Sacred Places. Tender Hearts.

Writing for me comes in waves. It always has. Perhaps it always will. Life comes in waves. Happiness. Luck. Fear. Love. Ebb. Flow. Knowing this, it makes sense that writing follows suit and waves over me. This is one of the magic parts of life along with one of the curses. Blessed with inner dialogue cursed with sudden silence. This is one of the moments in my life when words wash over me. This is one of the moments I hold on and listen to the voice in my mind. The voice that whispers secrets of where I have been and where I crave to go in the future.

The waves lately come with new ideas and old feelings. Feelings of seeking and being found. Of being broken. Being healed. In these moments I find myself. Hidden on shelves tucked away under dust holding what I loved as a child. My chin, my cheek, my very true and simple belief in love. 

Seekers look around. Seekers look for one another. A seeker told me this once. I look to find him again. In this world or the next. I could really use his voice here. His Direction. Seeker- I'm seeking you out here. I only have one of your notes, one of your shoes, and a few prayer matches left from your time here on this planet. It isn't much to hang on to.

I have you here in my heart, here talking to me as I write. I see my fingers go as fast as they can to keep up with you. I could use some wisdom of yours in this heart of mine. Door wide open, heart shakey with anticipation. Next move, yours. My move- waiting. 

Sacred places on this planet seem abundant to many. But scarce for me. I look with want and wait and patience. I try to see the sacred moments through the shadows of the lucky. I grasp for what I know- seek when I am able. And love you more each day. I hope my life makes you proud. Maybe you can see some of the ways you molded me, even though I was just a child when you left. Even though I didn't recognize you the last time I told you standing. Even though I voted to turn off the machines. I hope you know that I love and miss you. Even if I didn't say it much when you were living. You should have heard it more from my voice. For this, I am eternally sorry.

It would be so wonderful to feel your hand on my shoulder. Just a little push in the direction that is right. Because I am walking in a circle of lefts. I'll keep my small box of things you touched close to my bed and hope I see you again in my dreams. I hope I hear your voice telling me I am doing alright. That I make you proud. Because I have nowhere to talk with you but here. Nowhere but here can I find you. And I miss you so terribly. Tell me what you think of this life of mine, please. Tell me I am still precious to you and that this heart and yours are still linked. Even where you are now- everywhere all at once. 

Come Out Come Out- Wherever You Are.

Hello from one of the most beautiful places on earth. Although- lately- it hasn't been beautiful. It has been cold and rainy and leaving me with great unease and anxiety. Or maybe I bring those things here. Which may mean I am ruining paradise. I may have to think on that one.

Life as of late has been chaotic to say the least. I have moved Home. A place I have dreamt of for as long as I can remember. A place I have never had before. I have lived places, slept places, have addresses, but never had anywhere feel close to where I should be. Home for me has been a place of terrible fear. Nail biting. A place of secrets. Lies. Pain. Pain that stings long after the belt. Pain that still swirls in my heart and makes my back clench. Pain that feels as strong now in this moment, just as it did when I had baby curls and a bedtime.

This has always been hard to explain. I guess I cover my scars well. I can paint over myself to look just right. To look beautiful. To look normal. I have been able to erase my history- on a skin level anyway. But the more I try to settle into my new home, the more unpacking I do emotionally. To say I am uncovering a whole new level of loss is to say the least. The more I unpack, the more I learn all that I do not have. All that I never had. All that was taken from me, robbed from me, and stolen. All that I needed. All that I still need now. And all that I have  wanted for what seems like my lifetime.

I find my patience getting shorter- for others, and most likely myself too. I pride myself on being a caring human being. Being someone to be trusted, relied on. A safe person to turn to- no matter the time. No matter anything at all. As I unpack and settle- I feel unsettled. I unpack alone yet again. Without any help. Without anyone. And this constant is driving me mad constantly. My tolerance for this is at an all time low. I now say things out loud to myself, to the Universe, to anyone who will listen, really. I could really use some help here- from someone able to do it. From someone who wants to do it. For someone who wants to do this with me.

Now, I know I may not be the easiest person. But I try very hard to not let my past screw up my present and future. I know there are others that are be easier, younger, prettier, simpler, what have you. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes. But I still think I am someone worth wanting. Someone worth saying things out loud to. Someone who wants to be here- not just in space and time. But here in my heart. Here in my life. 

I'm not afraid like I used to be. I used to be locked in a room. Beaten bloody and ruined. I used to be in a room bruised and battered and left alone. I used to be in a room staring at the cracks in my door from the bashing. I used to be in a room shaking and shattered. I used to be in a room buried in a corner rocking myself to be calm. I would watch my hands shake and feeling them freezing cold terrified to leave. I would feel this freeze on my fingertips and feel nothing else. Feel no heart beat. Feel no life. Feel no emotion. Feel nothing but the freezing digit pulse. This was my life for many years.

I would be in a hot bath stung failing at catching my breath and crying. I used to be in a room on the floor wondering if this is what it felt like to die. For my body to feel my soul leave it. For my heart to be so broken that I wished they had killed me, because at least then it would be over. I'm not afraid like I used to be. But I remember.

I say things out loud now- say them with complete fragility and wavering voice. To say things out loud isn't easy for me. But I have to say it. To have been locked away for so long, it makes me need to say things out loud. I just have to do it. But every time I get no response, every time I get dead air, every time I get nothing in return, I feel what I did before. I remember. 

Still, I have to do it. I have to take this life of mine and match it to the beauty around me. Take something for myself. Make myself into something. 

I didn't think that this move would unleash all that I thought was settled. Make me remember things I spent thousands of dollars killing with drugs and therapy. I didn't know it would all come rushing back to me. I didn't think it was still following me, still a part of me, something to be settled again. Vulnerability is a mother fucker. Seeing how others see me can be just as tricky. Seeing my life through the eyes of another can be beautiful. And it is this beauty that keeps me talking, keeps me praying, keeps me saying things out loud. Keeps me telling myself to settle again. Keeps me.

 

(Photo by http://thomas-rant.blogspot.com/)

Car 54 Where Are You?

I should begin with an apology. Well- maybe. I am sorry that I haven't been writing here- documenting my life- and thanking the Universe for every single thing. But, you see, I have been LIVING. Living in ways that I wished for many years ago. Years ago in a concrete jungle breathing in asphalt and kicking broken pieces of glass. Wishing and hoping I was here- right here- right where I am now.

Still, that is no excuse. I should take the time for me- time to reflect and see how far I have come in just a small length of time. Most don't believe me that I wasn't afraid to jump west- but it really is true. Honestly, I was more afraid to stay. Everyday there I felt life slipping through my fingers. Now, it is something I run towards. And so far- the run has been wonderful.

The run has taken me to beaches, to rivers, to redwoods, to places I dreamt of and cried over once awake. The run has taken me from concrete to soil. I am amazed by the bravery of the run. I honor the run and the little feet that kept moving, even when I felt I could not take another step. I'm amazed that the steps are my own- even though I knew they were mine always to take.

The next step? Settle into home. The next step is to enter my new home here. This takes place in mere days. Something that has taken me years to accomplish is very close at hand. My little hand, to be precise.

To my little feet, big heart, and to the wonderful Universe- thank you- thank you for this journey I call my life. For the good, the bad, the painful, the pleasureful, the all of it. Thank you for getting me here and moving me forward.

Dear Universe.......

I am not sure if it is right or proper to ask for things, but I do think it is alright to put things up to you for consideration. These are the things I need help with and would very much appreciate you helping me out with them. Just to be clear, dear Universe, please hurry in earth time- because I am just about at the end of my rope..... And, thank you my dear, dear Universe.

Please let me land a new job very soon where I am moving to soon. I'm antsy and could really use a great position that pays me to live and pays my soul.

Please bring me some love. Romantic love that is true and mine. 

Please bring me a sense of ease, this tension and anxiety has got me in knots. Please Universe, please make it easier and take it easy on me.

Please bring me a new set of friends quickly when I move. Friends that will take care of me and care for me, please.

Please bring me happiness that lasts more than a matter of days. Real happiness- long lasting.

I know that this may seem all about me- but really- it isn't. I would love to be good in the lives of others and promise to be so. But please, please dear Universe. I need some help now. I need you to be here with me and for me. Please dear Universe, please hurry my dear.

Slide

Dear Universe,

I have chosen to believe in you. I have chosen that my being comfortable with being uncomfortable is not the way to go. I've decided to have some faith, to Dream. Mondo Dream. Some days it is easy, some days it is very frightening.

Yes... I think my life is better off without going into an office everyday where people scheme to hurt me. I think it is better for me not to be lied about and betrayed. Yep... better. But still scary to be floating out here, not knowing where I will land. I feel like a bubble.

Yet still, I have had a word floating in my mind today. Something from Fight Club, believe it or not. I hear My Power Animal. I hear over and over again.... Slide. It scares me to slide.

My life has been a practice of power and control, a practice in trying to achieve balance. Which makes Sliding, well, tricky. But in this fear, in this moment of anxiety- I have to LET GO.

Believe. Dream. Slide.

Crazy Heart

Dear Universe,

Ah, you do it every time.... as Mondo is coming to a close, I feel I need it more than ever. Which may just be the point- I guess. I didn't do many lessons, but I will... promise.

My life... hmmm... well........ I try to see the positives in life, even if they turn out to be negatives. I still try to see the sunlight through the rain. Even though sometimes- I gotta squint. Take Rex for example, the man promised to another, who said the most amazing things I have ever heard before (directed to me that is). I just had to know... did ya mean it?

And yea- he said- he did. And left it there. Now, sure, I could get sad on it. But like I said before- I just don't wanna. I really do prefer to see the positive in it. And so it is- Mondo in action. He said he could not believe that nobody ever said such things to me before.... and he's right. He's right!  

Beyondo Mondo- he's right. 

The positive in this, if you dare to dream of positive, is that here is this person- saying very loudly that I am all of these wonderful things. And maybe that, just that, is the gift of him in my life. Someone walking in and saying- jeez- you never hear these things- who do you hang around with?!

Exactly friend- Exactly.

So thank you Universe, thank you for bringing this person into my world, for even a very short while. He's right- I need to hear these lovely things, from someone free to say them (to me).

All You Need Is Love.

With Valentines quickly approaching, I am feeling all the more single and all the more interested in changing that. I am slowly giving up my Two Week Romances. Maybe they are giving up me.

Another year goes by without my interest in anyone. It doesn't make me sad- just a bit antsy. And so, if you believe in wishes, if you believe in dreams, if you believe in love like I do- then I wish for this.

Instant Karma

My last few entries have troubled me. It is tough to admit that you may kinda like things that are bad for you. That you get a rush from it even. But it is true, and that is the point of my writing this. To have some Bravery.

I've had a slew of boys from Christmas past in my mind this week. Two in particular. Maybe it is because they are so much alike. Or maybe they both make me feel the same empty way. Probably a mixture of all of that really. One of them jumped back into my world this week completely at random. And I jumped too. The lameness of it all is even too much to get into, but let's say I fell back in a cat and mouse pattern of stupidity. 

The other has been skating around my brain for days. I heard a random song very closely associated with him twice this week- a never played barely known song. Twice. This is a person who very much took advantage of me. In a time of great sorrow and loss in my life, he used my hopelessness to his advantage. He used me in ways I thought impossible, then turned it all around on me in a perfectly crafted manner. It was quite a job he did. I'll never understand how you can know that the person in your arms is a victim and then go out of your way yo victimize them. My brain doesn't work that way I guess. 

Then there it was- his face in the newspaper. He had become a victim of violent crime. Just like me. His assault was not as vicious as mine, but it left him on the ground and bleeding. I immediately called him. And there he was. This person living in my mind as a bad memory on the other end of the phone. I told him that I read about what happened, and wanted to make sure he was alright. It was as natural to me as breathing. But I am not sure if that is so great. Do you treat people with kindness who have gone out of their way to hurt you? I just don't know.

The fact that he has been on my mind during the time of his attack is not lost on me. That it occurred a few blocks from my house, where my attack occurred also sat with me for a bit. What does that mean Universe? Is that a breathing Message? Am I beginning to unlock something of great importance or, am I locking myself into bad and dangerous habit? Do I hold the key to the answer? Or is something or someone else unlocking me?

Saying Wishes Out Loud.

Dear Universe,

You know what to do.