Frozen... In Reverse.

It could be that it is winter. Or it could be something greater.

Yes, I hate cold and winter and all that comes with it. But I think there is something else to it.

My body, one year after surgery has a renewed disdain for the cold and ice. It makes me well, freeze. Freeze in ways I never did before. I can't move body parts or my mind at times. More times than not as of late. But there are other things too.

Just this past weekend I had a mind racing back to the boys I have known over the past year. All of them exactly the same. Same behaviors. Same results. Same builds even. Just the same. I had an urge to reach out to any of them. They are all the same really. Like a little devil on my shoulder urging me to put my hand on the fire. To be burnt. To be in pain. To feel something. But I didn't. 

Then, after a year, one of them got in touch with me. About 5 hours after I heard myself craving this kind of attention. Maybe he heard it too.  This person can't be considered a Two Week Romance. He would be more of a lagging connection to a part of me that surprises me exists. Does that make sense? He has a distorted version of me that I fit into instantly. It is aggravating and infuriating and weighs on my patience. But it is very much there. For some reason, he unlocks it instantly. And I don't know how or why. I didn't even know it was there until he showed it to me. The fact that I knew him as a child perplexes me more. Did he see something in the five year old me that leads him to behave this way with me now? If I thought he would honestly tell me I would ask, but that is useless.

The fact that I am totally drawn to him and his pull over me is crazy. It's worse than my nicotine cravings. Worse than the stab of cold air in the morning. Worse than I would like to admit out loud.

With this person creeping back into my mind and my day comes a big back slide. A slide back into old habits I wished never existed nevertheless were broken. It makes me feel well, frozen. Forever frozen in a place I never wanted to be to begin with. Which, makes me feel like being outside in this weather. I'm totally comfortable in the discomfort.  I'm used to the painful body and numb fingers. It's hard to think back to a time when I wasn't this way. And, seeing that this person knew me my whole life, I think I was always this way.

But maybe not. There were times in my life when I had moments like this

A time when I was free, warm, surrounded by light and feeling that I was near a place I was meant to be.

But now, and more and more lately, I am surrounded by this

What's worse, is that what surrounds me now is starting to get inside my skin and into my bones. I'm sliding backwards into frozen.