It's Been a Year.

One year ago I decided to JUMP. I was in a place where I decided to make a life change- to get a life. A life I wanted to live, instead of the drudge I was living. I took a trip alone. A trip to a place looked at in dreams and through dark alleys. A place I wanted to go. I went.

A year ago I was here. It was pretty brave. I never say that about myself. But it was. I was. I went alone and decided to shake up my life. To move west. I rambled a bit about it here. That's alright, everone gets to ramble now and again.

To look at some of the pictures from that trip- I smile. I now have friends that live on those blocks. I live on one of them. 

A year ago I wandered around this town and wondered if I could live here. If I could live here happily. I thought I could. I remember the Farmers Market. The music. The people. The beautiful produce and flowers. The salad in bags with edible flowers. I fell in love. I dreamt of those flowers in vases on my table. A lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

Talk about a dream come true. I wondered what it would be like to shop there each week for groceries. To make dishes with that produce. Let me tell ya- it's wonderful. It's a lil somethin like this.....

(photo on left taken one year ago, photo on right taken this week)

It has been a year. Exactly a year when I decided to do this. I can't believe it has been that long. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like everything has. You could say the same about me. I will always be proud that I did this. That I took a fantasy and made it my reality. 

A year ago I stood right here and wished I lived here....

(photo taken a year ago)

I live on the other side of that peak-a-boo. Mondo Beyondo, indeed. 

First Love Lies.

As I took my photo this week for Photo Friday, I felt a bit hopeful yet hesitant. I found a penny- heads up- lucky. I didn't post it on Friday. I wasn't feeling particularly luck, quite the opposite actually. But here it is.....

Friday was another day of me being sucked back into patterns I would rather leave behind. Leave behind junior high school girls hating me for no particular reason. Obnoxious gossip being ranted with no thought of the impact it could or would have on me. Another day for him to ignore me. Leaving me with the same feelings I had after my first heartbreak. Thinking of the boy, now 14 years later, I wonder how it would have been if he was truthful to me. Faithful. Honest. Mine. How it would have been different if he didn't mindfuck me. If he treated me like a lady. Treated me like love. Treated me as a girl having her first love should be treated. Love me like he said he did. Or just have left me alone. Looking back now- this set me up for the let down.

This perhaps is the beginning of my set up for failure. This, my first love's infidelity. Mind games.  Lack of telephone calls. His overflow of letters from me. My excessive phone bills. His love making with someone else in the backseat. My school girl ignorance, miles away wearing his necklace. Proclaiming my love while he secretly set me up for heartbreak, lies, and loss. 

The feelings echo now still to this day. Feeling lucky to have you- while being secretly betrayed somewhere in the darkness. Reaching out with a kind heart, only to be pistol whipped and ignored. All over again. 

Your lack of responsibility- for me- and of me- matches his. I can see that now. Now that I am older, a bit removed from the situation. A bit removed from myself. You both are so similar in your relationship with me. Lots of front end attention, followed with no follow at all. No follow through. Nothing. A big nothing. Just me, whip lashed. Wondering what the fuck. 

So I found a penny heads up this weekend. I hope it brings me some luck. Some strength. Some protections. Some change. Sometime soon.

365 x 2 + 1

Two years ago I was here. I lay right there in that spot. Beaten and assaulted by someone I never saw before. And never saw again since. I became someone else after that. Someone I am still trying to figure out.

Still, sometimes, I flash back. Flash back to the me I was before all of this. She was happy- getting somewhere- following a plan of some kind. The me of that night. She finally had some fun that night after years of pain, back surgery, and giving up her first pregnancy. The me of the attack. Screaming fighting clawing. The aftermath. The fear the anxiety the sleepless nights of smoking. The imprints his heels left on my thighs.

But now, it is two years later. And I am here. A place I dreamt of in my secret moments. A place that I felt would save me if I ever got there. And now I am here. Possibly closer to the person I dreamt of being and the man I always wanted to be with. That is of course, if I don't blow it by being me. The me that gets in my way. The way I snap. The way my emotions turn to sour milk. The way I become a stranger to myself- a stranger I don't care to know. Someone who is needy and wanting and clingy. Someone who pushes him away by pulling him too close. I got to work on that. 

I have spent the past two years coming out of a prison beaten into me by a stranger. A stranger who wanted nothing more than to rape and hurt me. A man who tore me up from the inside out. I have spent the past two years trying very hard to become some type of normal. To try to love myself in spite of myself, since that would be the only way for you to find then love me. I try very hard at all this. It at times can be quite exhausting, terrifying, freeing. Something.

Another year has gone by. And I find myself here. Here in this place. Here waiting for me, trying to find the me in me. Still waiting. Waiting for me-us. Me and You. Something.

6,000 miles more till home

Oh my dear blog. Oh how I have thought of you and missed you. Oh, how busy I have been and how topsy turvy it has all been. Catch you up- last job over, new one beginning any moment (hooray!), last crush over, new crush- perhaps not a crush at all. Perhaps this is my opportunity to go from crushed to true love. Me thinks this one may be a keeper.

It's amazing how life can go. How you can keep tabs on people for years from a far. How you learn over a decade later that he always had eyes for you. How I try very hard to believe him when he says that. That is a toughy- a mighty toughy indeed.

I took a big jump when I moved out here. But I did it to take a step to my future. A future that I can see clearer on this side of the continent. A future that sometimes comes into focus when he is around me. And I like that, I like it a lot. I like the ease, the familiar feeling, the way I count down days until I see you again. The way you make me smile by just breathing.

But in the midst of falling- I had to fly. This past week I boarded a plane and headed east. To the concrete jungle where I am from. I had doubts in my mind. Knowing I would love to see my friends, but fearing I would hate the city just as I had when I left it. But that wasn't the case at all. I loved to be back there. And loved that I didn't live there anymore. It was a wonderful feeling. A feeling of familiar again, but without all of the hostility, anger, and fear I used to carry around while living there. The days became of high importance, and the people that filled those days were precious. I didn't realize just how much I would miss my friends. And this made me feel love in a way I had not yet felt. I even loved the city again. Something I wasn't sure would happen. But blessed that it did. Still, being there with them, I have to say- I missed you. I wished you could be around for them to meet you. Because you- you just sparkle.

Here is the test for me now. How do I go in easy? How do I ease into this? Not rush the wonderment? Not jump- just coast? How do I tell you this is meaningful without you freaking out? I don't know if that would freak you out. How do I tell you that I mean it? That I mean what I say and do around you? That this is meaningful to me. That I still get a little unsure and maybe feel a little awkward in our in between moments. How do I tell you that I don't care to be in between? That I just want to be in? That you make me happy- happy to be around you, happy to be here- just happy. Slow and steady. Slow and steady.

(Photo borrowed from : http://myonlinebestfriendsblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/just-to-make-you-smile.html#axzz1vGznplvZ)

Last Photo Friday of 2011 & Catch Up

So, 2011 has come to an end. I'm not happy or sad about it- because it has been a year of MAJOR change. Interestingly- my movement had little to do with my resolutions, and more to do with my Mondo. This year I dug down deep and made my dreams become my reality. Now, palm trees don't always make perfect- but they sure are lovely.

This year couldn't just go without one more 2 week romance, but hopefully he was the last. Hopefully. I'm grateful he showed his face- and his cards early. He reminded me that love is possible- even for me.

 

I hope that the New Year brings new adventure in this New place that I call home. I hope that my new job brings me joy. And that my special someone finally shows himself. 

I resolve to.... keep trying to see beauty in all things- even the things that break my heart. I resolve to begin to take better care of myself- inside and out. I resolve to LET GO- most of all- let go to all things that are not helpful to me. And hold on to all that is.

Happy New Year- and many more to come. 

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Photo Friday.

I have not been keeping up with this blog- that is you see because I have been keeping up with life. Which has left me little time to record it. Entry soon to come! The cliff notes... doing life Mondo Beyondo style..... MONDO. The above were taken in the last 3 days across the country from one another. Two from my old home garden in Brooklyn. Two from my new home garden in California. I like the beauty of each, how they are different, yet oh so very much the same. Maybe the sameness is me. I don't know, not sure, but I like it.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Jump. Pause. Wait.

I decided to JUMP. I decided to move forward. Move west. Move. Which is all just wonderful. Kind of surreal. But it is happening. I'm going. 

But not for another several weeks.

Which- leaves me here. In Limbo. In New York. In a very strange uncomfortable sad place. It's strange because I am in the middle of a big move- but I haven't gone anywhere. More of an issue- is I have nada to do while I'm waiting. I feel like a Bob Marley song- waiting in vain for your love. I am looking for part-time something, but the pay stinks and feels less worth it. So, limbo.

Deciding to move was not much of a decision at all. It's just something I have to do. I don't worry much about feeling lonely out there, because honestly, I feel lonely here. I walk around by myself a lot. Or with the pup. Going nowhere with no one. So I'm wishing and hoping that out there will be different. I really hope so. 

It's very strange to feel out of place in your home. To feel like you don't fit where you are from. So leaving it, doesn't break my heart. Now, all I have to do is wait out the time and do my last minute New York things. And then I'm off.

In my mind, I can see what my future looks like. In my mind, I can almost see the faces of my kids, my man. And it hurts to know that they are not here- they are somewhere else- waiting for me to bring them to life. Bring myself to life. Bring myself home.

Soon my loves, soon.

Photo Fridays.

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Nor Cal

I decided to take a leap. A jump. A test run into Northern California. A Mondo Beyondo Dream come to life. My life, to be exact. For quite some time I have been playing with the idea of moving to Northern California. And it would be swell if one of my east coast buddies would come with me. But alas, that does not seem to be the case. So- off I went- all by myself- into the great west.


I love the west. Love the way it looks, love the way it feels on my skin. Love the way my broken body mends faster here. I love the way people dress like me- and act like me too. It confirms that I don't belong in New York City. Which makes me a bit sad- that my hometown is not my home. Never felt like home. Never, really.


So- I took a big leap- and went on this trip on my own. And it wasn't scary or sad- it is great. It is wonderful. And exciting and beautiful. First- for a few days I lollied around Santa Cruz. Met with some lovely people I would love to work with. And did a bunch of looking. Lucky lucky me- I got to see this every day....

Admittedly, I got a little teary eyed when I had to go. But I know I will be back soon. I know that. And- I get to see some long ago friends in San Francisco. Which has been super. Now- they are trying to pull me into their section of the Bay Area. Ah- who knows. It's nice to be wanted- I'll tell ya that for sure.


In the past week- I have had three people call me brave. I've never considered myself brave, but looking back on it all- I guess I am. Nice! Doing this trip on my own- meeting up with people I never met before- thinking about making a big move away all on my own. Yea- brave I guess. But, the way I see it, there is no other way for me right now. New York hasn't given me what I need. So, I gotta go somewhere else. Somewhere new. And like everything else in my life thus far, I gotta do it on my own. Which doesn't register to me as brave at first, it's just the way it has been for me. Maybe I need a new way to see myself. See myself as brave, as opposed to being on my own. 


But, I'm not on my own. I have friends where I am right now. And friends to be made. Now all I have to do is look around and decide when to take the bigger leap and stay longer than a week. Take a big leap and trust that I know I am in good hands, in good company, and finally in a good place.

Slide

Dear Universe,

I have chosen to believe in you. I have chosen that my being comfortable with being uncomfortable is not the way to go. I've decided to have some faith, to Dream. Mondo Dream. Some days it is easy, some days it is very frightening.

Yes... I think my life is better off without going into an office everyday where people scheme to hurt me. I think it is better for me not to be lied about and betrayed. Yep... better. But still scary to be floating out here, not knowing where I will land. I feel like a bubble.

Yet still, I have had a word floating in my mind today. Something from Fight Club, believe it or not. I hear My Power Animal. I hear over and over again.... Slide. It scares me to slide.

My life has been a practice of power and control, a practice in trying to achieve balance. Which makes Sliding, well, tricky. But in this fear, in this moment of anxiety- I have to LET GO.

Believe. Dream. Slide.

Radio Silence

I know, it has been a terribly long time since I have written here. Which is just terrible! I not only promised myself  that I would write here lots and lots, but that I would be more present in all. I don't know if it has been a total fail or what, but I have been swimming in this sea of sad and sorrow and longing and loss and wishing and wondering and blind hope. Which has made writing here difficult. Because, well, I didn't like that all of that was my life. And maybe it would be all too real if I wrote it down, realer if anyone out there ever read it. But it is my life, and it really has got to change.

Happiness to me has been a far reaching concept. Life for me is something I have had to get through, certainly not enjoy. And I hate that- seriously hate it. I've noticed myself wishing west for the past year, and being held back to what I have here in the east. My friends and family. But in the back of my mind I wonder if something better is out there waiting for me. And if it waits to long, maybe someone else will come and find it and claim it for their own. Maybe I will never find what I am looking for here, and maybe it will never find me.

I'm now 31 right? Right. And I don't have much to show for it in terms of what I thought I would have by now. Sure, I am a published author, been on national TV, asked to help people in their businesses. In other terms- I work a lot. But still have very few dollars to show for it. I thought at least by now I would be engaged,. married, kids, vacation, car, happy. But my pockets and my heart are empty and gathering dust.

Now, what to do what to do? I wish I could get a one way ticket and GO. But in all reality, I can barely even afford that. And what to do when I get THERE? Sit by myself in a one bedroom? Walk totally alone because I know nobody? Can't that something or someone find me?

So, yes, I have been absent from my writing here, and that needs to change. So, at the very least, I can change that in my life. In the time in between that, I can try to make my life something worth writing about. Something worth wishing about, and something worth admitting is me.

Let Go.

I think I am keeping most of my New Year's resolutions. Or maybe, they are keeping me. The past few weeks have been a whirl. And as I move forward in work and trying to better my career, I have noticed people falling by the wasteside. Men, I should say. And that is kinda fine with me. I promised to do away with my two week romances. And so far, they have gone away. Which in all honesty is tough at times. But healthy I hope in the end. 

I have come to an understanding that sometimes, even when someone has the best intentions for you and about you, they should not be in your life. I am afraid that I broke a heart this week. Someone from many years ago who still holds that candle. But I do not. I had to tell him that it was not there for me anymore, and that I had to let him go. It is terribly hard to do that, but then again, at the same time- terribly easy. Which, to be honest- is a bit more unsettling.

Being with him was a forced exercise. I knew he wanted more, and I played dumb. But I felt a bit gross doing do. I knew it wasn't fair. I had to let go.

I'm letting go a lot lately. Letting go of the things I can't control and the people that aren't the best fit for me. I got tired of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole I guess. And now I find myself clearing space. I would like this year to be a new way of life for me. To detach from people places and things that just don't work for me anymore. And the trick, is to do it respectfully and with love and care. Which again- is tough.

The taste of my own medicine comes of course when others feel they need to clear me- just like this one little romance has recently done. But, I should respect it- right? That who I am and where I am is not a fit for him. Easy as that right? Neh- not so much. What I have to remember, of course, is that I let him go too. I am letting go, and freeing up space for the new.

Saying Wishes Out Loud.

Dear Universe,

You know what to do.