Cactus Flower

Looks can be deceiving. When I was young(er), I thought that beauty was the most important thing. Even if you were dying on the inside, it was on the outside that mattered. My problem, of course, was that I didn't like the inside or outside of me. Further, I didn't like being surrounded by surroundings. It was all basically, a bust.

Still, I tried to reach the optimum beauty, live up to my name a bit I guess. But, the prettier I became, the more isolated I became. The more boys wouldn't talk to me, the more girls hated me, the more I saw people mouth the word bitch- without even knowing me. But they thought they did, I guess.

That is very much my life now, and something I struggle with daily- more than daily- double daily..... daily double.

I have found that for most of my life, I have been treated like someone else. Someone not so nice, someone not worth wanting, someone you could call a bitch without even knowing her. Someone you can treat like a $10 whore- and skip out on your bill. Several times over, because she is too stupid to think you would do it again, and too eager to pass you by.

It can be difficult.

It's tough to be seen as something you are not. Hard to be labeled as a bad person- a devious person- when it doesn't even occur to me to hurt anyone. Actually, I go out of my way to not hurt others- only to find myself in even more pain.

This is my new struggle. How do I let go of the old perceptions and not only let them go- but let them melt away into nothing. How do you do that? I feel as if I am living someone else's life. And she is a meany for sure man. People don't seem to like her much. But I still try to smile through all the same. I try to see what they see- but I don't. I see me. I see me- puzzled and always in awe of their perception of me.