Come Out Come Out- Wherever You Are.

Hello from one of the most beautiful places on earth. Although- lately- it hasn't been beautiful. It has been cold and rainy and leaving me with great unease and anxiety. Or maybe I bring those things here. Which may mean I am ruining paradise. I may have to think on that one.

Life as of late has been chaotic to say the least. I have moved Home. A place I have dreamt of for as long as I can remember. A place I have never had before. I have lived places, slept places, have addresses, but never had anywhere feel close to where I should be. Home for me has been a place of terrible fear. Nail biting. A place of secrets. Lies. Pain. Pain that stings long after the belt. Pain that still swirls in my heart and makes my back clench. Pain that feels as strong now in this moment, just as it did when I had baby curls and a bedtime.

This has always been hard to explain. I guess I cover my scars well. I can paint over myself to look just right. To look beautiful. To look normal. I have been able to erase my history- on a skin level anyway. But the more I try to settle into my new home, the more unpacking I do emotionally. To say I am uncovering a whole new level of loss is to say the least. The more I unpack, the more I learn all that I do not have. All that I never had. All that was taken from me, robbed from me, and stolen. All that I needed. All that I still need now. And all that I have  wanted for what seems like my lifetime.

I find my patience getting shorter- for others, and most likely myself too. I pride myself on being a caring human being. Being someone to be trusted, relied on. A safe person to turn to- no matter the time. No matter anything at all. As I unpack and settle- I feel unsettled. I unpack alone yet again. Without any help. Without anyone. And this constant is driving me mad constantly. My tolerance for this is at an all time low. I now say things out loud to myself, to the Universe, to anyone who will listen, really. I could really use some help here- from someone able to do it. From someone who wants to do it. For someone who wants to do this with me.

Now, I know I may not be the easiest person. But I try very hard to not let my past screw up my present and future. I know there are others that are be easier, younger, prettier, simpler, what have you. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes. But I still think I am someone worth wanting. Someone worth saying things out loud to. Someone who wants to be here- not just in space and time. But here in my heart. Here in my life. 

I'm not afraid like I used to be. I used to be locked in a room. Beaten bloody and ruined. I used to be in a room bruised and battered and left alone. I used to be in a room staring at the cracks in my door from the bashing. I used to be in a room shaking and shattered. I used to be in a room buried in a corner rocking myself to be calm. I would watch my hands shake and feeling them freezing cold terrified to leave. I would feel this freeze on my fingertips and feel nothing else. Feel no heart beat. Feel no life. Feel no emotion. Feel nothing but the freezing digit pulse. This was my life for many years.

I would be in a hot bath stung failing at catching my breath and crying. I used to be in a room on the floor wondering if this is what it felt like to die. For my body to feel my soul leave it. For my heart to be so broken that I wished they had killed me, because at least then it would be over. I'm not afraid like I used to be. But I remember.

I say things out loud now- say them with complete fragility and wavering voice. To say things out loud isn't easy for me. But I have to say it. To have been locked away for so long, it makes me need to say things out loud. I just have to do it. But every time I get no response, every time I get dead air, every time I get nothing in return, I feel what I did before. I remember. 

Still, I have to do it. I have to take this life of mine and match it to the beauty around me. Take something for myself. Make myself into something. 

I didn't think that this move would unleash all that I thought was settled. Make me remember things I spent thousands of dollars killing with drugs and therapy. I didn't know it would all come rushing back to me. I didn't think it was still following me, still a part of me, something to be settled again. Vulnerability is a mother fucker. Seeing how others see me can be just as tricky. Seeing my life through the eyes of another can be beautiful. And it is this beauty that keeps me talking, keeps me praying, keeps me saying things out loud. Keeps me telling myself to settle again. Keeps me.

 

(Photo by http://thomas-rant.blogspot.com/)

Its Just The Same Old Song

I am in a bad spot. A few bad spots really. I'm at a point in my life where it is all falling down, again. And it seems no matter how I try to treat people with kindness and no matter how I try to see beauty
in every day life- I am assumed to be this. And now, it has taken a step further.

If you know me, you know I am someone searching for real love. True and Pure love. I love love. But I am not so sure if love loves me. I've been told in the past that certain boys loved me- but they never loved me the way I needed. Not true- not pure. Not Love Love.

Which takes me to me doing a bad bad thing. I've said before that love has come out of the wrong mouths.... And now someone I spoke about before started speaking some more. He said I was 'a 10' (whatever that means), I am the 'exact type of person he would date' (whatever that means), that I am 'perfect' 'amazing' (etc. etc. etc). These are the things I dream to hear, the way I wished someone would treat me. The way I hoped someone would see me, finally. But he belongs to another, so much so.

And I feel terrible, I did a bad bad thing. He said I was 'a test' (whatever that means), and if you ask me- he failed it. I did a bad thing to a girl I don't know. I betrayed her, and I knew I was. I did a bad thing to a stranger. I'm terribly sorry.

I finally heard what I needed to hear, and I cried in the street hearing it. Because he should have been saying those things to another, not me. I am just the other girl, his fantasy girl, and he is going to marry another. I did a bad thing. And I hope that love doesn't hate me now and I hope I didn't hurt anyone but myself. I hope that love will visit me again, and speak to me through lips not promised to another. I hope love comes quick for me- Free Love Pure Love True Love. My Love, I'm waiting.

Beautiful Honesty

The meaning of Naomi, in Japanese, is Beautiful Honesty. In Hebrew, it means Beautiful and delightful. That's about right.

For me, Naomi means a true friend. A woman who honors me by calling me her friend. To be, Naomi means real and pure love, joy, and wonderment.

I met her years ago while living in DC, she was by far the best part of that place for me. And when I think of my time there, I think of her.

She is pure magic. To be around her is to be near this flame or energy. This being of natural beauty. Someone who was born with something very special.

The last time I saw her was at her wedding almost 2 years ago now- wow 2 years already. I cried the whole time during her ceremony, because I knew that not only had she found love, real love, but that the person looking at her knew just how special she was- and must have felt very special being in the light of her love, always.

As years go by, we talk less and less. That is just how it goes with distance and time. But we do stay in touch and promise to see one another before the year is out. A promise I very much hope that we do keep (I'm in if you are).

I write this as I think of her and begin to think of her talent and practice of yoga. How it is not just something to do but something to be. And I admire that endlessley. She brings this glowing light to those she meets and those she shares this practice with. And now, she opens her heart and her grasp farther by joining this part of the world we call Blog Land.

Not only can you watch her do this- and have her teach you how to do it.....

You can read her words wherever you like, and feel her glow wherever you are.

My dear, my sweet, my darling friend Naomi. I love who you are and who you are becoming, and am thankful everyday that I am invited in for the ride- and- that you have invited us all to share your beautiful world here.... Naomi's Blog

Random Act of Kindness

I know someone having a bad day, so I made these for her (I took these pictures this week on a walk). Maybe it will bring her some sunshine or smile. Maybe you will find this on a gloomy day and it will do the same for you, too. Let me know sometime.

Lovely

It was a really nice day yesterday. Both for the weather and my life. I was thankful for that, and still glowing from it today.

You Can Learn A Lot Of Things From The Flowers

Do you remember Alice in Wonderland? I love it.

There is a very special scene that lives in that movie. Where she is lost and frightened and stumbles into a bed of flowers. And even when I was young, and I knew the flowers teased her, I still wanted to live in there. And be one of them. Because they were Beautiful. Simple. Together.

There is a song they sing to (at?) Alice- you can learn a lot of things from the flowers. And today, as I walked the pup in Brooklyn Spring, that song replayed in my head.

What can I learn from the flowers?

To be Beautiful. Simple. Together.

Cactus Flower

Looks can be deceiving. When I was young(er), I thought that beauty was the most important thing. Even if you were dying on the inside, it was on the outside that mattered. My problem, of course, was that I didn't like the inside or outside of me. Further, I didn't like being surrounded by surroundings. It was all basically, a bust.

Still, I tried to reach the optimum beauty, live up to my name a bit I guess. But, the prettier I became, the more isolated I became. The more boys wouldn't talk to me, the more girls hated me, the more I saw people mouth the word bitch- without even knowing me. But they thought they did, I guess.

That is very much my life now, and something I struggle with daily- more than daily- double daily..... daily double.

I have found that for most of my life, I have been treated like someone else. Someone not so nice, someone not worth wanting, someone you could call a bitch without even knowing her. Someone you can treat like a $10 whore- and skip out on your bill. Several times over, because she is too stupid to think you would do it again, and too eager to pass you by.

It can be difficult.

It's tough to be seen as something you are not. Hard to be labeled as a bad person- a devious person- when it doesn't even occur to me to hurt anyone. Actually, I go out of my way to not hurt others- only to find myself in even more pain.

This is my new struggle. How do I let go of the old perceptions and not only let them go- but let them melt away into nothing. How do you do that? I feel as if I am living someone else's life. And she is a meany for sure man. People don't seem to like her much. But I still try to smile through all the same. I try to see what they see- but I don't. I see me. I see me- puzzled and always in awe of their perception of me.

I Rallied

Just back from a wonderful DC trip. I had lived there for about 4 years, and have been back in New York for 3 years now. It's hard to believe it has been that much time. That city is always special in my heart. Any my friends there are doubly special. 

Some friends and I went to the Jon Stewart Rally- and it was the best time. After back surgery this winter, and hell this summer, I needed a restoration to sanity indeed. I snapped some memories. 

I found a new hero in this woman.

I read some great things.

I saw people defy gravity, and federal law.

I saw an artist seeing life and make art out of it.

 

And I saw love.

Beauty is everywhere, if you ask for it to be.

Walking with my pup this afternoon I began thinking about this blog. I was happy that I began to make this platform and hoped that through it, I would find some beauty in this world.

Walking in New York City you can sometimes wonder if there is beauty. You can wonder if beauty still exists in this world. Natural Beauty. Beauty that makes you believe in something beyond yourself and ponder the meaning of fate and coincidence.I hoped that real beauty still did exist somewhere, and that the somewhere could be somewhere near me.

I looked down and saw this

Beauty can exist. If you let it come to you.