Friday was another day of me being sucked back into patterns I would rather leave behind. Leave behind junior high school girls hating me for no particular reason. Obnoxious gossip being ranted with no thought of the impact it could or would have on me. Another day for him to ignore me. Leaving me with the same feelings I had after my first heartbreak. Thinking of the boy, now 14 years later, I wonder how it would have been if he was truthful to me. Faithful. Honest. Mine. How it would have been different if he didn't mindfuck me. If he treated me like a lady. Treated me like love. Treated me as a girl having her first love should be treated. Love me like he said he did. Or just have left me alone. Looking back now- this set me up for the let down.
This perhaps is the beginning of my set up for failure. This, my first love's infidelity. Mind games. Lack of telephone calls. His overflow of letters from me. My excessive phone bills. His love making with someone else in the backseat. My school girl ignorance, miles away wearing his necklace. Proclaiming my love while he secretly set me up for heartbreak, lies, and loss.
The feelings echo now still to this day. Feeling lucky to have you- while being secretly betrayed somewhere in the darkness. Reaching out with a kind heart, only to be pistol whipped and ignored. All over again.
Your lack of responsibility- for me- and of me- matches his. I can see that now. Now that I am older, a bit removed from the situation. A bit removed from myself. You both are so similar in your relationship with me. Lots of front end attention, followed with no follow at all. No follow through. Nothing. A big nothing. Just me, whip lashed. Wondering what the fuck.
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