"Live by the moment; after all,
life is a series of moments." -- Trent Woodard
This quote has become my life, unfortunately. I have lived inside many years of darkness with very few days of light that can be counted. Most of this life has been a battle, a heart breaking uphill battle, with few points of love. Few points of mercy. Few moments of happiness in my life only to be ripped back and stolen from me. Always with the words- you don't deserve this- but they do it all to me anyway.
I don't care to have a series of moments. I am seeking for consistency, continuity, stability. I don't know these things in my life. But I know it exists in the lives of others. I've seen it. I know it is real. And now, now I am terrified that it won't happen for me. I'm simply terrified.
Just a few weeks ago another man entered my life. Well, re-entered. He and I knew one another many years ago. When I was young, beautiful, blonde, and still hopeful. Seeing him again made me feel hopeful once more. He got me thinking about fate. How we found one another 3,000 miles away from home in a town where we had no real roots, but one another. He made me think that perhaps the reason I have been alone for so long was because we had to wait for one another. We had to become the people we are now in the place we are now. Thinking that way made the years of loneliness almost alright by me. Because we were here. I was alright, and maybe, that time was over. I was mistaken.
He was just another. I was blinded. I was stupidly trusting, even though nothing in my history says I should have been . I thought this was different. I was different. This was different. I was mistaken.
Tuesday was the two year anniversary of my attack. I told him I didn't want to be alone that night. Instead, I wanted to feel appreciated, safe, happy. He said he would be there and make all of that happen. And he did. Until he didn't. He just had to tell me that very evening that he 'wasn't sure' that he wanted to do this. Wasn't sure that he could do this. This- on the evening when I asked to feel special, wanted, and safe. I couldn't even get my wish granted before midnight. I couldn't get it, even though I know this exists every day in the lives of others.
This is my heartbreak. Again.
Just a few days ago I wrote about him. That he made me smile by doing nothing. And now, he makes me cry by doing the same. I have had my life dangled in front of me. Then he snatched it all back away. This from someone who told my mother I was special. This from someone who told me his favorite baby names. This from someone who said he sleeps better next to me. This from someone I have done nothing but try to be a good person for and with.
I just wish I could say that I did something terrible. Slept with his brother or got him fired. Spent all his money and lost his dog. But, no. I have never and would never do something to hurt him. All I would want for him is happiness. All I want for me is that too.
But now, in this moment I feel as I have my entire life time. Frozen. Broken. Dead Inside. Crying. I got a close glimpse when he was around. I could almost see my future, the way I wish it would turn out. And having this person pull back and run, it left a dent in a place I didn't know existed. The pain and sadness is something I just can't explain. It would have been better if he had just left me alone. Left me to my loneliness. I didn't need the love me love me not game. I didn't need the reminder. I didn't need any of them, really. It would be better if they would have left me alone because this heartbreak will last longer than our two week romance.
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