Antsy

I am beginning to climb the walls. I'm bored but busy. I'm interested and not interested all at once. I'm excited and furious in this moment. I'm getting all and nothing that I want. I'm love and hate combined.

I just want it to come together in an easy way- no drama. No problems. Just easy. And damn it- that just isn't happening. I don't want to be understanding. I don't want to understand anything but things falling in place- right now. I want to be the priority, especially when I ask for so little.

And my anniversary is coming up too- did I mention that? Next week it will be two years since it happened. Two years ago I was alright. I was in school. I was living where I wanted to be (at the time). I was back together with a man I wanted to be with. I was just starting to recover from surgery. I thought I got my life back- but really, it was all taken away. After the attack- I lost her. My old self.

And now, now I am someone else. 

Now I am someone who doesn't play around. Someone who knows her worth. Who won't put up with second best. My attacker beat my old life out of me. Which, I chose to look at in a positive light- even though I would prefer to have learned my lessons another way.

Still, they are learned. I learned to expect more, and deal with less. I learned I am strong and worth wanting. I learned that I am rare. I learned that I still have some fight in me yet. I learned that I know what I want and how I want it. Now, I just have to figure out how to say it out loud and make it known that I need to hear these things - out loud- from you.