After The Darkness

It was hard to take my attack and see the positive in it. There was nothing positive about being assaulted and nothing positive from the head injury, the post traumatic stress, or the anxiety. The incident will never be a positive one.

What happened thereafter, however, has turned out to be.  Months of counseling and personal searching has lead me here. It has lead me to a place where I am really impressed with myself. I know it is out of fashion to ring one's bell, but damn it- this bell should ring. 

Directly after the attack, I returned to work and school- three days after. I went in with my arm in a sling and my head swirling, but I went. After the attack I managed to complete my second masters degree, complete a counseling internship, continue to work in the justice system (not easy to help offenders once you are a crime victim), and get the job a wanted- a mighty big job at that. 

After the attack I  went back to dating. Which is huge. Even in the middle of living life after a sexual assault, I was not closed off to the notion of love entering my life. In fact, I seek it out still daily.

I've never lost my friendships, in fact I gained and strengthened them. After the attack I found  dichotomy of people in my life. One side that loved and supported me, the other that dropped the ball and dropped out of my life. I will always be grateful for those who stuck with it and stuck by me. And it may sound odd, but I may be more grateful to the ones that did not. This group of people showed me that not everyone in my life should be there. And, if they don't value me, they can keep on moving.

Which brings me back to dating....

I've been out with someone a few times now. He's cute, we laugh a lot, and enjoy our time together. But it always seems to be me that does the asking, the getting in touch... the work. And that well, does not work for me. Now, he doesn't know my life story, he doesn't know what happened this summer- but that really doesn't matter. If he doesn't see that I am amazing, then he really isn't worth my time. I have learned that from this other group of people. I can take it negatively and personally, but in the end that just isn't true. What is true is that I am stellar- and if that sounds egotistical- then fine. But I am. I don't think enough people think that way.

Believe me- it is difficult. This addiction to unavailable men is harder to quit than cigarettes. But I am working on it.