Radio Silence

I know, it has been a terribly long time since I have written here. Which is just terrible! I not only promised myself  that I would write here lots and lots, but that I would be more present in all. I don't know if it has been a total fail or what, but I have been swimming in this sea of sad and sorrow and longing and loss and wishing and wondering and blind hope. Which has made writing here difficult. Because, well, I didn't like that all of that was my life. And maybe it would be all too real if I wrote it down, realer if anyone out there ever read it. But it is my life, and it really has got to change.

Happiness to me has been a far reaching concept. Life for me is something I have had to get through, certainly not enjoy. And I hate that- seriously hate it. I've noticed myself wishing west for the past year, and being held back to what I have here in the east. My friends and family. But in the back of my mind I wonder if something better is out there waiting for me. And if it waits to long, maybe someone else will come and find it and claim it for their own. Maybe I will never find what I am looking for here, and maybe it will never find me.

I'm now 31 right? Right. And I don't have much to show for it in terms of what I thought I would have by now. Sure, I am a published author, been on national TV, asked to help people in their businesses. In other terms- I work a lot. But still have very few dollars to show for it. I thought at least by now I would be engaged,. married, kids, vacation, car, happy. But my pockets and my heart are empty and gathering dust.

Now, what to do what to do? I wish I could get a one way ticket and GO. But in all reality, I can barely even afford that. And what to do when I get THERE? Sit by myself in a one bedroom? Walk totally alone because I know nobody? Can't that something or someone find me?

So, yes, I have been absent from my writing here, and that needs to change. So, at the very least, I can change that in my life. In the time in between that, I can try to make my life something worth writing about. Something worth wishing about, and something worth admitting is me.