Ready Already

At work on Friday I was playing with my co-worker's wedding band and engagement ring. I felt like such a baby, even though she is about 5 years my junior. I was a bit envious when she put them back on, because they were her's, not mine.

Lately, I have been talking to friends and family about wanting to get married, have kids, The whole shebang. I'd love to do that. But I feel it is either very far away, or never coming at all. I have no flirtation, let alone someone to say I do to. But I would very much like that.

Even as I write this, it all makes me very sad. Last night, I was supposed to go out with my sister. But with the constant rain and steady humidity, my back was on fire and my body would not allow me to do anything. Anything but feel mind numbing pain. It wasn't the pain that made me sad as much as how that pain keeps me inside, by myself, and unable to meet anybdy to maybe flirt with, let alone, get hitched to.

And time goes by, and I am in the same space and mind frame I was as a kid, waiting but held back by myself and wondering if I will ever be able to break this cycle. I would love to find someone, but I can't even tie my shoes. I would love to have someone on days when I am in agony- help me walk the pup, get my meds, and rub my back till the pain passes. But I can't get out to get there. So, if you are out there, turn the volume up a bit. I'm looking, but limping slowly, I need you to pick up your pace. I'm ready already.