He Lives in My Shoulders

I began Yoga. I began again after years of healing from back surgery and the injuries incurred from my attack. I didn't think I would be able to do much. It has been years of being frozen. Both inside and outside of my body. The attack left me with physical injuries I will never shake. It left me with memories and flashes I never would wish on anyone. The worst of this, is that it comes to me when I try to take care of myself. Move my broken body. Melt away the frozen ice caps of flesh and try to heal from the inside out.

This morning, ironically enough in warrior II , he came creeping into my practice. He banged and pulled and beat on me, just had he had years ago. The fear and sadness flooded into me. I became overwhelmed and had a flash in my mind to run. But I didn't.

Years ago, I read that emotion lives in your body. That you hold fear, sadness, trauma, in your muscles, cells, and bones. I used to roll my eyes at these types of things. But I can feel him clearly in me- he lives in my shoulders. I can feel him dance around my cracked bones and tendons. Just as he had before. I can feel him pulling on my still- my heart, my hair, the me inside of me that speaks softly still.

This happened two years ago. Sometimes that feels very far away. Sometimes it feels like it never happened, or at least, that it didn't happen to me. Sometimes it feels like I am over it. That I have moved beyond it (as best as one can). That I have begun to take care for myself and heal and focus on getting well. And it is then in these moments that he comes back and reminds me that he still haunts me, still hurts me, still lives- apparently- in my shoulders.

Free Falling

I've been a bit occupied lately. But occupied in a way I have never been before. Since the job I hated is no longer in my life, there is little holding me to New York City. Yes, I have wonderful friends here. I have family here. But I don't have what I want for my life here.

So, I am thinking- maybe I shouldn't be here.

I've been playing with my Mondo Beyondo Dreams. For many many many years, I have been yearning to move back west. I was there for a short while many years ago, but something about it always felt right. Felt like home. Felt like Me. 

Now, with very little money in my pocket, no job offer (yet), and knowing absolutely nobody in the town I am going to- I am off! Trying to live a Mondo Dream, but testing out for a week. 

I've never done anything like this before- just gone for it. It's a bit nerving. A bit exciting. A bit of a step for me. A big step forward.

It feels like I've Let Go. And that feels great to me. By letting go I have stepped out to the ledge. I have no idea what the next few weeks hold for me. What I will find out there. Maybe myself. I'm committed to giving it a shot. Giving myself a shot. Doing something that will take me closer to a picture of what I want my life to be- to look like-feel like. I think I will be there soon. And I hope I find whatever it is I am waiting for is waiting back for me, too.

Thaw

It is that time of year- just when the air doesn't sting you when you walk outside. But certainly not warm. It's a bit like Stockholm Syndrome- when it is 40 degrees and it feels like an Island Tropic Day. You feel like you have been in a prison, and let out in the yard for your weekly run. 

It's not spring yet. Not yet. But there are small signs of warm times coming. It makes you feel a bit stronger, getting through another brutal winter. It makes you feel jumpy and antsy and ready for a new phase to begin.

It's moments like these that remind you that there is a warm light at the end of this winter tunnel.

Photo Fridays.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.