause for a wonderful new tradition!

After The Darkness

It was hard to take my attack and see the positive in it. There was nothing positive about being assaulted and nothing positive from the head injury, the post traumatic stress, or the anxiety. The incident will never be a positive one.

What happened thereafter, however, has turned out to be.  Months of counseling and personal searching has lead me here. It has lead me to a place where I am really impressed with myself. I know it is out of fashion to ring one's bell, but damn it- this bell should ring. 

Directly after the attack, I returned to work and school- three days after. I went in with my arm in a sling and my head swirling, but I went. After the attack I managed to complete my second masters degree, complete a counseling internship, continue to work in the justice system (not easy to help offenders once you are a crime victim), and get the job a wanted- a mighty big job at that. 

After the attack I  went back to dating. Which is huge. Even in the middle of living life after a sexual assault, I was not closed off to the notion of love entering my life. In fact, I seek it out still daily.

I've never lost my friendships, in fact I gained and strengthened them. After the attack I found  dichotomy of people in my life. One side that loved and supported me, the other that dropped the ball and dropped out of my life. I will always be grateful for those who stuck with it and stuck by me. And it may sound odd, but I may be more grateful to the ones that did not. This group of people showed me that not everyone in my life should be there. And, if they don't value me, they can keep on moving.

Which brings me back to dating....

I've been out with someone a few times now. He's cute, we laugh a lot, and enjoy our time together. But it always seems to be me that does the asking, the getting in touch... the work. And that well, does not work for me. Now, he doesn't know my life story, he doesn't know what happened this summer- but that really doesn't matter. If he doesn't see that I am amazing, then he really isn't worth my time. I have learned that from this other group of people. I can take it negatively and personally, but in the end that just isn't true. What is true is that I am stellar- and if that sounds egotistical- then fine. But I am. I don't think enough people think that way.

Believe me- it is difficult. This addiction to unavailable men is harder to quit than cigarettes. But I am working on it.
   

 

Do You Believe In Magic?

Dragonflies are believed to be magical by many many people. Myself included. They are believed to remind us that life shifts and changes and that life is not always what it appears to be. They remind us to see through life's illusions and see our true lives and our true selves.

This concept I need more than ever now. I have been surrounded by illusions and crazies and been stuck in holding patterns for months. Now, these patterns have been released- all within two weeks and I find myself soaring again. Thank goodness.

When I walk my dog I look for Messages  from the Universe, without really looking. Perhaps allowing the Signs to find me and allowing myself to be open to them. Sign Found- Hint Taken. Thank You.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive....

Speaking of Message From the Universe....

You Are Either On The Bus, Or Off The Bus.

Walking with a friend last weekend, we stumbled upon this amazing bus. Perhaps another Message from the Universe.

Bonita Beyondo.

I am excited for Mondo Beyondo to begin on Monday. It's an online class designed to help you to be more creative, united, inspired, and brave. And in the words of a lady I know, Becky, I choose brave. I'm sure much of this blog will talk about my Mondo. I'm hoping something will inspire me to get moving, I've been feeling stuck for quite some time.

I knew Mondo Beyondo would be a good step for me. After thinking about joining and contemplating the cost, I saw that the cost had been lowered for one weekend only. So- one excuse gonzo. The course begins Monday and I was asked how it works and how I begin. I didn't have many answers. That is until I came home now to my welcome email with all of my questions answered.  So- feeling lost gonzo.

If you read this, you know I believe in  Messages from the Universe.  Mondo has something very similar. Maybe someone else out there does think like me and believe in the things that I believe in. In all, I think I'm in the right spot.

Signs.

I do believe in messages from the Universe. 

The Universe speaks to me through the sidewalk... apparently.

I've decided to post them as they appear.

Beauty is everywhere, if you ask for it to be.

Walking with my pup this afternoon I began thinking about this blog. I was happy that I began to make this platform and hoped that through it, I would find some beauty in this world.

Walking in New York City you can sometimes wonder if there is beauty. You can wonder if beauty still exists in this world. Natural Beauty. Beauty that makes you believe in something beyond yourself and ponder the meaning of fate and coincidence.I hoped that real beauty still did exist somewhere, and that the somewhere could be somewhere near me.

I looked down and saw this

Beauty can exist. If you let it come to you.