Stollen, Once Again.

"Live by the moment; after all, life is a series of moments." -- Trent Woodard

This quote has become my life, unfortunately. I have lived inside many years of darkness with very few days of light that can be counted. Most of this life has been a battle, a heart breaking uphill battle, with few points of love. Few points of mercy. Few moments of happiness in my life only to be ripped back and stolen from me. Always with the words- you don't deserve this- but they do it all to me anyway. 

I don't care to have a series of moments. I am seeking for consistency, continuity, stability. I don't know these things in my life. But I know it exists in the lives of others. I've seen it. I know it is real. And now, now I am terrified that it won't happen for me. I'm simply terrified. 

Just a few weeks ago another man entered my life. Well, re-entered. He and I knew one another many years ago. When I was young, beautiful, blonde, and still hopeful. Seeing him again made me feel hopeful once more. He got me thinking about fate. How we found one another 3,000 miles away from home in a town where we had no real roots, but one another. He made me think that perhaps the reason I have been alone for so long was because we had to wait for one another. We had to become the people we are now in the place we are now. Thinking that way made the years of loneliness almost alright by me. Because we were here. I was alright, and maybe, that time was over. I was mistaken.

He was just another.  I was blinded. I was stupidly trusting, even though nothing in my history says I should have been . I thought this was different. I was different. This was different. I was mistaken.

Tuesday was the two year anniversary of my attack. I told him I didn't want to be alone that night. Instead, I wanted to feel appreciated, safe, happy. He said he would be there and make all of that happen. And he did. Until he didn't. He just had to tell me that very evening that he 'wasn't sure' that he wanted to do this. Wasn't sure that he could do this. This- on the evening when I asked to feel special, wanted, and safe. I couldn't even get my wish granted before midnight. I couldn't get it, even though I know this exists every day in the lives of others.

This is my heartbreak. Again.

Just a few days ago I wrote about him. That he made me smile by doing nothing. And now, he makes me cry by doing the same. I have had my life dangled in front of me. Then he snatched it all back away. This from someone who told my mother I was special. This from someone who told me his favorite baby names. This from someone who said he sleeps better next to me. This from someone I have done nothing but try to be a good person for and with. 

I just wish I could say that I did something terrible. Slept with his brother or got him fired. Spent all his money and lost his dog. But, no. I have never and would never do something to hurt him. All I would want for him is happiness. All I want for me is that too.

But now, in this moment I feel as I have my entire life time. Frozen. Broken. Dead Inside. Crying. I got a close glimpse when he was around. I could almost see my future, the way I wish it would turn out. And having this person pull back and run, it left a dent in a place I didn't know existed. The pain and sadness is something I just can't explain. It would have been better if he had just left me alone. Left me to my loneliness. I didn't need the love me love me not game. I didn't need the reminder. I didn't need any of them, really. It would be better if they would have left me alone because this heartbreak will last longer than our two week romance.

Photo Friday

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

6,000 miles more till home

Oh my dear blog. Oh how I have thought of you and missed you. Oh, how busy I have been and how topsy turvy it has all been. Catch you up- last job over, new one beginning any moment (hooray!), last crush over, new crush- perhaps not a crush at all. Perhaps this is my opportunity to go from crushed to true love. Me thinks this one may be a keeper.

It's amazing how life can go. How you can keep tabs on people for years from a far. How you learn over a decade later that he always had eyes for you. How I try very hard to believe him when he says that. That is a toughy- a mighty toughy indeed.

I took a big jump when I moved out here. But I did it to take a step to my future. A future that I can see clearer on this side of the continent. A future that sometimes comes into focus when he is around me. And I like that, I like it a lot. I like the ease, the familiar feeling, the way I count down days until I see you again. The way you make me smile by just breathing.

But in the midst of falling- I had to fly. This past week I boarded a plane and headed east. To the concrete jungle where I am from. I had doubts in my mind. Knowing I would love to see my friends, but fearing I would hate the city just as I had when I left it. But that wasn't the case at all. I loved to be back there. And loved that I didn't live there anymore. It was a wonderful feeling. A feeling of familiar again, but without all of the hostility, anger, and fear I used to carry around while living there. The days became of high importance, and the people that filled those days were precious. I didn't realize just how much I would miss my friends. And this made me feel love in a way I had not yet felt. I even loved the city again. Something I wasn't sure would happen. But blessed that it did. Still, being there with them, I have to say- I missed you. I wished you could be around for them to meet you. Because you- you just sparkle.

Here is the test for me now. How do I go in easy? How do I ease into this? Not rush the wonderment? Not jump- just coast? How do I tell you this is meaningful without you freaking out? I don't know if that would freak you out. How do I tell you that I mean it? That I mean what I say and do around you? That this is meaningful to me. That I still get a little unsure and maybe feel a little awkward in our in between moments. How do I tell you that I don't care to be in between? That I just want to be in? That you make me happy- happy to be around you, happy to be here- just happy. Slow and steady. Slow and steady.

(Photo borrowed from : http://myonlinebestfriendsblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/just-to-make-you-smile.html#axzz1vGznplvZ)

Goodbye Takes Me To Hello

Dear New Love,

I think I have not been quite fair to you, so not only do I need to apologize, but tell you that I'm ready now. I'm clear and cleared out my cob webs and I'm ready for you. I've said goodbye to all of them and I promise to never let them back. Never. 

I've decided that these boys have been taking up too much of my time and my life and my mind and they have left me no space for you to come in. And I am sorry to both of us for that. But I promise, I am ready for real love- our love. Ready.

This time in my life is about movement- not only across states, but a movement to something new. Something ours. And I am so ready for that. I'm excited really. Really really excited. 

It may seem crazy, but I can feel it in the air. Something exciting and fresh and new. Yes, I am a bit nervous, but I will take nervous over nothing. And it has been nothing for far too long now.

Dear new love, I'd like to tell you how fond I am of you already. That I am eager and ready to go. Go anywhere. Anywhere you want to go. I'll meet you in the middle- just meet me.

I'm here, door and heart and eyes wide open. Ready for you, for us, for it.

Dear Old Love.....

No matter how many years have past, and it has been years, I see you and it is the same. The same excitement. The same smile. The same old feeling. 

Nobody smiles at me like you. Nobody talks to me like you. Nobody looks at me like you, when you think I am not looking. But I am. Looking.

There are some things that I would love to say to you, some things I long for you to hear. Some things that I think you haven't heard for years. Probably the last time you heard from me. And probably, never in the way I feel I need to say it now. With urgency, with kindness, with love.

I'm going back and forth, forth and back, and back once again wondering. Do I say these things? Do I tell you all I feel I need to share? Would it save you in saving yourself? Or would it make it worse? Make you feel worse than I see that you feel? Because I can tell. I can still feel it, even when you swear that you don't. But that's alright. 


I understand why you shut it down, shut me down, shut yourself out. I understand why you say what you say and why you say it. And so I understand, it doesn't hurt me in the way you think that it would. It hurts somewhere else. Somewhere new. Something else. This is something else all together. And now, I'm thinking about what to do next. Because to do nothing, just may be the greatest harm of all.

There are some things that I can not believe you still do not hear. Still can not believe you have silenced the voice in your head that screams for life. That you have turned down your chin and your outlook. Have shut it all down and perhaps given up. But I can't give up on you. I won't, even if it hurts me in the end. 

My dear old love. I need to talk with you. Need to tell you some very important things. Because life is short and small and I think I am leaving. I have to tell you because I owe you, even though I know you have no idea that I am in forever in your debt. But I am.

Dear love, you were the one who took away my shame. Who showed me that the shame was not mine, that it belonged to someone else. You showed me that even though I had been used and broken as a child, that you saw me as me. As a together person worthy of love, your love. Our love. And for that, my dear old love, I will love you forever. For loving me with the purest heart I have ever known, for giving me the gift of knowing that I could love and be loved, I owe you forever. I will eternally remember how it felt to walk in your love, sleep in your arms, and hear your key unlock my door. I will always remember your beauty. I will always remember how you cherished mine. So you see old love, for all of this and a lifetime of gratitude more, I owe you the truth. I owe you moons and planets and shooting stars. So, please, please accept these words into your lovely heart. Please hear me in your soul and know, please know my dear old love, that this is all true. All true.


You are wonderful. You are wonderment. You are amazing.

Dear old love, you are stunning and beautiful. Your beauty can be blinding. Your laughter makes me smile, long after the joke is over. You are kind and gentle and tender and special. After all these years, you still make me feel safe in your arms. So safe that my eyes water. 

I want you to know that you can be anything, because you are everything. You are the sweetest man I have met, even when you try to be cold. My dear old love I need to tell you something. Need to tell you that life is short and happiness is not guaranteed. But you know that. But I need to tell you that happiness is possible. Yes, dear old love, possible and waiting- quietly waiting- for you. 

Please dear old love, please live your life in the sunlight. Please love the life that you live. Please love, do it quickly. Because time slips away and eats away at you. Please live it before it's over, or that you wish it were. 


You see old love, you are rare. Rarer than you can imagine. Which is why, you see, you feel the way you do. In between, one way or the other, any way it goes. Not everyone is like you, which is why you may be feeling alone. Dear old love I owe you more than these words, owe you more than an apology for taking so long to say all this- especially since even now- I have yet to say it to your face. 

You see old love, I fear these words may not meet you kindly. Not meet you in the way which they are intended. Please old love, please know I mean you no harm. I mean you no judgment or negativity. No ill will. I mean for these words to provide you with comfort, with heart, with old love. Love old and wise and aged with years of knowing you. Love created during one a.m talks and early morning emails from years and years ago. Dear love, my dear old love, know that I see you- still see you after all of these years and wish and want and pray for your happiness, perhaps more than my own. My dear old love, I love you in ways not known to me then, in ways that I hope reach you in the night and whisper to your silenced mind's voice- whispering that you can, you should, you are able, to take your life and live it for your own. To spread your love far and wide enough to meet you back around again to loving yourself. 

Dear old love, please hear my whisper and follow your beautiful heart. Follow your heart and find yourself. Find your beauty, find what you are looking for. And try to look for me along the way. I'll be there, somewhere deep in the back. With water filled eyes proud- proud to see you become who you know you are.

Dear old love I owe you more than these writings, more than a visit, more than a reminder of someone out there loving who you are. I owe you more because of moments like these and because of you loving me in ways I had wished for and continue to wish for, because old love you have shown me- it is all possible.  

Crazy Heart

Dear Universe,

Ah, you do it every time.... as Mondo is coming to a close, I feel I need it more than ever. Which may just be the point- I guess. I didn't do many lessons, but I will... promise.

My life... hmmm... well........ I try to see the positives in life, even if they turn out to be negatives. I still try to see the sunlight through the rain. Even though sometimes- I gotta squint. Take Rex for example, the man promised to another, who said the most amazing things I have ever heard before (directed to me that is). I just had to know... did ya mean it?

And yea- he said- he did. And left it there. Now, sure, I could get sad on it. But like I said before- I just don't wanna. I really do prefer to see the positive in it. And so it is- Mondo in action. He said he could not believe that nobody ever said such things to me before.... and he's right. He's right!  

Beyondo Mondo- he's right. 

The positive in this, if you dare to dream of positive, is that here is this person- saying very loudly that I am all of these wonderful things. And maybe that, just that, is the gift of him in my life. Someone walking in and saying- jeez- you never hear these things- who do you hang around with?!

Exactly friend- Exactly.

So thank you Universe, thank you for bringing this person into my world, for even a very short while. He's right- I need to hear these lovely things, from someone free to say them (to me).

Gut Check

Ever since this happened this week, my mind has been a spin. My original reaction to the whole thing was goodbye to you- just to get out of it and avoid all drama. Just run. Run away that is. I felt a lot of loyalty to a person I do not know, putting her happiness and security and life ahead of mine. I bowed out. Cried alone and lonely, missing something I never had. Something and someone that was and is hers.

And now I just don't know. Here's why.... I have a theory. Do you remember the movie 'Can't Hardly Wait'? I know- random... But my theory is everyone in your life is someone in that movie. Me? I'm her. No, I am not a stripper. I'm someone with the random teen crushes and someone who believes very deeply in what she says: Fate. There is fate. But it only takes you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen. 

And now we are here.  Is this my fate? Is it right in front of me? Is this love? Or, is this just drama and trouble? Is this just an illusion?

 I just don't know anymore. I want to know if he meant what he said. Or if he was just living some fantasy. I need to know what to do with this. And I just don't know the answer. Do I go after it, or respect the situation..... Anyone?

Its Just The Same Old Song

I am in a bad spot. A few bad spots really. I'm at a point in my life where it is all falling down, again. And it seems no matter how I try to treat people with kindness and no matter how I try to see beauty
in every day life- I am assumed to be this. And now, it has taken a step further.

If you know me, you know I am someone searching for real love. True and Pure love. I love love. But I am not so sure if love loves me. I've been told in the past that certain boys loved me- but they never loved me the way I needed. Not true- not pure. Not Love Love.

Which takes me to me doing a bad bad thing. I've said before that love has come out of the wrong mouths.... And now someone I spoke about before started speaking some more. He said I was 'a 10' (whatever that means), I am the 'exact type of person he would date' (whatever that means), that I am 'perfect' 'amazing' (etc. etc. etc). These are the things I dream to hear, the way I wished someone would treat me. The way I hoped someone would see me, finally. But he belongs to another, so much so.

And I feel terrible, I did a bad bad thing. He said I was 'a test' (whatever that means), and if you ask me- he failed it. I did a bad thing to a girl I don't know. I betrayed her, and I knew I was. I did a bad thing to a stranger. I'm terribly sorry.

I finally heard what I needed to hear, and I cried in the street hearing it. Because he should have been saying those things to another, not me. I am just the other girl, his fantasy girl, and he is going to marry another. I did a bad thing. And I hope that love doesn't hate me now and I hope I didn't hurt anyone but myself. I hope that love will visit me again, and speak to me through lips not promised to another. I hope love comes quick for me- Free Love Pure Love True Love. My Love, I'm waiting.

Beautiful Honesty

The meaning of Naomi, in Japanese, is Beautiful Honesty. In Hebrew, it means Beautiful and delightful. That's about right.

For me, Naomi means a true friend. A woman who honors me by calling me her friend. To be, Naomi means real and pure love, joy, and wonderment.

I met her years ago while living in DC, she was by far the best part of that place for me. And when I think of my time there, I think of her.

She is pure magic. To be around her is to be near this flame or energy. This being of natural beauty. Someone who was born with something very special.

The last time I saw her was at her wedding almost 2 years ago now- wow 2 years already. I cried the whole time during her ceremony, because I knew that not only had she found love, real love, but that the person looking at her knew just how special she was- and must have felt very special being in the light of her love, always.

As years go by, we talk less and less. That is just how it goes with distance and time. But we do stay in touch and promise to see one another before the year is out. A promise I very much hope that we do keep (I'm in if you are).

I write this as I think of her and begin to think of her talent and practice of yoga. How it is not just something to do but something to be. And I admire that endlessley. She brings this glowing light to those she meets and those she shares this practice with. And now, she opens her heart and her grasp farther by joining this part of the world we call Blog Land.

Not only can you watch her do this- and have her teach you how to do it.....

You can read her words wherever you like, and feel her glow wherever you are.

My dear, my sweet, my darling friend Naomi. I love who you are and who you are becoming, and am thankful everyday that I am invited in for the ride- and- that you have invited us all to share your beautiful world here.... Naomi's Blog

Ready Already

At work on Friday I was playing with my co-worker's wedding band and engagement ring. I felt like such a baby, even though she is about 5 years my junior. I was a bit envious when she put them back on, because they were her's, not mine.

Lately, I have been talking to friends and family about wanting to get married, have kids, The whole shebang. I'd love to do that. But I feel it is either very far away, or never coming at all. I have no flirtation, let alone someone to say I do to. But I would very much like that.

Even as I write this, it all makes me very sad. Last night, I was supposed to go out with my sister. But with the constant rain and steady humidity, my back was on fire and my body would not allow me to do anything. Anything but feel mind numbing pain. It wasn't the pain that made me sad as much as how that pain keeps me inside, by myself, and unable to meet anybdy to maybe flirt with, let alone, get hitched to.

And time goes by, and I am in the same space and mind frame I was as a kid, waiting but held back by myself and wondering if I will ever be able to break this cycle. I would love to find someone, but I can't even tie my shoes. I would love to have someone on days when I am in agony- help me walk the pup, get my meds, and rub my back till the pain passes. But I can't get out to get there. So, if you are out there, turn the volume up a bit. I'm looking, but limping slowly, I need you to pick up your pace. I'm ready already.

All You Need Is Love.

With Valentines quickly approaching, I am feeling all the more single and all the more interested in changing that. I am slowly giving up my Two Week Romances. Maybe they are giving up me.

Another year goes by without my interest in anyone. It doesn't make me sad- just a bit antsy. And so, if you believe in wishes, if you believe in dreams, if you believe in love like I do- then I wish for this.

Let Go.

I think I am keeping most of my New Year's resolutions. Or maybe, they are keeping me. The past few weeks have been a whirl. And as I move forward in work and trying to better my career, I have noticed people falling by the wasteside. Men, I should say. And that is kinda fine with me. I promised to do away with my two week romances. And so far, they have gone away. Which in all honesty is tough at times. But healthy I hope in the end. 

I have come to an understanding that sometimes, even when someone has the best intentions for you and about you, they should not be in your life. I am afraid that I broke a heart this week. Someone from many years ago who still holds that candle. But I do not. I had to tell him that it was not there for me anymore, and that I had to let him go. It is terribly hard to do that, but then again, at the same time- terribly easy. Which, to be honest- is a bit more unsettling.

Being with him was a forced exercise. I knew he wanted more, and I played dumb. But I felt a bit gross doing do. I knew it wasn't fair. I had to let go.

I'm letting go a lot lately. Letting go of the things I can't control and the people that aren't the best fit for me. I got tired of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole I guess. And now I find myself clearing space. I would like this year to be a new way of life for me. To detach from people places and things that just don't work for me anymore. And the trick, is to do it respectfully and with love and care. Which again- is tough.

The taste of my own medicine comes of course when others feel they need to clear me- just like this one little romance has recently done. But, I should respect it- right? That who I am and where I am is not a fit for him. Easy as that right? Neh- not so much. What I have to remember, of course, is that I let him go too. I am letting go, and freeing up space for the new.

Movement

It's the beginning of the New Year and I already feel a bit stuck. My body has been recovering from back surgery for almost one year now, and it is just now beginning to notice that it hasn't moved in three years. I feel the need to move, swing, MOVE. I just feel this great momentum in the past few days to get going. I had forgotten that feeling since all I have been feeling for the past years is mind numbing pain. Now my body, that had been tortured by nerve pain, morphine, and self-induced isolation, is beginning to break out of this shell. It wants to bend and stretch and jump. I had forgotten what that had felt like, to want to tone, strengthen and move instead of numb, curse and despise.

Personally, I have also been craving some movement. In perfect Bonita fashion, a ghost from Christmas past has been haunting me. Another boy from long ago creeping back in, doing all of the lame 8th grade boy moves I hated in the 8th grade. I am now 31 years old, and you want me to anticipate a text message? Seriously? I should get excited when you return a call? And totally expect it when you don't? Um,,,, no.

This year I made a resolution to get rid of my two week romances. And yes, skipper, this does mean you. I am completely sick of little boy games and those games making me feel like a chump for just trying to be open and kind. I simply refuse to let you change who I am, but can I change who I am... for the better? Can I move into a better head space and into a new pattern that better suits me? That, is quite difficult.

I began to quit smoking... again. And the best way I can equate this break up from these little romances is like trying to quit smoking. I know it is bad for me, I know it hurts me, I know it is ridiculous. But I still really like it. I crave it. And that is the hardest part to say out loud, let alone to myself. That I get something out of all of this. No, not the drama. But the rejection, that fucking sinking in my chest that I felt at three years old. The wanting to prove that I am worthy to someone who is not even worth while.

But I have got to MOVE. Maybe my body is speaking for my mind, maybe my mind is trying to tell my body something. Maybe I am now just 31 and have to get this life going where I want it to go. It is very difficult, not to get in touch with this person let alone go buy a pack of Camels, but I am doing my very best. It is day 4 without smoking, if I can keep my cigarette count as low as the no bullshit boy count, I think I am moving in the right direction indeed.

My Two Week Love Romance(s)

My dear little romances, you  have been lovely. But you really have got to go. You've given me heart flitters, rosy cheeks, and someone to sleep next to- occasionally. I was grateful for your little reminder- that love is out there for me. And that I m still capable to feel it. Feel gitty, feel girly, feel that excitement when a telephone rings. But really, you got to go.

It's coming up on a New Year you see- and if you follow me well, that would just be redundant. We can both agree on that now can't we?  I've got to get rid of you in order to make room for something bigger, grander, greater. Sure, you've been fun. But I need more than fun. You've really been lovely- but I'm looking for love. 

It's been quite a ride my little romances. But the ride is now over. I've got to make a break from you before I become broken. You've begun to get on my nerves and you are waring on me. You were useful for a time, and I do ever so thank you for that. But now you are just useless. 

I'll remember you fondly romances- you helped me pass the time away I guess. You taught me a thing or two about love and lust. And after all of your two weeks dances, I really prefer love. So you see, you gotta go. You can't follow me into this New Year, or the year after. I'm leaving you my two week romance- you can keep the bric-a-brac, I'll keep your memories with me always and my passion for something, well- longer.

After The Darkness

It was hard to take my attack and see the positive in it. There was nothing positive about being assaulted and nothing positive from the head injury, the post traumatic stress, or the anxiety. The incident will never be a positive one.

What happened thereafter, however, has turned out to be.  Months of counseling and personal searching has lead me here. It has lead me to a place where I am really impressed with myself. I know it is out of fashion to ring one's bell, but damn it- this bell should ring. 

Directly after the attack, I returned to work and school- three days after. I went in with my arm in a sling and my head swirling, but I went. After the attack I managed to complete my second masters degree, complete a counseling internship, continue to work in the justice system (not easy to help offenders once you are a crime victim), and get the job a wanted- a mighty big job at that. 

After the attack I  went back to dating. Which is huge. Even in the middle of living life after a sexual assault, I was not closed off to the notion of love entering my life. In fact, I seek it out still daily.

I've never lost my friendships, in fact I gained and strengthened them. After the attack I found  dichotomy of people in my life. One side that loved and supported me, the other that dropped the ball and dropped out of my life. I will always be grateful for those who stuck with it and stuck by me. And it may sound odd, but I may be more grateful to the ones that did not. This group of people showed me that not everyone in my life should be there. And, if they don't value me, they can keep on moving.

Which brings me back to dating....

I've been out with someone a few times now. He's cute, we laugh a lot, and enjoy our time together. But it always seems to be me that does the asking, the getting in touch... the work. And that well, does not work for me. Now, he doesn't know my life story, he doesn't know what happened this summer- but that really doesn't matter. If he doesn't see that I am amazing, then he really isn't worth my time. I have learned that from this other group of people. I can take it negatively and personally, but in the end that just isn't true. What is true is that I am stellar- and if that sounds egotistical- then fine. But I am. I don't think enough people think that way.

Believe me- it is difficult. This addiction to unavailable men is harder to quit than cigarettes. But I am working on it.
   

 

I Rallied

Just back from a wonderful DC trip. I had lived there for about 4 years, and have been back in New York for 3 years now. It's hard to believe it has been that much time. That city is always special in my heart. Any my friends there are doubly special. 

Some friends and I went to the Jon Stewart Rally- and it was the best time. After back surgery this winter, and hell this summer, I needed a restoration to sanity indeed. I snapped some memories. 

I found a new hero in this woman.

I read some great things.

I saw people defy gravity, and federal law.

I saw an artist seeing life and make art out of it.

 

And I saw love.

Dear Sister....

Love You.

*B

All You Need Is Love?

I am Lux Lisbon, locked in a room dreaming of highways. I am Maggie Cassidy, waiting on the porch with toes curled. I am a childhood dream girl grown old, tired, and jaded. 

Very recently I have had several people tell me that I was their secret dream girl growing up. All the while I was living in my personal silent nightmare. They had all of this love for me. While I sat alone and lonely. There was my super special Jr. High School crush that I loved from a far who came back into my life and ruined my memories. There was the popular boy in high school that all the girls loved for some strange reason who told me years later he thought of me. The music man, the pill slinger, all of them thinking love of me. All the while I sat by myself wishing for a 'hero to rise from these streets.' I wished for love on every fallen eyelash. But it never came about, at least never out loud. And when it finally has recently, it came from the wrong mouths.

I don't know what to make of any of these people apart, but put together it is a strange pattern.  I don't understand how you can love someone and leave them alone. I don't know how they could love me and not see me drowning. I don't know how they could love me and walk right through me. I don't know how they could love me and never really know me at all.

Love can be fantastic.

Sometimes Love is finding your match. 

Sometimes it means finding your ultimate soul compliment. And if you are lucky, Love can be playful, silly, and simple.

Sunshine Does Exist Here.

Before you call for a therapist or the hostage negotiation unit- maybe some things to know...


You did not need an Rx for xanax to read this.


I promise not to always be gloomy or make you feel sad.


I promise to not always leave you feeling longing or long faced.


I've decided to make a list of wonderful in my life:

I have wonderful people in my life who tell me I am wonderful.

I know what all kinds of love feels like.


I look for the bright side of things, even when that makes me squint.

I see the positive side in everything first, even when it turns out negative in the end.


I have an amazing sense of survival, and I have no idea how I got it, but I do.

I am grateful for all of my blessings in disguise, but I could do without all of the disguise.

I still believe in magic.

I still believe in love.


I've had more than one person tell me that that they are grateful to know me.

I have people in my life that make my life better, just by being there. And I have told them just that.


I've been told that I was the girl that got away, directly from someone I ran away from.

I have people in my life that I admire, and they call me their friend.


I have incredible luck, but it takes a while to see that is true. 

I know it will turn out alright in the end, but I don't know how long away the end is.