It's Been a Year.

One year ago I decided to JUMP. I was in a place where I decided to make a life change- to get a life. A life I wanted to live, instead of the drudge I was living. I took a trip alone. A trip to a place looked at in dreams and through dark alleys. A place I wanted to go. I went.

A year ago I was here. It was pretty brave. I never say that about myself. But it was. I was. I went alone and decided to shake up my life. To move west. I rambled a bit about it here. That's alright, everone gets to ramble now and again.

To look at some of the pictures from that trip- I smile. I now have friends that live on those blocks. I live on one of them. 

A year ago I wandered around this town and wondered if I could live here. If I could live here happily. I thought I could. I remember the Farmers Market. The music. The people. The beautiful produce and flowers. The salad in bags with edible flowers. I fell in love. I dreamt of those flowers in vases on my table. A lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

Talk about a dream come true. I wondered what it would be like to shop there each week for groceries. To make dishes with that produce. Let me tell ya- it's wonderful. It's a lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

It has been a year. Exactly a year when I decided to do this. I can't believe it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like everything has. You could say the same about me. I will always be proud that I did this. That I took a fantasy and made it my reality. 

A year ago I stood right here and wished I lived here....

(photo taken a year ago)

I live on the other side of that peak-a-boo. Mondo Beyondo, indeed. 

#YOU

Where ever you go- there you are. 

Even more so.... where ever I go- there you are. You seem to follow me. Hide in shadows. Lurk on corners. Follow me home. Leave me in the lurch. Leave me alone again.

You clever you. You take on different shapes. Different accents. Different smells and shoes sizes. You spit different rhymes and reasons. But you still get me in the end. Get my heart. Get a little piece of me, what little there is left. Get me to my scabbed knees. Get me telling myself that I can take one more hit. Even though I know it isn't true. I know this one may just have been one too many. And this, this, is my greatest sadness. Because in my heart and mind I really think that this one may have sent me to a place from where I can't get back from. This one hit too low below the belt and too deep into my gut.

This is their way, this is your way. Get me to believe that my walls no longer need to be standing. Trick me to think that I need no more protection, now that you are here. Get me to tell you about my life- my real life. The life barely anyone knows about. The life that looks beautiful on the outside, but on the inside is cold, empty, damp, used, broken, battered, the real me. The me that cowers in corners and talks myself into getting up again for another day  that I can bet is going to be terrible. The me that knows better to believe anything you say. Believe what anyone says, really.

But you challenge that voice, and I am too tired to fight it. Too tired to believe my life is meant to be spent alone and miserable. So I bite. 

I spent time listening to your fear. I spent time making you dinner. I spent time compromising on baby names. I spent time hearing you say that you only sleep right when I am next to you. I spent time telling myself that this may just be an end to the life I knew before you. That is until I discovered you are just the latest of all of them. Where ever I go, there you are. And here you are once again. 

I spend a lot of time trying to reconcile that the life I dreamt of will never be mine. Nobody will ever love me in my 20's. Nobody will love me when I am young and beautiful. Nobody will ever know me not being someone crippled- in my heart, mind, and body. Nobody will know me without serious trauma. Nobody will have kids with me by age 30. Nobody will know me without doubt, fear, and having to convince me that I can believe anything they say. That will never be my life. This will never be me.

I spent a lot of time thinking if I could believe you when you talk. I spent a lot of time hoping that when I reached out that you would take my hand. I hoped you would already be there- hand extended- waiting for me. This is not what happened. 

Just at the moment when I let you in. Just at the moment when I felt I could tell you that I needed you then. Just when I took enough bricks out to see over the wall. Just then you took the air out of my lungs and broke my broken heart. I never ask for help, or support of any kind. But I asked this of you. I asked because you asked me to. And you dropped it. Dropped the ball, my faith, dropped me.  There I was. Feeling the wind go through my empty chest. Feel nothing at all because I am already so far gone. More than I let on. More that I really knew. And there I was again. Alone. Alone again, Naturally.

And now, now that you used me up and left me with nothing but more pain than before, I wonder. I wonder if that little voice in my mind is right. Maybe I should just give up and call a dream just what it is, a dream. Maybe I should just come to realize that I am really too far gone. That I am too much. That I have too much damage. Too much to take on. Too much for anyone else to bear. And this makes me more sad than I can possibly say. This is my greatest sadness. 

I wish I could say that I had a good time acquiring all of this baggage.  But that just is not the case. These are marks given to me over three decades. These are bruises taken, not earned. In the end, no matter how I got them, fair or not fair. This is what it is. This is a great sadness, because this is what I am and what I have. No matter if I want it, deserve it, or not. This is what I have to carry. No matter how far I move or how light I color my hair. Where ever I go, here I am. And there you are creeping up behind me.

I would never go out to hurt anyone. But perhaps by getting involved with you- I do. I do hurt you- and I hurt me more. I think I just need to come to terms with a life that is mine. A life of looks from a distance. A look from men who go home to women less complicated. A life too broken to be fixed. A life spent without tan lines on my left hand. A life with a heavy heart and swollen eyes. A life that is mine, far away from my dream. Far away from you. A life missing what I never had. A life feeling sad for myself, wide awake in a world where I build walls. This time not to be taken down. No matter how handsome, charming, or lovely you seem in our two weeks, they stay. They stay. You go.

6,000 miles more till home

Oh my dear blog. Oh how I have thought of you and missed you. Oh, how busy I have been and how topsy turvy it has all been. Catch you up- last job over, new one beginning any moment (hooray!), last crush over, new crush- perhaps not a crush at all. Perhaps this is my opportunity to go from crushed to true love. Me thinks this one may be a keeper.

It's amazing how life can go. How you can keep tabs on people for years from a far. How you learn over a decade later that he always had eyes for you. How I try very hard to believe him when he says that. That is a toughy- a mighty toughy indeed.

I took a big jump when I moved out here. But I did it to take a step to my future. A future that I can see clearer on this side of the continent. A future that sometimes comes into focus when he is around me. And I like that, I like it a lot. I like the ease, the familiar feeling, the way I count down days until I see you again. The way you make me smile by just breathing.

But in the midst of falling- I had to fly. This past week I boarded a plane and headed east. To the concrete jungle where I am from. I had doubts in my mind. Knowing I would love to see my friends, but fearing I would hate the city just as I had when I left it. But that wasn't the case at all. I loved to be back there. And loved that I didn't live there anymore. It was a wonderful feeling. A feeling of familiar again, but without all of the hostility, anger, and fear I used to carry around while living there. The days became of high importance, and the people that filled those days were precious. I didn't realize just how much I would miss my friends. And this made me feel love in a way I had not yet felt. I even loved the city again. Something I wasn't sure would happen. But blessed that it did. Still, being there with them, I have to say- I missed you. I wished you could be around for them to meet you. Because you- you just sparkle.

Here is the test for me now. How do I go in easy? How do I ease into this? Not rush the wonderment? Not jump- just coast? How do I tell you this is meaningful without you freaking out? I don't know if that would freak you out. How do I tell you that I mean it? That I mean what I say and do around you? That this is meaningful to me. That I still get a little unsure and maybe feel a little awkward in our in between moments. How do I tell you that I don't care to be in between? That I just want to be in? That you make me happy- happy to be around you, happy to be here- just happy. Slow and steady. Slow and steady.

(Photo borrowed from : http://myonlinebestfriendsblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/just-to-make-you-smile.html#axzz1vGznplvZ)

Sacred Places. Tender Hearts.

Writing for me comes in waves. It always has. Perhaps it always will. Life comes in waves. Happiness. Luck. Fear. Love. Ebb. Flow. Knowing this, it makes sense that writing follows suit and waves over me. This is one of the magic parts of life along with one of the curses. Blessed with inner dialogue cursed with sudden silence. This is one of the moments in my life when words wash over me. This is one of the moments I hold on and listen to the voice in my mind. The voice that whispers secrets of where I have been and where I crave to go in the future.

The waves lately come with new ideas and old feelings. Feelings of seeking and being found. Of being broken. Being healed. In these moments I find myself. Hidden on shelves tucked away under dust holding what I loved as a child. My chin, my cheek, my very true and simple belief in love. 

Seekers look around. Seekers look for one another. A seeker told me this once. I look to find him again. In this world or the next. I could really use his voice here. His Direction. Seeker- I'm seeking you out here. I only have one of your notes, one of your shoes, and a few prayer matches left from your time here on this planet. It isn't much to hang on to.

I have you here in my heart, here talking to me as I write. I see my fingers go as fast as they can to keep up with you. I could use some wisdom of yours in this heart of mine. Door wide open, heart shakey with anticipation. Next move, yours. My move- waiting. 

Sacred places on this planet seem abundant to many. But scarce for me. I look with want and wait and patience. I try to see the sacred moments through the shadows of the lucky. I grasp for what I know- seek when I am able. And love you more each day. I hope my life makes you proud. Maybe you can see some of the ways you molded me, even though I was just a child when you left. Even though I didn't recognize you the last time I told you standing. Even though I voted to turn off the machines. I hope you know that I love and miss you. Even if I didn't say it much when you were living. You should have heard it more from my voice. For this, I am eternally sorry.

It would be so wonderful to feel your hand on my shoulder. Just a little push in the direction that is right. Because I am walking in a circle of lefts. I'll keep my small box of things you touched close to my bed and hope I see you again in my dreams. I hope I hear your voice telling me I am doing alright. That I make you proud. Because I have nowhere to talk with you but here. Nowhere but here can I find you. And I miss you so terribly. Tell me what you think of this life of mine, please. Tell me I am still precious to you and that this heart and yours are still linked. Even where you are now- everywhere all at once. 

Car 54 Where Are You?

I should begin with an apology. Well- maybe. I am sorry that I haven't been writing here- documenting my life- and thanking the Universe for every single thing. But, you see, I have been LIVING. Living in ways that I wished for many years ago. Years ago in a concrete jungle breathing in asphalt and kicking broken pieces of glass. Wishing and hoping I was here- right here- right where I am now.

Still, that is no excuse. I should take the time for me- time to reflect and see how far I have come in just a small length of time. Most don't believe me that I wasn't afraid to jump west- but it really is true. Honestly, I was more afraid to stay. Everyday there I felt life slipping through my fingers. Now, it is something I run towards. And so far- the run has been wonderful.

The run has taken me to beaches, to rivers, to redwoods, to places I dreamt of and cried over once awake. The run has taken me from concrete to soil. I am amazed by the bravery of the run. I honor the run and the little feet that kept moving, even when I felt I could not take another step. I'm amazed that the steps are my own- even though I knew they were mine always to take.

The next step? Settle into home. The next step is to enter my new home here. This takes place in mere days. Something that has taken me years to accomplish is very close at hand. My little hand, to be precise.

To my little feet, big heart, and to the wonderful Universe- thank you- thank you for this journey I call my life. For the good, the bad, the painful, the pleasureful, the all of it. Thank you for getting me here and moving me forward.

Dear Universe.......

I am not sure if it is right or proper to ask for things, but I do think it is alright to put things up to you for consideration. These are the things I need help with and would very much appreciate you helping me out with them. Just to be clear, dear Universe, please hurry in earth time- because I am just about at the end of my rope..... And, thank you my dear, dear Universe.

Please let me land a new job very soon where I am moving to soon. I'm antsy and could really use a great position that pays me to live and pays my soul.

Please bring me some love. Romantic love that is true and mine. 

Please bring me a sense of ease, this tension and anxiety has got me in knots. Please Universe, please make it easier and take it easy on me.

Please bring me a new set of friends quickly when I move. Friends that will take care of me and care for me, please.

Please bring me happiness that lasts more than a matter of days. Real happiness- long lasting.

I know that this may seem all about me- but really- it isn't. I would love to be good in the lives of others and promise to be so. But please, please dear Universe. I need some help now. I need you to be here with me and for me. Please dear Universe, please hurry my dear.

Nor Cal

I decided to take a leap. A jump. A test run into Northern California. A Mondo Beyondo Dream come to life. My life, to be exact. For quite some time I have been playing with the idea of moving to Northern California. And it would be swell if one of my east coast buddies would come with me. But alas, that does not seem to be the case. So- off I went- all by myself- into the great west.


I love the west. Love the way it looks, love the way it feels on my skin. Love the way my broken body mends faster here. I love the way people dress like me- and act like me too. It confirms that I don't belong in New York City. Which makes me a bit sad- that my hometown is not my home. Never felt like home. Never, really.


So- I took a big leap- and went on this trip on my own. And it wasn't scary or sad- it is great. It is wonderful. And exciting and beautiful. First- for a few days I lollied around Santa Cruz. Met with some lovely people I would love to work with. And did a bunch of looking. Lucky lucky me- I got to see this every day....

Admittedly, I got a little teary eyed when I had to go. But I know I will be back soon. I know that. And- I get to see some long ago friends in San Francisco. Which has been super. Now- they are trying to pull me into their section of the Bay Area. Ah- who knows. It's nice to be wanted- I'll tell ya that for sure.


In the past week- I have had three people call me brave. I've never considered myself brave, but looking back on it all- I guess I am. Nice! Doing this trip on my own- meeting up with people I never met before- thinking about making a big move away all on my own. Yea- brave I guess. But, the way I see it, there is no other way for me right now. New York hasn't given me what I need. So, I gotta go somewhere else. Somewhere new. And like everything else in my life thus far, I gotta do it on my own. Which doesn't register to me as brave at first, it's just the way it has been for me. Maybe I need a new way to see myself. See myself as brave, as opposed to being on my own. 


But, I'm not on my own. I have friends where I am right now. And friends to be made. Now all I have to do is look around and decide when to take the bigger leap and stay longer than a week. Take a big leap and trust that I know I am in good hands, in good company, and finally in a good place.

Photo Fridays....One Day Late With Good Reason

Yes Yes. I know- I'm late. And no, I will not be blaming jet lag, the earthquake, or hurricane. It has been such an amazing few days, I've been out living them. Hard! I'm on my own little Nor Cal Road trip- and will write all about it. Until then- here's a photo from today to keep you going.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Slide

Dear Universe,

I have chosen to believe in you. I have chosen that my being comfortable with being uncomfortable is not the way to go. I've decided to have some faith, to Dream. Mondo Dream. Some days it is easy, some days it is very frightening.

Yes... I think my life is better off without going into an office everyday where people scheme to hurt me. I think it is better for me not to be lied about and betrayed. Yep... better. But still scary to be floating out here, not knowing where I will land. I feel like a bubble.

Yet still, I have had a word floating in my mind today. Something from Fight Club, believe it or not. I hear My Power Animal. I hear over and over again.... Slide. It scares me to slide.

My life has been a practice of power and control, a practice in trying to achieve balance. Which makes Sliding, well, tricky. But in this fear, in this moment of anxiety- I have to LET GO.

Believe. Dream. Slide.

Mondo Is Everywhere...

So, I guess I could take this week as a negative. But I really just don't want to. The job I hated is over. The people making my life hell are out of my life. And I can stop pretending that I give a shit about anything they say.... PHEW!

This week in Mondo Beyondo we learned about dismantling. And well, things came apart all right. And instead of me being scared and afraid and blah blah blah, I am going to be positive. Positive! For sure positive that this is all a good thing, that it is time for new- time for me. Time for something. So sure- Positive!

Mondo asks us to take leaps- to try the dream unknown. And I say I am in. I'm not the only one either. My lovely friend decided to take a chance- realize a Dream- and go all in. She has been an artist forever- and I should know I knew her when we were 4 years old. And I am so happy for her- she is realizing her Dream- Mondo Style! And here she is.... check it out and show some dreamer love if you can.... http://www.mzcaraher.com/

I want to take this moment to thank you Mondo- thank you Dreamers- thank you. Without you I may not be so positive, I'm positive about that. So.... Thank you.