Another year- hello 33. Looking forward to a wonderful year of you.
Showing posts with label Wishes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wishes. Show all posts
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Jump. Pause. Wait.
I decided to JUMP. I decided to move forward. Move west. Move. Which is all just wonderful. Kind of surreal. But it is happening. I'm going.
But not for another several weeks.
Which- leaves me here. In Limbo. In New York. In a very strange uncomfortable sad place. It's strange because I am in the middle of a big move- but I haven't gone anywhere. More of an issue- is I have nada to do while I'm waiting. I feel like a Bob Marley song- waiting in vain for your love. I am looking for part-time something, but the pay stinks and feels less worth it. So, limbo.
Deciding to move was not much of a decision at all. It's just something I have to do. I don't worry much about feeling lonely out there, because honestly, I feel lonely here. I walk around by myself a lot. Or with the pup. Going nowhere with no one. So I'm wishing and hoping that out there will be different. I really hope so.
It's very strange to feel out of place in your home. To feel like you don't fit where you are from. So leaving it, doesn't break my heart. Now, all I have to do is wait out the time and do my last minute New York things. And then I'm off.
In my mind, I can see what my future looks like. In my mind, I can almost see the faces of my kids, my man. And it hurts to know that they are not here- they are somewhere else- waiting for me to bring them to life. Bring myself to life. Bring myself home.
Soon my loves, soon.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Dear Old Love.....
No matter how many years have past, and it has been years, I see you and it is the same. The same excitement. The same smile. The same old feeling.
Nobody smiles at me like you. Nobody talks to me like you. Nobody looks at me like you, when you think I am not looking. But I am. Looking.
There are some things that I would love to say to you, some things I long for you to hear. Some things that I think you haven't heard for years. Probably the last time you heard from me. And probably, never in the way I feel I need to say it now. With urgency, with kindness, with love.
I'm going back and forth, forth and back, and back once again wondering. Do I say these things? Do I tell you all I feel I need to share? Would it save you in saving yourself? Or would it make it worse? Make you feel worse than I see that you feel? Because I can tell. I can still feel it, even when you swear that you don't. But that's alright.
I understand why you shut it down, shut me down, shut yourself out. I understand why you say what you say and why you say it. And so I understand, it doesn't hurt me in the way you think that it would. It hurts somewhere else. Somewhere new. Something else. This is something else all together. And now, I'm thinking about what to do next. Because to do nothing, just may be the greatest harm of all.
There are some things that I can not believe you still do not hear. Still can not believe you have silenced the voice in your head that screams for life. That you have turned down your chin and your outlook. Have shut it all down and perhaps given up. But I can't give up on you. I won't, even if it hurts me in the end.
My dear old love. I need to talk with you. Need to tell you some very important things. Because life is short and small and I think I am leaving. I have to tell you because I owe you, even though I know you have no idea that I am in forever in your debt. But I am.
Dear love, you were the one who took away my shame. Who showed me that the shame was not mine, that it belonged to someone else. You showed me that even though I had been used and broken as a child, that you saw me as me. As a together person worthy of love, your love. Our love. And for that, my dear old love, I will love you forever. For loving me with the purest heart I have ever known, for giving me the gift of knowing that I could love and be loved, I owe you forever. I will eternally remember how it felt to walk in your love, sleep in your arms, and hear your key unlock my door. I will always remember your beauty. I will always remember how you cherished mine. So you see old love, for all of this and a lifetime of gratitude more, I owe you the truth. I owe you moons and planets and shooting stars. So, please, please accept these words into your lovely heart. Please hear me in your soul and know, please know my dear old love, that this is all true. All true.
You are wonderful. You are wonderment. You are amazing.
Dear old love, you are stunning and beautiful. Your beauty can be blinding. Your laughter makes me smile, long after the joke is over. You are kind and gentle and tender and special. After all these years, you still make me feel safe in your arms. So safe that my eyes water.
I want you to know that you can be anything, because you are everything. You are the sweetest man I have met, even when you try to be cold. My dear old love I need to tell you something. Need to tell you that life is short and happiness is not guaranteed. But you know that. But I need to tell you that happiness is possible. Yes, dear old love, possible and waiting- quietly waiting- for you.
Please dear old love, please live your life in the sunlight. Please love the life that you live. Please love, do it quickly. Because time slips away and eats away at you. Please live it before it's over, or that you wish it were.
You see old love, you are rare. Rarer than you can imagine. Which is why, you see, you feel the way you do. In between, one way or the other, any way it goes. Not everyone is like you, which is why you may be feeling alone. Dear old love I owe you more than these words, owe you more than an apology for taking so long to say all this- especially since even now- I have yet to say it to your face.
You see old love, I fear these words may not meet you kindly. Not meet you in the way which they are intended. Please old love, please know I mean you no harm. I mean you no judgment or negativity. No ill will. I mean for these words to provide you with comfort, with heart, with old love. Love old and wise and aged with years of knowing you. Love created during one a.m talks and early morning emails from years and years ago. Dear love, my dear old love, know that I see you- still see you after all of these years and wish and want and pray for your happiness, perhaps more than my own. My dear old love, I love you in ways not known to me then, in ways that I hope reach you in the night and whisper to your silenced mind's voice- whispering that you can, you should, you are able, to take your life and live it for your own. To spread your love far and wide enough to meet you back around again to loving yourself.
Dear old love, please hear my whisper and follow your beautiful heart. Follow your heart and find yourself. Find your beauty, find what you are looking for. And try to look for me along the way. I'll be there, somewhere deep in the back. With water filled eyes proud- proud to see you become who you know you are.
Dear old love I owe you more than these writings, more than a visit, more than a reminder of someone out there loving who you are. I owe you more because of moments like these and because of you loving me in ways I had wished for and continue to wish for, because old love you have shown me- it is all possible.
Nobody smiles at me like you. Nobody talks to me like you. Nobody looks at me like you, when you think I am not looking. But I am. Looking.
There are some things that I would love to say to you, some things I long for you to hear. Some things that I think you haven't heard for years. Probably the last time you heard from me. And probably, never in the way I feel I need to say it now. With urgency, with kindness, with love.
I'm going back and forth, forth and back, and back once again wondering. Do I say these things? Do I tell you all I feel I need to share? Would it save you in saving yourself? Or would it make it worse? Make you feel worse than I see that you feel? Because I can tell. I can still feel it, even when you swear that you don't. But that's alright.
I understand why you shut it down, shut me down, shut yourself out. I understand why you say what you say and why you say it. And so I understand, it doesn't hurt me in the way you think that it would. It hurts somewhere else. Somewhere new. Something else. This is something else all together. And now, I'm thinking about what to do next. Because to do nothing, just may be the greatest harm of all.
There are some things that I can not believe you still do not hear. Still can not believe you have silenced the voice in your head that screams for life. That you have turned down your chin and your outlook. Have shut it all down and perhaps given up. But I can't give up on you. I won't, even if it hurts me in the end.
My dear old love. I need to talk with you. Need to tell you some very important things. Because life is short and small and I think I am leaving. I have to tell you because I owe you, even though I know you have no idea that I am in forever in your debt. But I am.
Dear love, you were the one who took away my shame. Who showed me that the shame was not mine, that it belonged to someone else. You showed me that even though I had been used and broken as a child, that you saw me as me. As a together person worthy of love, your love. Our love. And for that, my dear old love, I will love you forever. For loving me with the purest heart I have ever known, for giving me the gift of knowing that I could love and be loved, I owe you forever. I will eternally remember how it felt to walk in your love, sleep in your arms, and hear your key unlock my door. I will always remember your beauty. I will always remember how you cherished mine. So you see old love, for all of this and a lifetime of gratitude more, I owe you the truth. I owe you moons and planets and shooting stars. So, please, please accept these words into your lovely heart. Please hear me in your soul and know, please know my dear old love, that this is all true. All true.
You are wonderful. You are wonderment. You are amazing.
Dear old love, you are stunning and beautiful. Your beauty can be blinding. Your laughter makes me smile, long after the joke is over. You are kind and gentle and tender and special. After all these years, you still make me feel safe in your arms. So safe that my eyes water.
I want you to know that you can be anything, because you are everything. You are the sweetest man I have met, even when you try to be cold. My dear old love I need to tell you something. Need to tell you that life is short and happiness is not guaranteed. But you know that. But I need to tell you that happiness is possible. Yes, dear old love, possible and waiting- quietly waiting- for you.
Please dear old love, please live your life in the sunlight. Please love the life that you live. Please love, do it quickly. Because time slips away and eats away at you. Please live it before it's over, or that you wish it were.
You see old love, you are rare. Rarer than you can imagine. Which is why, you see, you feel the way you do. In between, one way or the other, any way it goes. Not everyone is like you, which is why you may be feeling alone. Dear old love I owe you more than these words, owe you more than an apology for taking so long to say all this- especially since even now- I have yet to say it to your face.
You see old love, I fear these words may not meet you kindly. Not meet you in the way which they are intended. Please old love, please know I mean you no harm. I mean you no judgment or negativity. No ill will. I mean for these words to provide you with comfort, with heart, with old love. Love old and wise and aged with years of knowing you. Love created during one a.m talks and early morning emails from years and years ago. Dear love, my dear old love, know that I see you- still see you after all of these years and wish and want and pray for your happiness, perhaps more than my own. My dear old love, I love you in ways not known to me then, in ways that I hope reach you in the night and whisper to your silenced mind's voice- whispering that you can, you should, you are able, to take your life and live it for your own. To spread your love far and wide enough to meet you back around again to loving yourself.
Dear old love, please hear my whisper and follow your beautiful heart. Follow your heart and find yourself. Find your beauty, find what you are looking for. And try to look for me along the way. I'll be there, somewhere deep in the back. With water filled eyes proud- proud to see you become who you know you are.
Dear old love I owe you more than these writings, more than a visit, more than a reminder of someone out there loving who you are. I owe you more because of moments like these and because of you loving me in ways I had wished for and continue to wish for, because old love you have shown me- it is all possible.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
To Beyondo!
I believe in Messages from the Universe. I believe that life is something to be renewed. I believe that I need a Message to Renew. Last year, I fell into Mondo Beyond and was invited into something called Dreaming. I believed that I really needed that.
It is coming up on one year of my attack. It will be a year two weeks from now, but who's counting, right? I'm still trying to get used to living again, trying to not to be frightened about everything. And trying to see this attack as a positive. Crazy perhaps, but maybe have it serve as a sign that I was on the wrong road. That I need to go somewhere else, perhaps.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about children, and how much I would like to have my own. It only occurred to me yesterday that some of this is linked to my sadness of having to give up my pregnancy last year. After undergoing major surgery and being heavily medicated for three weeks, I got ill. Only I found out weeks later, I was not ill. I was pregnant. And there was no way that I would keep it. My body would not be able to hold the pregnancy after the surgery. And of course, the baby could have some major complications due to the sedation and medication. The sadness was unbearable. So much so, that I only really began to think about it yesterday. That I not only wanted children, but that I miss the one I had to give up, because it was best for the both of us. I'm not sure if the loss will ever go away.
So, I thought of Mondo. After my attack and losing the baby, I needed some light. Some joy. Some thing. And Mondo and the dreamers were there. Bless them. I thought about joining up again. Still, money is tight and time with work is tighter. So, I threw it to the Universe. Looking at Andrea's Blog, I found a little clue- a two for one buddy deal. I threw my hat in the ring and thought- let the stars decide. And this morning, I was matched. And so it is. Thank you for being a sign Andrea, thank you.
I am happy to begin to dream again. I believe I need it. As I try to clear out the cobwebs of my life, I am hopeful that Mondo will help me to plant some new seeds that will somehow make my life beautiful.
It is coming up on one year of my attack. It will be a year two weeks from now, but who's counting, right? I'm still trying to get used to living again, trying to not to be frightened about everything. And trying to see this attack as a positive. Crazy perhaps, but maybe have it serve as a sign that I was on the wrong road. That I need to go somewhere else, perhaps.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about children, and how much I would like to have my own. It only occurred to me yesterday that some of this is linked to my sadness of having to give up my pregnancy last year. After undergoing major surgery and being heavily medicated for three weeks, I got ill. Only I found out weeks later, I was not ill. I was pregnant. And there was no way that I would keep it. My body would not be able to hold the pregnancy after the surgery. And of course, the baby could have some major complications due to the sedation and medication. The sadness was unbearable. So much so, that I only really began to think about it yesterday. That I not only wanted children, but that I miss the one I had to give up, because it was best for the both of us. I'm not sure if the loss will ever go away.
So, I thought of Mondo. After my attack and losing the baby, I needed some light. Some joy. Some thing. And Mondo and the dreamers were there. Bless them. I thought about joining up again. Still, money is tight and time with work is tighter. So, I threw it to the Universe. Looking at Andrea's Blog, I found a little clue- a two for one buddy deal. I threw my hat in the ring and thought- let the stars decide. And this morning, I was matched. And so it is. Thank you for being a sign Andrea, thank you.
I am happy to begin to dream again. I believe I need it. As I try to clear out the cobwebs of my life, I am hopeful that Mondo will help me to plant some new seeds that will somehow make my life beautiful.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Ready Already
At work on Friday I was playing with my co-worker's wedding band and engagement ring. I felt like such a baby, even though she is about 5 years my junior. I was a bit envious when she put them back on, because they were her's, not mine.
Lately, I have been talking to friends and family about wanting to get married, have kids, The whole shebang. I'd love to do that. But I feel it is either very far away, or never coming at all. I have no flirtation, let alone someone to say I do to. But I would very much like that.
Even as I write this, it all makes me very sad. Last night, I was supposed to go out with my sister. But with the constant rain and steady humidity, my back was on fire and my body would not allow me to do anything. Anything but feel mind numbing pain. It wasn't the pain that made me sad as much as how that pain keeps me inside, by myself, and unable to meet anybdy to maybe flirt with, let alone, get hitched to.
And time goes by, and I am in the same space and mind frame I was as a kid, waiting but held back by myself and wondering if I will ever be able to break this cycle. I would love to find someone, but I can't even tie my shoes. I would love to have someone on days when I am in agony- help me walk the pup, get my meds, and rub my back till the pain passes. But I can't get out to get there. So, if you are out there, turn the volume up a bit. I'm looking, but limping slowly, I need you to pick up your pace. I'm ready already.
Lately, I have been talking to friends and family about wanting to get married, have kids, The whole shebang. I'd love to do that. But I feel it is either very far away, or never coming at all. I have no flirtation, let alone someone to say I do to. But I would very much like that.
Even as I write this, it all makes me very sad. Last night, I was supposed to go out with my sister. But with the constant rain and steady humidity, my back was on fire and my body would not allow me to do anything. Anything but feel mind numbing pain. It wasn't the pain that made me sad as much as how that pain keeps me inside, by myself, and unable to meet anybdy to maybe flirt with, let alone, get hitched to.
And time goes by, and I am in the same space and mind frame I was as a kid, waiting but held back by myself and wondering if I will ever be able to break this cycle. I would love to find someone, but I can't even tie my shoes. I would love to have someone on days when I am in agony- help me walk the pup, get my meds, and rub my back till the pain passes. But I can't get out to get there. So, if you are out there, turn the volume up a bit. I'm looking, but limping slowly, I need you to pick up your pace. I'm ready already.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Radio Silence
I know, it has been a terribly long time since I have written here. Which is just terrible! I not only promised myself that I would write here lots and lots, but that I would be more present in all. I don't know if it has been a total fail or what, but I have been swimming in this sea of sad and sorrow and longing and loss and wishing and wondering and blind hope. Which has made writing here difficult. Because, well, I didn't like that all of that was my life. And maybe it would be all too real if I wrote it down, realer if anyone out there ever read it. But it is my life, and it really has got to change.
Happiness to me has been a far reaching concept. Life for me is something I have had to get through, certainly not enjoy. And I hate that- seriously hate it. I've noticed myself wishing west for the past year, and being held back to what I have here in the east. My friends and family. But in the back of my mind I wonder if something better is out there waiting for me. And if it waits to long, maybe someone else will come and find it and claim it for their own. Maybe I will never find what I am looking for here, and maybe it will never find me.
I'm now 31 right? Right. And I don't have much to show for it in terms of what I thought I would have by now. Sure, I am a published author, been on national TV, asked to help people in their businesses. In other terms- I work a lot. But still have very few dollars to show for it. I thought at least by now I would be engaged,. married, kids, vacation, car, happy. But my pockets and my heart are empty and gathering dust.
Now, what to do what to do? I wish I could get a one way ticket and GO. But in all reality, I can barely even afford that. And what to do when I get THERE? Sit by myself in a one bedroom? Walk totally alone because I know nobody? Can't that something or someone find me?
So, yes, I have been absent from my writing here, and that needs to change. So, at the very least, I can change that in my life. In the time in between that, I can try to make my life something worth writing about. Something worth wishing about, and something worth admitting is me.
Happiness to me has been a far reaching concept. Life for me is something I have had to get through, certainly not enjoy. And I hate that- seriously hate it. I've noticed myself wishing west for the past year, and being held back to what I have here in the east. My friends and family. But in the back of my mind I wonder if something better is out there waiting for me. And if it waits to long, maybe someone else will come and find it and claim it for their own. Maybe I will never find what I am looking for here, and maybe it will never find me.
I'm now 31 right? Right. And I don't have much to show for it in terms of what I thought I would have by now. Sure, I am a published author, been on national TV, asked to help people in their businesses. In other terms- I work a lot. But still have very few dollars to show for it. I thought at least by now I would be engaged,. married, kids, vacation, car, happy. But my pockets and my heart are empty and gathering dust.
Now, what to do what to do? I wish I could get a one way ticket and GO. But in all reality, I can barely even afford that. And what to do when I get THERE? Sit by myself in a one bedroom? Walk totally alone because I know nobody? Can't that something or someone find me?
So, yes, I have been absent from my writing here, and that needs to change. So, at the very least, I can change that in my life. In the time in between that, I can try to make my life something worth writing about. Something worth wishing about, and something worth admitting is me.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
All You Need Is Love.
With Valentines quickly approaching, I am feeling all the more single and all the more interested in changing that. I am slowly giving up my Two Week Romances. Maybe they are giving up me.
Another year goes by without my interest in anyone. It doesn't make me sad- just a bit antsy. And so, if you believe in wishes, if you believe in dreams, if you believe in love like I do- then I wish for this.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Winter.
It is Winter here in Brooklyn. A very Snowy Winter. Days and weeks and months like this have me missing my short but sunny filled time in Southern California. Even though Palm Trees Don't Make Perfect, they certainly don't have you mopping up your floor and slipping along the way. The older I get the more I know Winter isn't for me. It has me really thinking about making a move to somewhere less slick. But, when I look back, even later in the day, I see just how beautiful Winter can be. Even if it does tend to leave puddles.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas Reverb
Our Prompt today...Photo – a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and [...]
This turned out to be easier than I had originally thought. What was a wonderful moment caught on film this year? This was taken in August with my best friend Nikki. I had not taken a vacation in years- like 5 or 6 years. I went to visit her with a mission to 1. have fun with my friend 2. go on a boat 3. drink a frozen something on that boat 4. have chips and guacamole. This a a picture of me really happy with my best friend doing just what I wanted to do at that moment.
This picture captures the first three wishes on my list coming true- we had #4 for dinner that night. I love my Nikki.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Promises to a Friend
Dear Friend,
I'm happy you are back in my life, and me back in yours. I'm heartbroken over your heartbreak and can only promise to never further the cracking. To see you in pain is painful, to see you hurting hurts me more than I can explain. Although I do not have a shared experience of your particular nightmare, I have had some of my own. And since I know that pain, it hurts me to know you feel it too. I know I can't take away your past, but as far as your present and future go, I hope that you allow me to be a real friend to you. It would be an honor. The honor would be mine.
I can promise that you always have someone to call at 3am when you are alone, scared, and shaking. I promise to always answer your call. I promise to be there for you, especially when you think nobody will be.
Now that I am back in your life, and you in mine, I promise to be a positive force. I promise to make you feel special, smart, blessed, safe, irreplaceable. I promise to tell you that I think you are spectacular. That you are the bravest person I know. That you are the strongest person I know. That I am lucky to know you.
My friend you have not had enough joy. And I promise to see to it that you do from here on out. I promise to be in your corner. To make Tuesdays sparkle. To make you smile for nothing. I promise to make sure your wishes come true. I promise to remind you that life can be wonderful. And that you make mine wonderful just for being in mine. Just your presence. I promise to return that favor.
I promise to make your life exciting again. To bring in simple pleasures and random adventure. I promise to cherish your life and our friendship. I promise my friendship and promise to cherish the gift of yours.
I'm happy you are back in my life, and me back in yours. I'm heartbroken over your heartbreak and can only promise to never further the cracking. To see you in pain is painful, to see you hurting hurts me more than I can explain. Although I do not have a shared experience of your particular nightmare, I have had some of my own. And since I know that pain, it hurts me to know you feel it too. I know I can't take away your past, but as far as your present and future go, I hope that you allow me to be a real friend to you. It would be an honor. The honor would be mine.
I can promise that you always have someone to call at 3am when you are alone, scared, and shaking. I promise to always answer your call. I promise to be there for you, especially when you think nobody will be.
Now that I am back in your life, and you in mine, I promise to be a positive force. I promise to make you feel special, smart, blessed, safe, irreplaceable. I promise to tell you that I think you are spectacular. That you are the bravest person I know. That you are the strongest person I know. That I am lucky to know you.
My friend you have not had enough joy. And I promise to see to it that you do from here on out. I promise to be in your corner. To make Tuesdays sparkle. To make you smile for nothing. I promise to make sure your wishes come true. I promise to remind you that life can be wonderful. And that you make mine wonderful just for being in mine. Just your presence. I promise to return that favor.
I promise to make your life exciting again. To bring in simple pleasures and random adventure. I promise to cherish your life and our friendship. I promise my friendship and promise to cherish the gift of yours.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Hired.
I found out today that I got the job I want. Now I have a few weeks to just relax and get myself together. I should be happy. But this fucking anxiety won't break off.
I think about past failures and past boys and all of the terrible things that have happened to me and it is hard to accept that good things can happen. And that they can happen to me.
I'm trying.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)