Long Time Coming

Hello once again. It has been far too long and things have gotten a bit too far. I sometimes can't believe I live where I do. That I live where I dreamt of being so many years ago. I can't believe that I forgot the old adage- wherever you go- there you are. Well, here I am. Perhaps deeper in it.

Somehow I managed to land a gig that is so unreal, I wait for the bottom to drop. I hope it doesn't, I hope about that a lot.

I fell in love, only to have my heart ruined. This time, I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone. Not that I ever really did before. This latest just shows me I was right not to do so, and that breaks me even more.

This one, I thought he was the one I was waiting for. Really, he was just another one. This one though, this one, well- he broke me. Perhaps I had thought this was something I felt before. But, I never woke up from a nightmare calling for someone out loud before. This time I did. This time I know it is a deeper cut than any before him. Now I worry. I worry there will be none after him.

The year is ending and instead of looking to the future with bright eyes, I look with dread. What will this one do to me? Who will get to me this time? Why and how is it that this is what has come of me?

It is hard when you understand that the men who ruined you have run off with girls with beautiful lives. And these men just make their lives more beautiful. It's hard to understand that their lives are better than mine. They will know happiness I will never know, love I will never know. A life I know nothing of. I'm not quite sure why they decided to destroy me. Or why I let them. Why I didn't see it coming. Why this is how it is. But it is hard, has been hard. Has been something I didn't want to write about. Something I didn't want to document.

For some reason you still haunt me. Still taunt me. Still hate me.

I feel like crying a lot lately. I tear up sometimes. Then my chest sinks all over again. I'm fearful of the New Year. And that hasn't happened before. That scares me. So does more of this. This uphill battle with no end, no rope, no help, nothing but this in sight.

It's Been a Year.

One year ago I decided to JUMP. I was in a place where I decided to make a life change- to get a life. A life I wanted to live, instead of the drudge I was living. I took a trip alone. A trip to a place looked at in dreams and through dark alleys. A place I wanted to go. I went.

A year ago I was here. It was pretty brave. I never say that about myself. But it was. I was. I went alone and decided to shake up my life. To move west. I rambled a bit about it here. That's alright, everone gets to ramble now and again.

To look at some of the pictures from that trip- I smile. I now have friends that live on those blocks. I live on one of them. 

A year ago I wandered around this town and wondered if I could live here. If I could live here happily. I thought I could. I remember the Farmers Market. The music. The people. The beautiful produce and flowers. The salad in bags with edible flowers. I fell in love. I dreamt of those flowers in vases on my table. A lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

Talk about a dream come true. I wondered what it would be like to shop there each week for groceries. To make dishes with that produce. Let me tell ya- it's wonderful. It's a lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

It has been a year. Exactly a year when I decided to do this. I can't believe it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like everything has. You could say the same about me. I will always be proud that I did this. That I took a fantasy and made it my reality. 

A year ago I stood right here and wished I lived here....

(photo taken a year ago)

I live on the other side of that peak-a-boo. Mondo Beyondo, indeed. 

Catching my Breath with a Photo Friday

It has been a very busy week indeed- I will catch up here as soon as I have another busy weekend. I'm focused on enjoying my good fortune lately, the great people I am surrounded with, and the beauty around us all. It has been a good week- thank goodness.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

365 x 2 + 1

Two years ago I was here. I lay right there in that spot. Beaten and assaulted by someone I never saw before. And never saw again since. I became someone else after that. Someone I am still trying to figure out.

Still, sometimes, I flash back. Flash back to the me I was before all of this. She was happy- getting somewhere- following a plan of some kind. The me of that night. She finally had some fun that night after years of pain, back surgery, and giving up her first pregnancy. The me of the attack. Screaming fighting clawing. The aftermath. The fear the anxiety the sleepless nights of smoking. The imprints his heels left on my thighs.

But now, it is two years later. And I am here. A place I dreamt of in my secret moments. A place that I felt would save me if I ever got there. And now I am here. Possibly closer to the person I dreamt of being and the man I always wanted to be with. That is of course, if I don't blow it by being me. The me that gets in my way. The way I snap. The way my emotions turn to sour milk. The way I become a stranger to myself- a stranger I don't care to know. Someone who is needy and wanting and clingy. Someone who pushes him away by pulling him too close. I got to work on that. 

I have spent the past two years coming out of a prison beaten into me by a stranger. A stranger who wanted nothing more than to rape and hurt me. A man who tore me up from the inside out. I have spent the past two years trying very hard to become some type of normal. To try to love myself in spite of myself, since that would be the only way for you to find then love me. I try very hard at all this. It at times can be quite exhausting, terrifying, freeing. Something.

Another year has gone by. And I find myself here. Here in this place. Here waiting for me, trying to find the me in me. Still waiting. Waiting for me-us. Me and You. Something.

Antsy

I am beginning to climb the walls. I'm bored but busy. I'm interested and not interested all at once. I'm excited and furious in this moment. I'm getting all and nothing that I want. I'm love and hate combined.

I just want it to come together in an easy way- no drama. No problems. Just easy. And damn it- that just isn't happening. I don't want to be understanding. I don't want to understand anything but things falling in place- right now. I want to be the priority, especially when I ask for so little.

And my anniversary is coming up too- did I mention that? Next week it will be two years since it happened. Two years ago I was alright. I was in school. I was living where I wanted to be (at the time). I was back together with a man I wanted to be with. I was just starting to recover from surgery. I thought I got my life back- but really, it was all taken away. After the attack- I lost her. My old self.

And now, now I am someone else. 

Now I am someone who doesn't play around. Someone who knows her worth. Who won't put up with second best. My attacker beat my old life out of me. Which, I chose to look at in a positive light- even though I would prefer to have learned my lessons another way.

Still, they are learned. I learned to expect more, and deal with less. I learned I am strong and worth wanting. I learned that I am rare. I learned that I still have some fight in me yet. I learned that I know what I want and how I want it. Now, I just have to figure out how to say it out loud and make it known that I need to hear these things - out loud- from you.

Get Outta My Way.

Sorry, dear readers, if you thought the header is aggressive. It wasn't meant to be- well not to you, anyhow. That would be me talking to me. Talking to myself. Talking to my bad thoughts and habits. Talking to all the things I do and think about that just get in my way. Little nasty things called doubt and fear that parade themselves in fancy garbs and call themselves protection. But I'm on to you skippers- I know just what you are. Little booby traps that get me into big trouble. Lil Buggers.

I'm on to you bugs. I know your selfish desires to keep me all to yourselves. Stopping me from moving forward and being who I know I am already. Crafty Bastards really. But no- no. I'm going to stop listening to you. Stop looking for things that aren't there. Keeping me guessing- stressed and strained- over nada. Nope- no sir. No more of your crazy lil voices and pulls to my back muscles. End of line nutters.

Here's an Idea.... SMILE!

The more I look around- the world- the office- the blogo'sphere- the newsstand- the more i see frowns. Poor lil ol' me talk. Black clouds. No silver lining. Good grief. Would it kill you to smile? Be a bit thankful? Maybe pick your chin up a bit? Good grief people- enough poor me stuff. Just be a bit grateful- please!!!!!

I know life can get you down- but goodness grief now- take the bull by the horns and be happy for just a sweet lil moment. Sure, it can be easier to accept what is bad about you, look in the mirror and see the flaws instead of the perfection that is you. Easy sometimes to let life get you down. But it can go the other way too. If you let it- if you welcome it- if you accept it.

Life can be beautiful- if you open your eyes to see it. Listening and looking at negative is making me batty. Just LET GO!! Enjoy your life- you only have one of them. That is really all you need- if you do it right.

It isn't easy for me all of the time- I know my weak spots. Silence, for me can be deafening. In the silence I hear all of my fears- all of my doubts- all of it screaming out- when nothing has actually been said. I have to remember that not everything unsaid is silent. Not all that is unsaid is hidden, silent, kept away and shroud in secrecy. Unsaid can be a given- obvious- not needing words. Silence can be peaceful and honest. Try not to see the negative- see the beauty- the positive- don't become another sad drone babbling and blogging about nothing much. Be a shining star, be a guiding light. Be smiling.

Sacred Places. Tender Hearts.

Writing for me comes in waves. It always has. Perhaps it always will. Life comes in waves. Happiness. Luck. Fear. Love. Ebb. Flow. Knowing this, it makes sense that writing follows suit and waves over me. This is one of the magic parts of life along with one of the curses. Blessed with inner dialogue cursed with sudden silence. This is one of the moments in my life when words wash over me. This is one of the moments I hold on and listen to the voice in my mind. The voice that whispers secrets of where I have been and where I crave to go in the future.

The waves lately come with new ideas and old feelings. Feelings of seeking and being found. Of being broken. Being healed. In these moments I find myself. Hidden on shelves tucked away under dust holding what I loved as a child. My chin, my cheek, my very true and simple belief in love. 

Seekers look around. Seekers look for one another. A seeker told me this once. I look to find him again. In this world or the next. I could really use his voice here. His Direction. Seeker- I'm seeking you out here. I only have one of your notes, one of your shoes, and a few prayer matches left from your time here on this planet. It isn't much to hang on to.

I have you here in my heart, here talking to me as I write. I see my fingers go as fast as they can to keep up with you. I could use some wisdom of yours in this heart of mine. Door wide open, heart shakey with anticipation. Next move, yours. My move- waiting. 

Sacred places on this planet seem abundant to many. But scarce for me. I look with want and wait and patience. I try to see the sacred moments through the shadows of the lucky. I grasp for what I know- seek when I am able. And love you more each day. I hope my life makes you proud. Maybe you can see some of the ways you molded me, even though I was just a child when you left. Even though I didn't recognize you the last time I told you standing. Even though I voted to turn off the machines. I hope you know that I love and miss you. Even if I didn't say it much when you were living. You should have heard it more from my voice. For this, I am eternally sorry.

It would be so wonderful to feel your hand on my shoulder. Just a little push in the direction that is right. Because I am walking in a circle of lefts. I'll keep my small box of things you touched close to my bed and hope I see you again in my dreams. I hope I hear your voice telling me I am doing alright. That I make you proud. Because I have nowhere to talk with you but here. Nowhere but here can I find you. And I miss you so terribly. Tell me what you think of this life of mine, please. Tell me I am still precious to you and that this heart and yours are still linked. Even where you are now- everywhere all at once. 

I Give.

Alright. I am right on the brink of either jumping all in or jumping back fully. I'm right there in the moment of either way. And now, it depends on the breeze, the sun, the feeling in my gut, just which way I go. I'm right on the brink, I can see it.

I've been here before. I know what they look like now. And I know how to handle them. I refuse. I refuse to let my heart get into knots again. I just won't do it. For my lifetime I have had nobody but me to protect me. But in this life area I have been weak. Weak in the knees. Weak in my mind. Weak willed. But that was before.

So alright, I give in. I'll give up again on waiting to be asked, approached, acknowledged. Sure, I give in- this one more time. I'll tell you that I think you are amazing. That you are special in ways I didn't know existed. That no matter what you say- I see being amazing comes easy to you. It's as easy as breathing for you. Which is just so troubling. Because you don't seem to let yourself know that I see it. I see you. But me- I remain unseen.

Knowing a bit of my crust doesn't seem to matter. It doesn't seem to make you say anything. Make you say anything about or to me. It's incredibly aggravating. And hurts my feelings more that I can say. I feel as if I have to go out on ledges alone here- without any indication how close I am to the fall. I get your need for pace. I get your need for peace. I do my best to give you all that you need. But I am alone in this process. Even though I do my best for you. Give you support, heart, strength. I do not do what is best for me. I live on thin lines skating. Slipping back to what I know. Being unsure, unprotected, unaware of how close I am to falling without being caught.

So fine- I give. I will tell you again- tell you in writing. Tell you where you stand right now. I don't know what the future holds, where it will take us, or if we will know one another a year from this moment. I don't know. What I do know is that I connect to you, and that is rare in life, let alone my life, as you know. So fine- it isn't easy for me. And yes- it scares the hell out of me. And no- it doesn't make much sense. But here it is. Here we are. Here I am. Now, where are you?

Come Out Come Out- Wherever You Are.

Hello from one of the most beautiful places on earth. Although- lately- it hasn't been beautiful. It has been cold and rainy and leaving me with great unease and anxiety. Or maybe I bring those things here. Which may mean I am ruining paradise. I may have to think on that one.

Life as of late has been chaotic to say the least. I have moved Home. A place I have dreamt of for as long as I can remember. A place I have never had before. I have lived places, slept places, have addresses, but never had anywhere feel close to where I should be. Home for me has been a place of terrible fear. Nail biting. A place of secrets. Lies. Pain. Pain that stings long after the belt. Pain that still swirls in my heart and makes my back clench. Pain that feels as strong now in this moment, just as it did when I had baby curls and a bedtime.

This has always been hard to explain. I guess I cover my scars well. I can paint over myself to look just right. To look beautiful. To look normal. I have been able to erase my history- on a skin level anyway. But the more I try to settle into my new home, the more unpacking I do emotionally. To say I am uncovering a whole new level of loss is to say the least. The more I unpack, the more I learn all that I do not have. All that I never had. All that was taken from me, robbed from me, and stolen. All that I needed. All that I still need now. And all that I have  wanted for what seems like my lifetime.

I find my patience getting shorter- for others, and most likely myself too. I pride myself on being a caring human being. Being someone to be trusted, relied on. A safe person to turn to- no matter the time. No matter anything at all. As I unpack and settle- I feel unsettled. I unpack alone yet again. Without any help. Without anyone. And this constant is driving me mad constantly. My tolerance for this is at an all time low. I now say things out loud to myself, to the Universe, to anyone who will listen, really. I could really use some help here- from someone able to do it. From someone who wants to do it. For someone who wants to do this with me.

Now, I know I may not be the easiest person. But I try very hard to not let my past screw up my present and future. I know there are others that are be easier, younger, prettier, simpler, what have you. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes. But I still think I am someone worth wanting. Someone worth saying things out loud to. Someone who wants to be here- not just in space and time. But here in my heart. Here in my life. 

I'm not afraid like I used to be. I used to be locked in a room. Beaten bloody and ruined. I used to be in a room bruised and battered and left alone. I used to be in a room staring at the cracks in my door from the bashing. I used to be in a room shaking and shattered. I used to be in a room buried in a corner rocking myself to be calm. I would watch my hands shake and feeling them freezing cold terrified to leave. I would feel this freeze on my fingertips and feel nothing else. Feel no heart beat. Feel no life. Feel no emotion. Feel nothing but the freezing digit pulse. This was my life for many years.

I would be in a hot bath stung failing at catching my breath and crying. I used to be in a room on the floor wondering if this is what it felt like to die. For my body to feel my soul leave it. For my heart to be so broken that I wished they had killed me, because at least then it would be over. I'm not afraid like I used to be. But I remember.

I say things out loud now- say them with complete fragility and wavering voice. To say things out loud isn't easy for me. But I have to say it. To have been locked away for so long, it makes me need to say things out loud. I just have to do it. But every time I get no response, every time I get dead air, every time I get nothing in return, I feel what I did before. I remember. 

Still, I have to do it. I have to take this life of mine and match it to the beauty around me. Take something for myself. Make myself into something. 

I didn't think that this move would unleash all that I thought was settled. Make me remember things I spent thousands of dollars killing with drugs and therapy. I didn't know it would all come rushing back to me. I didn't think it was still following me, still a part of me, something to be settled again. Vulnerability is a mother fucker. Seeing how others see me can be just as tricky. Seeing my life through the eyes of another can be beautiful. And it is this beauty that keeps me talking, keeps me praying, keeps me saying things out loud. Keeps me telling myself to settle again. Keeps me.

 

(Photo by http://thomas-rant.blogspot.com/)

Dear Universe.......

I am not sure if it is right or proper to ask for things, but I do think it is alright to put things up to you for consideration. These are the things I need help with and would very much appreciate you helping me out with them. Just to be clear, dear Universe, please hurry in earth time- because I am just about at the end of my rope..... And, thank you my dear, dear Universe.

Please let me land a new job very soon where I am moving to soon. I'm antsy and could really use a great position that pays me to live and pays my soul.

Please bring me some love. Romantic love that is true and mine. 

Please bring me a sense of ease, this tension and anxiety has got me in knots. Please Universe, please make it easier and take it easy on me.

Please bring me a new set of friends quickly when I move. Friends that will take care of me and care for me, please.

Please bring me happiness that lasts more than a matter of days. Real happiness- long lasting.

I know that this may seem all about me- but really- it isn't. I would love to be good in the lives of others and promise to be so. But please, please dear Universe. I need some help now. I need you to be here with me and for me. Please dear Universe, please hurry my dear.

Jump. Pause. Wait.

I decided to JUMP. I decided to move forward. Move west. Move. Which is all just wonderful. Kind of surreal. But it is happening. I'm going. 

But not for another several weeks.

Which- leaves me here. In Limbo. In New York. In a very strange uncomfortable sad place. It's strange because I am in the middle of a big move- but I haven't gone anywhere. More of an issue- is I have nada to do while I'm waiting. I feel like a Bob Marley song- waiting in vain for your love. I am looking for part-time something, but the pay stinks and feels less worth it. So, limbo.

Deciding to move was not much of a decision at all. It's just something I have to do. I don't worry much about feeling lonely out there, because honestly, I feel lonely here. I walk around by myself a lot. Or with the pup. Going nowhere with no one. So I'm wishing and hoping that out there will be different. I really hope so. 

It's very strange to feel out of place in your home. To feel like you don't fit where you are from. So leaving it, doesn't break my heart. Now, all I have to do is wait out the time and do my last minute New York things. And then I'm off.

In my mind, I can see what my future looks like. In my mind, I can almost see the faces of my kids, my man. And it hurts to know that they are not here- they are somewhere else- waiting for me to bring them to life. Bring myself to life. Bring myself home.

Soon my loves, soon.

Nor Cal

I decided to take a leap. A jump. A test run into Northern California. A Mondo Beyondo Dream come to life. My life, to be exact. For quite some time I have been playing with the idea of moving to Northern California. And it would be swell if one of my east coast buddies would come with me. But alas, that does not seem to be the case. So- off I went- all by myself- into the great west.


I love the west. Love the way it looks, love the way it feels on my skin. Love the way my broken body mends faster here. I love the way people dress like me- and act like me too. It confirms that I don't belong in New York City. Which makes me a bit sad- that my hometown is not my home. Never felt like home. Never, really.


So- I took a big leap- and went on this trip on my own. And it wasn't scary or sad- it is great. It is wonderful. And exciting and beautiful. First- for a few days I lollied around Santa Cruz. Met with some lovely people I would love to work with. And did a bunch of looking. Lucky lucky me- I got to see this every day....

Admittedly, I got a little teary eyed when I had to go. But I know I will be back soon. I know that. And- I get to see some long ago friends in San Francisco. Which has been super. Now- they are trying to pull me into their section of the Bay Area. Ah- who knows. It's nice to be wanted- I'll tell ya that for sure.


In the past week- I have had three people call me brave. I've never considered myself brave, but looking back on it all- I guess I am. Nice! Doing this trip on my own- meeting up with people I never met before- thinking about making a big move away all on my own. Yea- brave I guess. But, the way I see it, there is no other way for me right now. New York hasn't given me what I need. So, I gotta go somewhere else. Somewhere new. And like everything else in my life thus far, I gotta do it on my own. Which doesn't register to me as brave at first, it's just the way it has been for me. Maybe I need a new way to see myself. See myself as brave, as opposed to being on my own. 


But, I'm not on my own. I have friends where I am right now. And friends to be made. Now all I have to do is look around and decide when to take the bigger leap and stay longer than a week. Take a big leap and trust that I know I am in good hands, in good company, and finally in a good place.

Hoops

The past few days have greeted me with a lot of garbage. A lot of bureaucracy. A lot of HOOPS. Jump here. Do this. Bend this way. Accommodate us. Screw You!

Phew... that feels better to get that out. Thank You.

It seems that my positivity has been tested lately. Even thought I know things have ended up (long run speaking) for the better- the short term has been getting me down. Mainly because nothing has been on my terms. I always bend to others, even when it doesn't work well for me. And yet, I still end up in this stagnant angry angry angry place making me want to scream: I don't deserve this! What have I ever done to you!

But, as I remind myself more and more these days:

Even though every day may not be Rosy, every day is still a day in my life. I'm reminded that my life is what I make of it. I hope it to be something beautiful, peaceful, and proud to be mine.

Independent

It's July 5th, a day after the 4th, here in New York City. Firework Central for all far and wide. Large scale photos of Lady Liberty. Many grill Smells. And Much Much Much RED WHITE BLUE. It's kinda a lot. For me, I've always felt a bit out of step during this time of year. Feeling pressure to be something patriotic, maybe, but feeling this pressure to be SUPER FUN!! Best EVER! Totally Awesome!!! 

But, I'm kinda... whatever.

Summer is my favorite time of year. Not for school being off (I skipped it anyway), camp in session (I really was not a fan), or the 4th (see above). But for the sunshine. Winter, is not my thing. I honestly long for sun. I live for it, and cry when it goes away for many months on end. I made a promise to myself that last winter would be my last. And that promise may still be kept.

I'm thinking about Dreaming Mondo Big. Since my usual way of thinking doesn't seem to bring me any great results. I am thinking of throwing all the cards in the air, and just seeing what happens. During this Independence Week... How Independent can I get myself to be.... I wonder.

I continue to look for Messages from the Universe, and wonder.... Where are these Signs pointing me to? Who are they pointing me to? Are they pointing us to the same place, to find them one day together? I wonder.

Rise

My Sister just sent me the link to Oneword.com. Which was quite needed since I have so much to say that my words and memores and ideas get lost in one big ramble. Then it goes to nothing- gets lost, gets swept under something heavy. So one word gave me a word much needed.

As I feel the world come on my shoulders and my world come crumbling down again- I get the word:

RISE

Need to have some inspiration and a little jult to get you there....?
Hit up Oneword.com,
Or you can read my rise here: Bonalita Rise