Photo Friday

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

365 x 2 + 1

Two years ago I was here. I lay right there in that spot. Beaten and assaulted by someone I never saw before. And never saw again since. I became someone else after that. Someone I am still trying to figure out.

Still, sometimes, I flash back. Flash back to the me I was before all of this. She was happy- getting somewhere- following a plan of some kind. The me of that night. She finally had some fun that night after years of pain, back surgery, and giving up her first pregnancy. The me of the attack. Screaming fighting clawing. The aftermath. The fear the anxiety the sleepless nights of smoking. The imprints his heels left on my thighs.

But now, it is two years later. And I am here. A place I dreamt of in my secret moments. A place that I felt would save me if I ever got there. And now I am here. Possibly closer to the person I dreamt of being and the man I always wanted to be with. That is of course, if I don't blow it by being me. The me that gets in my way. The way I snap. The way my emotions turn to sour milk. The way I become a stranger to myself- a stranger I don't care to know. Someone who is needy and wanting and clingy. Someone who pushes him away by pulling him too close. I got to work on that. 

I have spent the past two years coming out of a prison beaten into me by a stranger. A stranger who wanted nothing more than to rape and hurt me. A man who tore me up from the inside out. I have spent the past two years trying very hard to become some type of normal. To try to love myself in spite of myself, since that would be the only way for you to find then love me. I try very hard at all this. It at times can be quite exhausting, terrifying, freeing. Something.

Another year has gone by. And I find myself here. Here in this place. Here waiting for me, trying to find the me in me. Still waiting. Waiting for me-us. Me and You. Something.

6,000 miles more till home

Oh my dear blog. Oh how I have thought of you and missed you. Oh, how busy I have been and how topsy turvy it has all been. Catch you up- last job over, new one beginning any moment (hooray!), last crush over, new crush- perhaps not a crush at all. Perhaps this is my opportunity to go from crushed to true love. Me thinks this one may be a keeper.

It's amazing how life can go. How you can keep tabs on people for years from a far. How you learn over a decade later that he always had eyes for you. How I try very hard to believe him when he says that. That is a toughy- a mighty toughy indeed.

I took a big jump when I moved out here. But I did it to take a step to my future. A future that I can see clearer on this side of the continent. A future that sometimes comes into focus when he is around me. And I like that, I like it a lot. I like the ease, the familiar feeling, the way I count down days until I see you again. The way you make me smile by just breathing.

But in the midst of falling- I had to fly. This past week I boarded a plane and headed east. To the concrete jungle where I am from. I had doubts in my mind. Knowing I would love to see my friends, but fearing I would hate the city just as I had when I left it. But that wasn't the case at all. I loved to be back there. And loved that I didn't live there anymore. It was a wonderful feeling. A feeling of familiar again, but without all of the hostility, anger, and fear I used to carry around while living there. The days became of high importance, and the people that filled those days were precious. I didn't realize just how much I would miss my friends. And this made me feel love in a way I had not yet felt. I even loved the city again. Something I wasn't sure would happen. But blessed that it did. Still, being there with them, I have to say- I missed you. I wished you could be around for them to meet you. Because you- you just sparkle.

Here is the test for me now. How do I go in easy? How do I ease into this? Not rush the wonderment? Not jump- just coast? How do I tell you this is meaningful without you freaking out? I don't know if that would freak you out. How do I tell you that I mean it? That I mean what I say and do around you? That this is meaningful to me. That I still get a little unsure and maybe feel a little awkward in our in between moments. How do I tell you that I don't care to be in between? That I just want to be in? That you make me happy- happy to be around you, happy to be here- just happy. Slow and steady. Slow and steady.

(Photo borrowed from : http://myonlinebestfriendsblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/just-to-make-you-smile.html#axzz1vGznplvZ)

Get Outta My Way.

Sorry, dear readers, if you thought the header is aggressive. It wasn't meant to be- well not to you, anyhow. That would be me talking to me. Talking to myself. Talking to my bad thoughts and habits. Talking to all the things I do and think about that just get in my way. Little nasty things called doubt and fear that parade themselves in fancy garbs and call themselves protection. But I'm on to you skippers- I know just what you are. Little booby traps that get me into big trouble. Lil Buggers.

I'm on to you bugs. I know your selfish desires to keep me all to yourselves. Stopping me from moving forward and being who I know I am already. Crafty Bastards really. But no- no. I'm going to stop listening to you. Stop looking for things that aren't there. Keeping me guessing- stressed and strained- over nada. Nope- no sir. No more of your crazy lil voices and pulls to my back muscles. End of line nutters.

Here's an Idea.... SMILE!

The more I look around- the world- the office- the blogo'sphere- the newsstand- the more i see frowns. Poor lil ol' me talk. Black clouds. No silver lining. Good grief. Would it kill you to smile? Be a bit thankful? Maybe pick your chin up a bit? Good grief people- enough poor me stuff. Just be a bit grateful- please!!!!!

I know life can get you down- but goodness grief now- take the bull by the horns and be happy for just a sweet lil moment. Sure, it can be easier to accept what is bad about you, look in the mirror and see the flaws instead of the perfection that is you. Easy sometimes to let life get you down. But it can go the other way too. If you let it- if you welcome it- if you accept it.

Life can be beautiful- if you open your eyes to see it. Listening and looking at negative is making me batty. Just LET GO!! Enjoy your life- you only have one of them. That is really all you need- if you do it right.

It isn't easy for me all of the time- I know my weak spots. Silence, for me can be deafening. In the silence I hear all of my fears- all of my doubts- all of it screaming out- when nothing has actually been said. I have to remember that not everything unsaid is silent. Not all that is unsaid is hidden, silent, kept away and shroud in secrecy. Unsaid can be a given- obvious- not needing words. Silence can be peaceful and honest. Try not to see the negative- see the beauty- the positive- don't become another sad drone babbling and blogging about nothing much. Be a shining star, be a guiding light. Be smiling.