It's the beginning of the New Year and I already feel a bit stuck. My body has been recovering from back surgery for almost one year now, and it is just now beginning to notice that it hasn't moved in three years. I feel the need to move, swing, MOVE. I just feel this great momentum in the past few days to get going. I had forgotten that feeling since all I have been feeling for the past years is mind numbing pain. Now my body, that had been tortured by nerve pain, morphine, and self-induced isolation, is beginning to break out of this shell. It wants to bend and stretch and jump. I had forgotten what that had felt like, to want to tone, strengthen and move instead of numb, curse and despise.
Personally, I have also been craving some movement. In perfect Bonita fashion, a ghost from Christmas past has been haunting me. Another boy from long ago creeping back in, doing all of the lame 8th grade boy moves I hated in the 8th grade. I am now 31 years old, and you want me to anticipate a text message? Seriously? I should get excited when you return a call? And totally expect it when you don't? Um,,,, no.
This year I made a resolution to get rid of my two week romances. And yes, skipper, this does mean you. I am completely sick of little boy games and those games making me feel like a chump for just trying to be open and kind. I simply refuse to let you change who I am, but can I change who I am... for the better? Can I move into a better head space and into a new pattern that better suits me? That, is quite difficult.
I began to quit smoking... again. And the best way I can equate this break up from these little romances is like trying to quit smoking. I know it is bad for me, I know it hurts me, I know it is ridiculous. But I still really like it. I crave it. And that is the hardest part to say out loud, let alone to myself. That I get something out of all of this. No, not the drama. But the rejection, that fucking sinking in my chest that I felt at three years old. The wanting to prove that I am worthy to someone who is not even worth while.
But I have got to MOVE. Maybe my body is speaking for my mind, maybe my mind is trying to tell my body something. Maybe I am now just 31 and have to get this life going where I want it to go. It is very difficult, not to get in touch with this person let alone go buy a pack of Camels, but I am doing my very best. It is day 4 without smoking, if I can keep my cigarette count as low as the no bullshit boy count, I think I am moving in the right direction indeed.
