It's Been a Year.

One year ago I decided to JUMP. I was in a place where I decided to make a life change- to get a life. A life I wanted to live, instead of the drudge I was living. I took a trip alone. A trip to a place looked at in dreams and through dark alleys. A place I wanted to go. I went.

A year ago I was here. It was pretty brave. I never say that about myself. But it was. I was. I went alone and decided to shake up my life. To move west. I rambled a bit about it here. That's alright, everone gets to ramble now and again.

To look at some of the pictures from that trip- I smile. I now have friends that live on those blocks. I live on one of them. 

A year ago I wandered around this town and wondered if I could live here. If I could live here happily. I thought I could. I remember the Farmers Market. The music. The people. The beautiful produce and flowers. The salad in bags with edible flowers. I fell in love. I dreamt of those flowers in vases on my table. A lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

Talk about a dream come true. I wondered what it would be like to shop there each week for groceries. To make dishes with that produce. Let me tell ya- it's wonderful. It's a lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

It has been a year. Exactly a year when I decided to do this. I can't believe it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like everything has. You could say the same about me. I will always be proud that I did this. That I took a fantasy and made it my reality. 

A year ago I stood right here and wished I lived here....

(photo taken a year ago)

I live on the other side of that peak-a-boo. Mondo Beyondo, indeed. 

Photo Friday

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

 

He Lives in My Shoulders

I began Yoga. I began again after years of healing from back surgery and the injuries incurred from my attack. I didn't think I would be able to do much. It has been years of being frozen. Both inside and outside of my body. The attack left me with physical injuries I will never shake. It left me with memories and flashes I never would wish on anyone. The worst of this, is that it comes to me when I try to take care of myself. Move my broken body. Melt away the frozen ice caps of flesh and try to heal from the inside out.

This morning, ironically enough in warrior II , he came creeping into my practice. He banged and pulled and beat on me, just had he had years ago. The fear and sadness flooded into me. I became overwhelmed and had a flash in my mind to run. But I didn't.

Years ago, I read that emotion lives in your body. That you hold fear, sadness, trauma, in your muscles, cells, and bones. I used to roll my eyes at these types of things. But I can feel him clearly in me- he lives in my shoulders. I can feel him dance around my cracked bones and tendons. Just as he had before. I can feel him pulling on my still- my heart, my hair, the me inside of me that speaks softly still.

This happened two years ago. Sometimes that feels very far away. Sometimes it feels like it never happened, or at least, that it didn't happen to me. Sometimes it feels like I am over it. That I have moved beyond it (as best as one can). That I have begun to take care for myself and heal and focus on getting well. And it is then in these moments that he comes back and reminds me that he still haunts me, still hurts me, still lives- apparently- in my shoulders.

365 x 2 + 1

Two years ago I was here. I lay right there in that spot. Beaten and assaulted by someone I never saw before. And never saw again since. I became someone else after that. Someone I am still trying to figure out.

Still, sometimes, I flash back. Flash back to the me I was before all of this. She was happy- getting somewhere- following a plan of some kind. The me of that night. She finally had some fun that night after years of pain, back surgery, and giving up her first pregnancy. The me of the attack. Screaming fighting clawing. The aftermath. The fear the anxiety the sleepless nights of smoking. The imprints his heels left on my thighs.

But now, it is two years later. And I am here. A place I dreamt of in my secret moments. A place that I felt would save me if I ever got there. And now I am here. Possibly closer to the person I dreamt of being and the man I always wanted to be with. That is of course, if I don't blow it by being me. The me that gets in my way. The way I snap. The way my emotions turn to sour milk. The way I become a stranger to myself- a stranger I don't care to know. Someone who is needy and wanting and clingy. Someone who pushes him away by pulling him too close. I got to work on that. 

I have spent the past two years coming out of a prison beaten into me by a stranger. A stranger who wanted nothing more than to rape and hurt me. A man who tore me up from the inside out. I have spent the past two years trying very hard to become some type of normal. To try to love myself in spite of myself, since that would be the only way for you to find then love me. I try very hard at all this. It at times can be quite exhausting, terrifying, freeing. Something.

Another year has gone by. And I find myself here. Here in this place. Here waiting for me, trying to find the me in me. Still waiting. Waiting for me-us. Me and You. Something.

Last Photo Friday of 2011 & Catch Up

So, 2011 has come to an end. I'm not happy or sad about it- because it has been a year of MAJOR change. Interestingly- my movement had little to do with my resolutions, and more to do with my Mondo. This year I dug down deep and made my dreams become my reality. Now, palm trees don't always make perfect- but they sure are lovely.

This year couldn't just go without one more 2 week romance, but hopefully he was the last. Hopefully. I'm grateful he showed his face- and his cards early. He reminded me that love is possible- even for me.

 

I hope that the New Year brings new adventure in this New place that I call home. I hope that my new job brings me joy. And that my special someone finally shows himself. 

I resolve to.... keep trying to see beauty in all things- even the things that break my heart. I resolve to begin to take better care of myself- inside and out. I resolve to LET GO- most of all- let go to all things that are not helpful to me. And hold on to all that is.

Happy New Year- and many more to come. 

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Photo Friday.

I have not been keeping up with this blog- that is you see because I have been keeping up with life. Which has left me little time to record it. Entry soon to come! The cliff notes... doing life Mondo Beyondo style..... MONDO. The above were taken in the last 3 days across the country from one another. Two from my old home garden in Brooklyn. Two from my new home garden in California. I like the beauty of each, how they are different, yet oh so very much the same. Maybe the sameness is me. I don't know, not sure, but I like it.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Goodbye Takes Me To Hello

Dear New Love,

I think I have not been quite fair to you, so not only do I need to apologize, but tell you that I'm ready now. I'm clear and cleared out my cob webs and I'm ready for you. I've said goodbye to all of them and I promise to never let them back. Never. 

I've decided that these boys have been taking up too much of my time and my life and my mind and they have left me no space for you to come in. And I am sorry to both of us for that. But I promise, I am ready for real love- our love. Ready.

This time in my life is about movement- not only across states, but a movement to something new. Something ours. And I am so ready for that. I'm excited really. Really really excited. 

It may seem crazy, but I can feel it in the air. Something exciting and fresh and new. Yes, I am a bit nervous, but I will take nervous over nothing. And it has been nothing for far too long now.

Dear new love, I'd like to tell you how fond I am of you already. That I am eager and ready to go. Go anywhere. Anywhere you want to go. I'll meet you in the middle- just meet me.

I'm here, door and heart and eyes wide open. Ready for you, for us, for it.

Jump. Pause. Wait.

I decided to JUMP. I decided to move forward. Move west. Move. Which is all just wonderful. Kind of surreal. But it is happening. I'm going. 

But not for another several weeks.

Which- leaves me here. In Limbo. In New York. In a very strange uncomfortable sad place. It's strange because I am in the middle of a big move- but I haven't gone anywhere. More of an issue- is I have nada to do while I'm waiting. I feel like a Bob Marley song- waiting in vain for your love. I am looking for part-time something, but the pay stinks and feels less worth it. So, limbo.

Deciding to move was not much of a decision at all. It's just something I have to do. I don't worry much about feeling lonely out there, because honestly, I feel lonely here. I walk around by myself a lot. Or with the pup. Going nowhere with no one. So I'm wishing and hoping that out there will be different. I really hope so. 

It's very strange to feel out of place in your home. To feel like you don't fit where you are from. So leaving it, doesn't break my heart. Now, all I have to do is wait out the time and do my last minute New York things. And then I'm off.

In my mind, I can see what my future looks like. In my mind, I can almost see the faces of my kids, my man. And it hurts to know that they are not here- they are somewhere else- waiting for me to bring them to life. Bring myself to life. Bring myself home.

Soon my loves, soon.

Free Falling

I've been a bit occupied lately. But occupied in a way I have never been before. Since the job I hated is no longer in my life, there is little holding me to New York City. Yes, I have wonderful friends here. I have family here. But I don't have what I want for my life here.

So, I am thinking- maybe I shouldn't be here.

I've been playing with my Mondo Beyondo Dreams. For many many many years, I have been yearning to move back west. I was there for a short while many years ago, but something about it always felt right. Felt like home. Felt like Me. 

Now, with very little money in my pocket, no job offer (yet), and knowing absolutely nobody in the town I am going to- I am off! Trying to live a Mondo Dream, but testing out for a week. 

I've never done anything like this before- just gone for it. It's a bit nerving. A bit exciting. A bit of a step for me. A big step forward.

It feels like I've Let Go. And that feels great to me. By letting go I have stepped out to the ledge. I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for me. What I will find out there. Maybe myself. I'm committed to giving it a shot. Giving myself a shot. Doing something that will take me closer to a picture of what I want my life to be- to look like-feel like. I think I will be there soon. And I hope I find whatever it is I am waiting for is waiting back for me, too.

Independent

It's July 5th, a day after the 4th, here in New York City. Firework Central for all far and wide. Large scale photos of Lady Liberty. Many grill Smells. And Much Much Much RED WHITE BLUE. It's kinda a lot. For me, I've always felt a bit out of step during this time of year. Feeling pressure to be something patriotic, maybe, but feeling this pressure to be SUPER FUN!! Best EVER! Totally Awesome!!! 

But, I'm kinda... whatever.

Summer is my favorite time of year. Not for school being off (I skipped it anyway), camp in session (I really was not a fan), or the 4th (see above). But for the sunshine. Winter, is not my thing. I honestly long for sun. I live for it, and cry when it goes away for many months on end. I made a promise to myself that last winter would be my last. And that promise may still be kept.

I'm thinking about Dreaming Mondo Big. Since my usual way of thinking doesn't seem to bring me any great results. I am thinking of throwing all the cards in the air, and just seeing what happens. During this Independence Week... How Independent can I get myself to be.... I wonder.

I continue to look for Messages from the Universe, and wonder.... Where are these Signs pointing me to? Who are they pointing me to? Are they pointing us to the same place, to find them one day together? I wonder.

Movement

It's the beginning of the New Year and I already feel a bit stuck. My body has been recovering from back surgery for almost one year now, and it is just now beginning to notice that it hasn't moved in three years. I feel the need to move, swing, MOVE. I just feel this great momentum in the past few days to get going. I had forgotten that feeling since all I have been feeling for the past years is mind numbing pain. Now my body, that had been tortured by nerve pain, morphine, and self-induced isolation, is beginning to break out of this shell. It wants to bend and stretch and jump. I had forgotten what that had felt like, to want to tone, strengthen and move instead of numb, curse and despise.

Personally, I have also been craving some movement. In perfect Bonita fashion, a ghost from Christmas past has been haunting me. Another boy from long ago creeping back in, doing all of the lame 8th grade boy moves I hated in the 8th grade. I am now 31 years old, and you want me to anticipate a text message? Seriously? I should get excited when you return a call? And totally expect it when you don't? Um,,,, no.

This year I made a resolution to get rid of my two week romances. And yes, skipper, this does mean you. I am completely sick of little boy games and those games making me feel like a chump for just trying to be open and kind. I simply refuse to let you change who I am, but can I change who I am... for the better? Can I move into a better head space and into a new pattern that better suits me? That, is quite difficult.

I began to quit smoking... again. And the best way I can equate this break up from these little romances is like trying to quit smoking. I know it is bad for me, I know it hurts me, I know it is ridiculous. But I still really like it. I crave it. And that is the hardest part to say out loud, let alone to myself. That I get something out of all of this. No, not the drama. But the rejection, that fucking sinking in my chest that I felt at three years old. The wanting to prove that I am worthy to someone who is not even worth while.

But I have got to MOVE. Maybe my body is speaking for my mind, maybe my mind is trying to tell my body something. Maybe I am now just 31 and have to get this life going where I want it to go. It is very difficult, not to get in touch with this person let alone go buy a pack of Camels, but I am doing my very best. It is day 4 without smoking, if I can keep my cigarette count as low as the no bullshit boy count, I think I am moving in the right direction indeed.