Photo Birthday Friday

Another year- hello 33. Looking forward to a wonderful year of you.

 

Photo Friday

A Friday ritual borrowed from i believe in santa clause. A single photo capturing a moment of the week. Feel free to make your own Friday moments or leave a comment here with a link to yours.

Car 54 Where Are You?

I should begin with an apology. Well- maybe. I am sorry that I haven't been writing here- documenting my life- and thanking the Universe for every single thing. But, you see, I have been LIVING. Living in ways that I wished for many years ago. Years ago in a concrete jungle breathing in asphalt and kicking broken pieces of glass. Wishing and hoping I was here- right here- right where I am now.

Still, that is no excuse. I should take the time for me- time to reflect and see how far I have come in just a small length of time. Most don't believe me that I wasn't afraid to jump west- but it really is true. Honestly, I was more afraid to stay. Everyday there I felt life slipping through my fingers. Now, it is something I run towards. And so far- the run has been wonderful.

The run has taken me to beaches, to rivers, to redwoods, to places I dreamt of and cried over once awake. The run has taken me from concrete to soil. I am amazed by the bravery of the run. I honor the run and the little feet that kept moving, even when I felt I could not take another step. I'm amazed that the steps are my own- even though I knew they were mine always to take.

The next step? Settle into home. The next step is to enter my new home here. This takes place in mere days. Something that has taken me years to accomplish is very close at hand. My little hand, to be precise.

To my little feet, big heart, and to the wonderful Universe- thank you- thank you for this journey I call my life. For the good, the bad, the painful, the pleasureful, the all of it. Thank you for getting me here and moving me forward.

Frozen... In Reverse.

It could be that it is winter. Or it could be something greater.

Yes, I hate cold and winter and all that comes with it. But I think there is something else to it.

My body, one year after surgery has a renewed disdain for the cold and ice. It makes me well, freeze. Freeze in ways I never did before. I can't move body parts or my mind at times. More times than not as of late. But there are other things too.

Just this past weekend I had a mind racing back to the boys I have known over the past year. All of them exactly the same. Same behaviors. Same results. Same builds even. Just the same. I had an urge to reach out to any of them. They are all the same really. Like a little devil on my shoulder urging me to put my hand on the fire. To be burnt. To be in pain. To feel something. But I didn't. 

Then, after a year, one of them got in touch with me. About 5 hours after I heard myself craving this kind of attention. Maybe he heard it too.  This person can't be considered a Two Week Romance. He would be more of a lagging connection to a part of me that surprises me exists. Does that make sense? He has a distorted version of me that I fit into instantly. It is aggravating and infuriating and weighs on my patience. But it is very much there. For some reason, he unlocks it instantly. And I don't know how or why. I didn't even know it was there until he showed it to me. The fact that I knew him as a child perplexes me more. Did he see something in the five year old me that leads him to behave this way with me now? If I thought he would honestly tell me I would ask, but that is useless.

The fact that I am totally drawn to him and his pull over me is crazy. It's worse than my nicotine cravings. Worse than the stab of cold air in the morning. Worse than I would like to admit out loud.

With this person creeping back into my mind and my day comes a big back slide. A slide back into old habits I wished never existed nevertheless were broken. It makes me feel well, frozen. Forever frozen in a place I never wanted to be to begin with. Which, makes me feel like being outside in this weather. I'm totally comfortable in the discomfort.  I'm used to the painful body and numb fingers. It's hard to think back to a time when I wasn't this way. And, seeing that this person knew me my whole life, I think I was always this way.

But maybe not. There were times in my life when I had moments like this

A time when I was free, warm, surrounded by light and feeling that I was near a place I was meant to be.

But now, and more and more lately, I am surrounded by this

What's worse, is that what surrounds me now is starting to get inside my skin and into my bones. I'm sliding backwards into frozen.

Glass Half Full.

For the most part of 2010 has really been a bitch. A fucking bitch at that. In this year alone....
I had back surgery
Broke up with my boyfriend..... twice
Had to give up a pregnancy
Struggle with money in a very real and major way
Got attacked and sexually assualted
That resulted post traumatic stress and anxiety
Which sent me to therapy.

In therapy.....
I told my therapist that I had really thought 2010 would be my year. I really hoped 2010 would be life changing- in a positive way. She looked a little sad. I told her- well- the year isn't over yet.

In 2010, I certaintly found my strength. Most people don't ever have to deal with the things I have, let alone all of them within 5 months. But in that time, I kept on going. I got my second Masters degree and found an amazing new job.

This job has made my days better. It has made me feel like me again. And I love that. So yes, 2010 has been a real bitch. But she also got me here- now. And I was right- this has been my year. It has been the year that showed me I can live through just about anything, and lived through it coming out stronger than I began. Even through the sheer hell of 2010, I managed to find some success, some achievement, some of me again.