He Lives in My Shoulders

I began Yoga. I began again after years of healing from back surgery and the injuries incurred from my attack. I didn't think I would be able to do much. It has been years of being frozen. Both inside and outside of my body. The attack left me with physical injuries I will never shake. It left me with memories and flashes I never would wish on anyone. The worst of this, is that it comes to me when I try to take care of myself. Move my broken body. Melt away the frozen ice caps of flesh and try to heal from the inside out.

This morning, ironically enough in warrior II , he came creeping into my practice. He banged and pulled and beat on me, just had he had years ago. The fear and sadness flooded into me. I became overwhelmed and had a flash in my mind to run. But I didn't.

Years ago, I read that emotion lives in your body. That you hold fear, sadness, trauma, in your muscles, cells, and bones. I used to roll my eyes at these types of things. But I can feel him clearly in me- he lives in my shoulders. I can feel him dance around my cracked bones and tendons. Just as he had before. I can feel him pulling on my still- my heart, my hair, the me inside of me that speaks softly still.

This happened two years ago. Sometimes that feels very far away. Sometimes it feels like it never happened, or at least, that it didn't happen to me. Sometimes it feels like I am over it. That I have moved beyond it (as best as one can). That I have begun to take care for myself and heal and focus on getting well. And it is then in these moments that he comes back and reminds me that he still haunts me, still hurts me, still lives- apparently- in my shoulders.