I Give.

Alright. I am right on the brink of either jumping all in or jumping back fully. I'm right there in the moment of either way. And now, it depends on the breeze, the sun, the feeling in my gut, just which way I go. I'm right on the brink, I can see it.

I've been here before. I know what they look like now. And I know how to handle them. I refuse. I refuse to let my heart get into knots again. I just won't do it. For my lifetime I have had nobody but me to protect me. But in this life area I have been weak. Weak in the knees. Weak in my mind. Weak willed. But that was before.

So alright, I give in. I'll give up again on waiting to be asked, approached, acknowledged. Sure, I give in- this one more time. I'll tell you that I think you are amazing. That you are special in ways I didn't know existed. That no matter what you say- I see being amazing comes easy to you. It's as easy as breathing for you. Which is just so troubling. Because you don't seem to let yourself know that I see it. I see you. But me- I remain unseen.

Knowing a bit of my crust doesn't seem to matter. It doesn't seem to make you say anything. Make you say anything about or to me. It's incredibly aggravating. And hurts my feelings more that I can say. I feel as if I have to go out on ledges alone here- without any indication how close I am to the fall. I get your need for pace. I get your need for peace. I do my best to give you all that you need. But I am alone in this process. Even though I do my best for you. Give you support, heart, strength. I do not do what is best for me. I live on thin lines skating. Slipping back to what I know. Being unsure, unprotected, unaware of how close I am to falling without being caught.

So fine- I give. I will tell you again- tell you in writing. Tell you where you stand right now. I don't know what the future holds, where it will take us, or if we will know one another a year from this moment. I don't know. What I do know is that I connect to you, and that is rare in life, let alone my life, as you know. So fine- it isn't easy for me. And yes- it scares the hell out of me. And no- it doesn't make much sense. But here it is. Here we are. Here I am. Now, where are you?