Nobody smiles at me like you. Nobody talks to me like you. Nobody looks at me like you, when you think I am not looking. But I am. Looking.
There are some things that I would love to say to you, some things I long for you to hear. Some things that I think you haven't heard for years. Probably the last time you heard from me. And probably, never in the way I feel I need to say it now. With urgency, with kindness, with love.
I'm going back and forth, forth and back, and back once again wondering. Do I say these things? Do I tell you all I feel I need to share? Would it save you in saving yourself? Or would it make it worse? Make you feel worse than I see that you feel? Because I can tell. I can still feel it, even when you swear that you don't. But that's alright.
I understand why you shut it down, shut me down, shut yourself out. I understand why you say what you say and why you say it. And so I understand, it doesn't hurt me in the way you think that it would. It hurts somewhere else. Somewhere new. Something else. This is something else all together. And now, I'm thinking about what to do next. Because to do nothing, just may be the greatest harm of all.
There are some things that I can not believe you still do not hear. Still can not believe you have silenced the voice in your head that screams for life. That you have turned down your chin and your outlook. Have shut it all down and perhaps given up. But I can't give up on you. I won't, even if it hurts me in the end.
My dear old love. I need to talk with you. Need to tell you some very important things. Because life is short and small and I think I am leaving. I have to tell you because I owe you, even though I know you have no idea that I am in forever in your debt. But I am.
Dear love, you were the one who took away my shame. Who showed me that the shame was not mine, that it belonged to someone else. You showed me that even though I had been used and broken as a child, that you saw me as me. As a together person worthy of love, your love. Our love. And for that, my dear old love, I will love you forever. For loving me with the purest heart I have ever known, for giving me the gift of knowing that I could love and be loved, I owe you forever. I will eternally remember how it felt to walk in your love, sleep in your arms, and hear your key unlock my door. I will always remember your beauty. I will always remember how you cherished mine. So you see old love, for all of this and a lifetime of gratitude more, I owe you the truth. I owe you moons and planets and shooting stars. So, please, please accept these words into your lovely heart. Please hear me in your soul and know, please know my dear old love, that this is all true. All true.
You are wonderful. You are wonderment. You are amazing.
Dear old love, you are stunning and beautiful. Your beauty can be blinding. Your laughter makes me smile, long after the joke is over. You are kind and gentle and tender and special. After all these years, you still make me feel safe in your arms. So safe that my eyes water.
I want you to know that you can be anything, because you are everything. You are the sweetest man I have met, even when you try to be cold. My dear old love I need to tell you something. Need to tell you that life is short and happiness is not guaranteed. But you know that. But I need to tell you that happiness is possible. Yes, dear old love, possible and waiting- quietly waiting- for you.
Please dear old love, please live your life in the sunlight. Please love the life that you live. Please love, do it quickly. Because time slips away and eats away at you. Please live it before it's over, or that you wish it were.
You see old love, you are rare. Rarer than you can imagine. Which is why, you see, you feel the way you do. In between, one way or the other, any way it goes. Not everyone is like you, which is why you may be feeling alone. Dear old love I owe you more than these words, owe you more than an apology for taking so long to say all this- especially since even now- I have yet to say it to your face.
You see old love, I fear these words may not meet you kindly. Not meet you in the way which they are intended. Please old love, please know I mean you no harm. I mean you no judgment or negativity. No ill will. I mean for these words to provide you with comfort, with heart, with old love. Love old and wise and aged with years of knowing you. Love created during one a.m talks and early morning emails from years and years ago. Dear love, my dear old love, know that I see you- still see you after all of these years and wish and want and pray for your happiness, perhaps more than my own. My dear old love, I love you in ways not known to me then, in ways that I hope reach you in the night and whisper to your silenced mind's voice- whispering that you can, you should, you are able, to take your life and live it for your own. To spread your love far and wide enough to meet you back around again to loving yourself.
Dear old love, please hear my whisper and follow your beautiful heart. Follow your heart and find yourself. Find your beauty, find what you are looking for. And try to look for me along the way. I'll be there, somewhere deep in the back. With water filled eyes proud- proud to see you become who you know you are.
Dear old love I owe you more than these writings, more than a visit, more than a reminder of someone out there loving who you are. I owe you more because of moments like these and because of you loving me in ways I had wished for and continue to wish for, because old love you have shown me- it is all possible.
