It's Been a Year.

One year ago I decided to JUMP. I was in a place where I decided to make a life change- to get a life. A life I wanted to live, instead of the drudge I was living. I took a trip alone. A trip to a place looked at in dreams and through dark alleys. A place I wanted to go. I went.

A year ago I was here. It was pretty brave. I never say that about myself. But it was. I was. I went alone and decided to shake up my life. To move west. I rambled a bit about it here. That's alright, everone gets to ramble now and again.

To look at some of the pictures from that trip- I smile. I now have friends that live on those blocks. I live on one of them. 

A year ago I wandered around this town and wondered if I could live here. If I could live here happily. I thought I could. I remember the Farmers Market. The music. The people. The beautiful produce and flowers. The salad in bags with edible flowers. I fell in love. I dreamt of those flowers in vases on my table. A lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

Talk about a dream come true. I wondered what it would be like to shop there each week for groceries. To make dishes with that produce. Let me tell ya- it's wonderful. It's a lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

It has been a year. Exactly a year when I decided to do this. I can't believe it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like everything has. You could say the same about me. I will always be proud that I did this. That I took a fantasy and made it my reality. 

A year ago I stood right here and wished I lived here....

(photo taken a year ago)

I live on the other side of that peak-a-boo. Mondo Beyondo, indeed. 

365 x 2 + 1

Two years ago I was here. I lay right there in that spot. Beaten and assaulted by someone I never saw before. And never saw again since. I became someone else after that. Someone I am still trying to figure out.

Still, sometimes, I flash back. Flash back to the me I was before all of this. She was happy- getting somewhere- following a plan of some kind. The me of that night. She finally had some fun that night after years of pain, back surgery, and giving up her first pregnancy. The me of the attack. Screaming fighting clawing. The aftermath. The fear the anxiety the sleepless nights of smoking. The imprints his heels left on my thighs.

But now, it is two years later. And I am here. A place I dreamt of in my secret moments. A place that I felt would save me if I ever got there. And now I am here. Possibly closer to the person I dreamt of being and the man I always wanted to be with. That is of course, if I don't blow it by being me. The me that gets in my way. The way I snap. The way my emotions turn to sour milk. The way I become a stranger to myself- a stranger I don't care to know. Someone who is needy and wanting and clingy. Someone who pushes him away by pulling him too close. I got to work on that. 

I have spent the past two years coming out of a prison beaten into me by a stranger. A stranger who wanted nothing more than to rape and hurt me. A man who tore me up from the inside out. I have spent the past two years trying very hard to become some type of normal. To try to love myself in spite of myself, since that would be the only way for you to find then love me. I try very hard at all this. It at times can be quite exhausting, terrifying, freeing. Something.

Another year has gone by. And I find myself here. Here in this place. Here waiting for me, trying to find the me in me. Still waiting. Waiting for me-us. Me and You. Something.

I Give.

Alright. I am right on the brink of either jumping all in or jumping back fully. I'm right there in the moment of either way. And now, it depends on the breeze, the sun, the feeling in my gut, just which way I go. I'm right on the brink, I can see it.

I've been here before. I know what they look like now. And I know how to handle them. I refuse. I refuse to let my heart get into knots again. I just won't do it. For my lifetime I have had nobody but me to protect me. But in this life area I have been weak. Weak in the knees. Weak in my mind. Weak willed. But that was before.

So alright, I give in. I'll give up again on waiting to be asked, approached, acknowledged. Sure, I give in- this one more time. I'll tell you that I think you are amazing. That you are special in ways I didn't know existed. That no matter what you say- I see being amazing comes easy to you. It's as easy as breathing for you. Which is just so troubling. Because you don't seem to let yourself know that I see it. I see you. But me- I remain unseen.

Knowing a bit of my crust doesn't seem to matter. It doesn't seem to make you say anything. Make you say anything about or to me. It's incredibly aggravating. And hurts my feelings more that I can say. I feel as if I have to go out on ledges alone here- without any indication how close I am to the fall. I get your need for pace. I get your need for peace. I do my best to give you all that you need. But I am alone in this process. Even though I do my best for you. Give you support, heart, strength. I do not do what is best for me. I live on thin lines skating. Slipping back to what I know. Being unsure, unprotected, unaware of how close I am to falling without being caught.

So fine- I give. I will tell you again- tell you in writing. Tell you where you stand right now. I don't know what the future holds, where it will take us, or if we will know one another a year from this moment. I don't know. What I do know is that I connect to you, and that is rare in life, let alone my life, as you know. So fine- it isn't easy for me. And yes- it scares the hell out of me. And no- it doesn't make much sense. But here it is. Here we are. Here I am. Now, where are you?

Come Out Come Out- Wherever You Are.

Hello from one of the most beautiful places on earth. Although- lately- it hasn't been beautiful. It has been cold and rainy and leaving me with great unease and anxiety. Or maybe I bring those things here. Which may mean I am ruining paradise. I may have to think on that one.

Life as of late has been chaotic to say the least. I have moved Home. A place I have dreamt of for as long as I can remember. A place I have never had before. I have lived places, slept places, have addresses, but never had anywhere feel close to where I should be. Home for me has been a place of terrible fear. Nail biting. A place of secrets. Lies. Pain. Pain that stings long after the belt. Pain that still swirls in my heart and makes my back clench. Pain that feels as strong now in this moment, just as it did when I had baby curls and a bedtime.

This has always been hard to explain. I guess I cover my scars well. I can paint over myself to look just right. To look beautiful. To look normal. I have been able to erase my history- on a skin level anyway. But the more I try to settle into my new home, the more unpacking I do emotionally. To say I am uncovering a whole new level of loss is to say the least. The more I unpack, the more I learn all that I do not have. All that I never had. All that was taken from me, robbed from me, and stolen. All that I needed. All that I still need now. And all that I have  wanted for what seems like my lifetime.

I find my patience getting shorter- for others, and most likely myself too. I pride myself on being a caring human being. Being someone to be trusted, relied on. A safe person to turn to- no matter the time. No matter anything at all. As I unpack and settle- I feel unsettled. I unpack alone yet again. Without any help. Without anyone. And this constant is driving me mad constantly. My tolerance for this is at an all time low. I now say things out loud to myself, to the Universe, to anyone who will listen, really. I could really use some help here- from someone able to do it. From someone who wants to do it. For someone who wants to do this with me.

Now, I know I may not be the easiest person. But I try very hard to not let my past screw up my present and future. I know there are others that are be easier, younger, prettier, simpler, what have you. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes. But I still think I am someone worth wanting. Someone worth saying things out loud to. Someone who wants to be here- not just in space and time. But here in my heart. Here in my life. 

I'm not afraid like I used to be. I used to be locked in a room. Beaten bloody and ruined. I used to be in a room bruised and battered and left alone. I used to be in a room staring at the cracks in my door from the bashing. I used to be in a room shaking and shattered. I used to be in a room buried in a corner rocking myself to be calm. I would watch my hands shake and feeling them freezing cold terrified to leave. I would feel this freeze on my fingertips and feel nothing else. Feel no heart beat. Feel no life. Feel no emotion. Feel nothing but the freezing digit pulse. This was my life for many years.

I would be in a hot bath stung failing at catching my breath and crying. I used to be in a room on the floor wondering if this is what it felt like to die. For my body to feel my soul leave it. For my heart to be so broken that I wished they had killed me, because at least then it would be over. I'm not afraid like I used to be. But I remember.

I say things out loud now- say them with complete fragility and wavering voice. To say things out loud isn't easy for me. But I have to say it. To have been locked away for so long, it makes me need to say things out loud. I just have to do it. But every time I get no response, every time I get dead air, every time I get nothing in return, I feel what I did before. I remember. 

Still, I have to do it. I have to take this life of mine and match it to the beauty around me. Take something for myself. Make myself into something. 

I didn't think that this move would unleash all that I thought was settled. Make me remember things I spent thousands of dollars killing with drugs and therapy. I didn't know it would all come rushing back to me. I didn't think it was still following me, still a part of me, something to be settled again. Vulnerability is a mother fucker. Seeing how others see me can be just as tricky. Seeing my life through the eyes of another can be beautiful. And it is this beauty that keeps me talking, keeps me praying, keeps me saying things out loud. Keeps me telling myself to settle again. Keeps me.

 

(Photo by http://thomas-rant.blogspot.com/)

Car 54 Where Are You?

I should begin with an apology. Well- maybe. I am sorry that I haven't been writing here- documenting my life- and thanking the Universe for every single thing. But, you see, I have been LIVING. Living in ways that I wished for many years ago. Years ago in a concrete jungle breathing in asphalt and kicking broken pieces of glass. Wishing and hoping I was here- right here- right where I am now.

Still, that is no excuse. I should take the time for me- time to reflect and see how far I have come in just a small length of time. Most don't believe me that I wasn't afraid to jump west- but it really is true. Honestly, I was more afraid to stay. Everyday there I felt life slipping through my fingers. Now, it is something I run towards. And so far- the run has been wonderful.

The run has taken me to beaches, to rivers, to redwoods, to places I dreamt of and cried over once awake. The run has taken me from concrete to soil. I am amazed by the bravery of the run. I honor the run and the little feet that kept moving, even when I felt I could not take another step. I'm amazed that the steps are my own- even though I knew they were mine always to take.

The next step? Settle into home. The next step is to enter my new home here. This takes place in mere days. Something that has taken me years to accomplish is very close at hand. My little hand, to be precise.

To my little feet, big heart, and to the wonderful Universe- thank you- thank you for this journey I call my life. For the good, the bad, the painful, the pleasureful, the all of it. Thank you for getting me here and moving me forward.

Occupied.

Just as I move out of NYC- the revolution arrives. Wonderfully- the revolution has been televised and as gone international. I ask you- what can you do to lend your voice? What can you do to stand up for yourself? I decided to mix image and music and dedicate it to all of those who stand for us all.

Nor Cal

I decided to take a leap. A jump. A test run into Northern California. A Mondo Beyondo Dream come to life. My life, to be exact. For quite some time I have been playing with the idea of moving to Northern California. And it would be swell if one of my east coast buddies would come with me. But alas, that does not seem to be the case. So- off I went- all by myself- into the great west.


I love the west. Love the way it looks, love the way it feels on my skin. Love the way my broken body mends faster here. I love the way people dress like me- and act like me too. It confirms that I don't belong in New York City. Which makes me a bit sad- that my hometown is not my home. Never felt like home. Never, really.


So- I took a big leap- and went on this trip on my own. And it wasn't scary or sad- it is great. It is wonderful. And exciting and beautiful. First- for a few days I lollied around Santa Cruz. Met with some lovely people I would love to work with. And did a bunch of looking. Lucky lucky me- I got to see this every day....

Admittedly, I got a little teary eyed when I had to go. But I know I will be back soon. I know that. And- I get to see some long ago friends in San Francisco. Which has been super. Now- they are trying to pull me into their section of the Bay Area. Ah- who knows. It's nice to be wanted- I'll tell ya that for sure.


In the past week- I have had three people call me brave. I've never considered myself brave, but looking back on it all- I guess I am. Nice! Doing this trip on my own- meeting up with people I never met before- thinking about making a big move away all on my own. Yea- brave I guess. But, the way I see it, there is no other way for me right now. New York hasn't given me what I need. So, I gotta go somewhere else. Somewhere new. And like everything else in my life thus far, I gotta do it on my own. Which doesn't register to me as brave at first, it's just the way it has been for me. Maybe I need a new way to see myself. See myself as brave, as opposed to being on my own. 


But, I'm not on my own. I have friends where I am right now. And friends to be made. Now all I have to do is look around and decide when to take the bigger leap and stay longer than a week. Take a big leap and trust that I know I am in good hands, in good company, and finally in a good place.

Photo Fridays....One Day Late With Good Reason

Yes Yes. I know- I'm late. And no, I will not be blaming jet lag, the earthquake, or hurricane. It has been such an amazing few days, I've been out living them. Hard! I'm on my own little Nor Cal Road trip- and will write all about it. Until then- here's a photo from today to keep you going.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Free Falling

I've been a bit occupied lately. But occupied in a way I have never been before. Since the job I hated is no longer in my life, there is little holding me to New York City. Yes, I have wonderful friends here. I have family here. But I don't have what I want for my life here.

So, I am thinking- maybe I shouldn't be here.

I've been playing with my Mondo Beyondo Dreams. For many many many years, I have been yearning to move back west. I was there for a short while many years ago, but something about it always felt right. Felt like home. Felt like Me. 

Now, with very little money in my pocket, no job offer (yet), and knowing absolutely nobody in the town I am going to- I am off! Trying to live a Mondo Dream, but testing out for a week. 

I've never done anything like this before- just gone for it. It's a bit nerving. A bit exciting. A bit of a step for me. A big step forward.

It feels like I've Let Go. And that feels great to me. By letting go I have stepped out to the ledge. I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for me. What I will find out there. Maybe myself. I'm committed to giving it a shot. Giving myself a shot. Doing something that will take me closer to a picture of what I want my life to be- to look like-feel like. I think I will be there soon. And I hope I find whatever it is I am waiting for is waiting back for me, too.

Mondo Is Everywhere...

So, I guess I could take this week as a negative. But I really just don't want to. The job I hated is over. The people making my life hell are out of my life. And I can stop pretending that I give a shit about anything they say.... PHEW!

This week in Mondo Beyondo we learned about dismantling. And well, things came apart all right. And instead of me being scared and afraid and blah blah blah, I am going to be positive. Positive! For sure positive that this is all a good thing, that it is time for new- time for me. Time for something. So sure- Positive!

Mondo asks us to take leaps- to try the dream unknown. And I say I am in. I'm not the only one either. My lovely friend decided to take a chance- realize a Dream- and go all in. She has been an artist forever- and I should know I knew her when we were 4 years old. And I am so happy for her- she is realizing her Dream- Mondo Style! And here she is.... check it out and show some dreamer love if you can.... http://www.mzcaraher.com/

I want to take this moment to thank you Mondo- thank you Dreamers- thank you. Without you I may not be so positive, I'm positive about that. So.... Thank you.